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Am I worrying too much? Friend's wedding/bridesmaid Q

(29 Posts)
Newmummytobe79 Fri 07-Jan-11 15:29:46

Hi Ladies,

Just wondering if any of you have any opinions on this? I'm around 7 weeks and holding off on telling my best friends until after our 12 week scan.

I got married nearly 4 1/2 months ago and we always planned to try straight away (been together for 7 years) but really didn't expect to get pregnant so soon!

One of my best friends got engaged a month before our wedding and asked me to be bridesmaid. I didn't even think about the chances of being pregnant when I then booked flights to her big day in Ireland.

And ... if the dates are right ... I'll be 38 weeks on her wedding day. All being well at the scan - I'm happy to cancel our flights and book a ferry so I can make it - but will she want me to be a bridesmaid if I'm that far gone? Will I want to be one at 38 weeks!?!

I keep thinking about it and feel really bad as I know how much planning goes into a wedding - but hubby and me aren't getting any younger and we didn't want to put trying off for another year.

I know she'll be over the moon for us at first ... but may not be quite so happy when I tell her my due date.

Any thoughts on this or has anyone been in the same boat?

Thanks x

belgo Fri 07-Jan-11 15:33:21

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I don't think it's a good idea for you to travel to Ireland at 38 weeks of pregnancy by plane or by boat, as you will be full term and the baby could come at any point.

If she's a good friend, I'm sure she'll understand and be pleased for you.

thumbwitch Fri 07-Jan-11 15:37:16

Hmm - you have another 5 weeks before your scan, she has then got 26 weeks to find another bridesmaid if my maths is correct - I'm sure she can manage to find another bridesmaid in 6m if she decides that she doesn't want a heavily pg bridesmaid!
Mind you, I would second belgo's suggestion myself - I wouldn't want to travel that far from home at 38w pg, it's not unheard of to have a baby at that point!

Another thing to consider - if you do have the baby early - you may not be able to attend anyway.

Up to you on whether you tell her now or after the 12w scan - but you HAVE to tell her there is a possibility that you won't make the wedding at all and she should find a new bridesmaid.

Please don't try to still be a bridesmaid, even if she begs you...

Congratulations btw!

Newmummytobe79 Fri 07-Jan-11 15:38:28

Thanks Belgo!

Hmm - am I being a bit naive when it comes to babies and when they want to arrive!

I've heard so many stories of the 12 week scan revealing you're not quite as far on as you thought so it might buy me a few extra weeks!

Guess I'll know soon enough!x

happycamel Fri 07-Jan-11 15:38:30

Firtly if you're 7 weeks now then cancelling your flights after your 12 weeks scan is a good idea. I wouldn't book the ferry straight away though. Two weeks before your due date is quite close to be very far from your hospital and baby may well be with you by then. Out of my last three friends they were delivered at 37, 39 and 41 weeks. A due date is an estimate.

If you don't want to tell her before 12 weeks then you're still giving her nearly half a year to change her plans. I think being a bridesmaid may be a bit ambitious (especially as you may be in hospital holding your LO) so maybe tell her it would better to go as a guest so she isn't reliant on you and you don't have responsibilities or expectations to worry about. Then you can enjoy being there if you can make it and not too stressed if you can't. I'm sure she'll be fine about it, she can't really expect everyone to put their lives on hold for a year. Maybe make her a godmother to make up for it!

Newmummytobe79 Fri 07-Jan-11 15:43:28

Hi Thumbwitch! Thanks for your reply. She has another 5 adult bridesmaids and a flower girl so it may be a relief to her if I can't be one!

I just feel so bad ... I'm over the moon I'm pregnant but feel devastasted that I may miss my friends big day.

I also know how planning a wedding sends you slightly loopy and I don't want her to be angry with me!

Over emotional? Me? hehehe


belgo Fri 07-Jan-11 15:45:13

Will the ferry operators let you travel at 38 weeks?

Newmummytobe79 Fri 07-Jan-11 15:46:27

Thanks Happycamel - hopefully she'll forgive me as she's broody as h*ll and I'm sure she'll be trying the minute she's married! If not before ... x

speffles Fri 07-Jan-11 15:48:07

Tee hee. I have a similar problem. I'm due about a week after my MiL's wedding so there have been loads of jokes about them all rushing off to the hospital mid-ceremony. They've been really good about accepting that I might struggle to be there (I would love to be there but who knows what will happen).

I don't have to worry about being a bridesmaid on top of that though. Not sure I'd want to try that even with a few weeks either way. Any decent friend would be understanding about the 12 week deadline. I'd tell her as soon as you can so that she can sort out her plans.

Newmummytobe79 Fri 07-Jan-11 15:48:40

Hmmm - didn't think about the ferry operators travel policies. I'll have to check that one!

happycamel Fri 07-Jan-11 15:55:01

lol @ newmummy, think you've answered your own question about whether she'll be upset if she's broody already.

Ferry operators don't ask about pregnancy so you'd be fine but I still wouldn't plan on being there unless your pg is totally trouble free and baby isn't engaged by then. If you do go then for heaven's sake know where the nearest hospital is and take your notes

belgo Fri 07-Jan-11 16:02:26

Will your medical insurance cover you travelling at 38 weeks? There is no NHS in Ireland.

Newmummytobe79 Fri 07-Jan-11 16:08:20

Happycamel - if the LO (i'm learning!) is anything like me or hubby it's going to come out with horns and a tail!

I'll try and stop worrying until the 12 week scan and hopefully a blury picture of a butter bean waving will melt her heart!


belgo Fri 07-Jan-11 16:10:50

Hope the scan goes wellsmile

missmehalia Fri 07-Jan-11 16:17:53

Ah, don't worry. ATM your own big day feels a long way off. However, as it looms closer that will be your focus, and you'll probably feel far less like travelling anywhere!

In your shoes I'd wait til after the scan, tell everyone (almost) at the same time but make her the first of your friends to know because of the current arrangements.

How could she possibly mind? Life's what happens when you make other plans.

And congratulations!! smile

cat64 Fri 07-Jan-11 16:23:27

Message withdrawn

DanceInTheDark Fri 07-Jan-11 16:30:17

DOn't cancel anything until after the scan but be prepared for her to be initially happy then upset

BTW DS3 was born at 38+0 ...

OutofMilk Fri 07-Jan-11 16:34:43

Hi Newmummy,

I had exactly the same problem - asked by my best friend to be her maid of honour, then fell pregnant literally days after!! I was also 38 weeks pregnant on the date of her wedding.

I told her the day I found out I was preggers, but didn't make the decision about whether I could make it to the wedding until about a month before, when I realised it would be completely daft to even attempt it. (Would have involved a 7 hour car journey and I was so uncomfortable it would have just been horrific... And, same as you, I'd have been miles away from my hospital and GP etc).

One of the biggest probs was trying to get a dress to fit an ever expanding hippo that would have made me look anything like the other bridesmaids. (most bridalwear retailers don't do dresses in 'expanding hippo' sizes). For this reason alone I'd suggest bailing out on being a bridesmaid.

As for telling her, I'd fess up as soon as poss. I'm sure she'd appreciate it and would be sensitive to the fact that it's still early days with your pregnancy. You'll definitely feel better once you've talked it though. Best of luck! xx

sloathy Fri 07-Jan-11 17:57:30



I had kind of the same issue but the other way around. One of my best friends has booked her wedding for 5 days before my due date (she already knew I was pregnant and when I was due). It would only involve a 2 -3 hour journey but I just don't want to be away from home overnight at that point not to mention the stress of finding somenthing to wear or the possibilty that I may already have very recently had the baby if he comes early. I am trying to keep an open mind but have told her that realistically I probably won't be there at all. I felt very upset intially that she had booked her wedding on a date when she knew (or ought to have known) that I would not be able to go but I was probably being overly sensitive. It can be hard to satisfy everyone and I know she had family pressures. I was just hurt that it was me that had to give I guess!

Highlandgirl Fri 07-Jan-11 18:07:19

Hello...this happened to me...! smile

I told my BF whom I was bridesmaid for that i would be 30 weeks at her wedding...! I said I was very happy to still be a bridesmaid however not knowing what 'tummy shape' I would be it might make finding a dress tricky.

In the end I stepped aside and was just a guest as the dress issues was getting a bit stressful for her.

Would you friend be happy for you to pick your own dress, some lovely things on the market.

By the way my BF cried when I told her I was having a baby, i'm sure you'll friend will be very happy for you. And she's get over it once wedding plans get into full swing.

grin Congrats by the ways xxxx

lucy101 Fri 07-Jan-11 18:09:58

I actually think you would be mad to think you could/should travel that far at that point. Sadly I am someone who had things go wrong and if they do for you (very unlikely I know) it could be very worrying to be stuck for a much longer period than expected (if you or your baby was ill and in hospital) away from your home and family. You would also need to be very very careful with your insurance - assuming you could get any at all you would need to check it would cover you and the baby once it was born. I booked an AA policy and then found out about this and when I rang them found out only I would be covered. I had to cancel the AA one and ended up with Insureandgo by the way who said they would cover the baby.

Kristingle Fri 07-Jan-11 18:19:45

I had my babies at 42 weeks and was still swimming and doing yoga right up to the end.and looking after a toddler in subsequent pregnancies. So I would have been fine to go to a wedding as a guest

Lots of women are still at work full time at 38 weeks

They do have doctors in Ireland you know and women have babies there all the time. Just check your insurance will cover you

Obviously if you have the baby early or have health problems in your pg then you will have to call off but Of course your friend will understand.what's she going to say

How DARE you have pre eclampsia, don't you realise it's MY WEDDING!!!!!

belgo Fri 07-Jan-11 19:03:28

Kristingle this isn't just a wedding down the road. It's in a different country, when the OP will be full term in her pregnancy.

She needs to know all the facts before making her decision.

Kristingle Fri 07-Jan-11 20:47:23

i agree completely, I'm not aware that anything in my post wasn't factual hmm

its impossible to know how the op or her baby will be in 30 weeks time. I'm just suggesting she might want to keep an open mind.

belgo Sat 08-Jan-11 07:52:53

Because Kristingle I don't find your comparisons particularly relevant - in fact I find them just a bit patronising- of course most women work until 38 weeks and go to a wedding, but that's not the question of the OP.

The question is, should/ she travel abroad at 38 weeks into her pregnancy?

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