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Arguing with mother over swine flu jab - help

(13 Posts)
RoxyLady Thu 06-Jan-11 13:51:25

I am 36 weeks and refuse to get a swine flu jab. Mainly because I don't want to risk my baby, I am 4 weeks away from giving birth and I won't be protected for another three weeks anyway so pointless.
My mum over the last few weeks has been pleading with me to get one. I've asked her nicely to respect my decision and to stop sending me emails, calls and constant texts about it.
Today she sent me another email about getting it done. Saying she has spoken to a doc about it. I haven't responded yet and feel Like flipping my lid. I nearly did last time but I didn't. Even my brother told her to stop and respect my decision. What should I do? I know she cares but she has gone too far. I'm so angry

tlise Thu 06-Jan-11 13:59:58

Tell her. And tell her that if she carries on like this, then you will have no option to keep away from her and ignore her emails. That you understand that she is worried about you, and that is what is making her so forceful but its your decision, and like you say, by the time you are immune, it will be end of pregnancy anyway. She is probably so worried that something is going to happen, due to all the media coverage the last few weeks about low stocks and people dying..It does funny things to parents/inlaws when you become pregnant. Perhaps it wouldn't be such a bad thing to lose your patience with her, but only if no other way works. At least she cares. Remember that. I would give anything to have a normal mother that cared about me. As it is, I won't ever speak to mine again, would be a shame for it to happen if there is another way xx

doodledee Thu 06-Jan-11 14:04:55

Awfully sad story in todays news about the woman who has died 2 weeks post full term delivery from complications from 'flu so i don't think being near term makes us any less at risk. Of course it is your decision don't be too hard on your mum shes obviously frantic with worry about you x

sh77 Thu 06-Jan-11 14:05:30

Yes, I agree with tlise. She is just v concerned due to media hype, as annoying as it is. My mother gets wound up about me climbing 4 flights of stairs to my flat. Tell her that the medics have no clue about the impact on baby over time. Reassure her that you will everything to avoid exposing yourself to it. I refuse to have it. Interestingly, my MW and consultant have not mentioned it and I am having a high risk preg. You are nearly there! Good luck with everything.

wigglesrock Thu 06-Jan-11 14:07:06

RoxyLady Strangely enough I had the complete opposite problem, I had decided to get jab about 8 weeks ago (am currently 35 weeks), I happened to mention it to my mum in passing and she went nuts, pleaded with me not to get it etc. I postponed the decision for a while, ended up getting it a few weeks ago but she was really over stepping boundaries with regards to texting etc!! Mothers who'd have 'em!! grin

sh77 Thu 06-Jan-11 14:09:09

grin wiggle

Tangle Thu 06-Jan-11 14:09:22

What a pain - take a deep breath and try and calm down.

I think I'd be tempted to reply to her saying that as she is aware, you have made an informed decision not to have the SF jab. As your mother you love her and want to be able to share thoughts and ideas and involve her in your decision making process - but for that to work she needs to recognise that once a decision is made it is no longer up for discussion. You appreciate that she is concerned, but by continuing to question your judgment once she knows you have reached a decision she is failing to support you - and that you're hurt as this is a time when you had hoped you could rely on her to help keep you calm and positive as you prepare to become a mother yourself. You haven't read her message and you don't intend to as it relates to a decision you have already made and one on which you will not change your mind - similarly you will not be reading any further messages relating to the SF jab and nor will you discuss it on the phone or in person.

You might also want to say that if she can't leave it alone then, in order to help stop you getting stressed, you'll not be communicating with her again until after the baby is born.

I don't know if any of that is appropriate for the relationship you have with your mother, but I hope it helps. I had to ignore my MIL for the last couple of weeks with DD1 (who went 10 days over) as every day without fail she'd ring up to "just see if the baby's here yet". DH had to talk to her - I'd have wound up saying "oh yes, she was born last week. 15lb. 2 minute labour. We didn't think you were interested so didn't bother to call..."

LexieH Thu 06-Jan-11 14:09:42

hiya, that is a really tricky one, i had the vaccine before `christmas, my dad is in the medical profession and he advised me to get it done but i am at the start of my pregnancy and was really scard of getting sick and the baby getting sick if i got flu.

I know your issue isn;t if you should have the jab it's your mum isn't it... poor you i feel so sorry for you as this is just the kind of thing my mum would do, ie go on and on and on at me about something until i lost it.

I know you've said you've asked her nicely which i am sure you have but i always think that staying calm and being firm is the best way to handle things like this (not that i manage it too well myself and usually end up shouting) but i don't think you can do too much else other than perhaps email her back and say that you fee really let down and disappointed that she is unable to respect your decision. Ask her to understand that it is your body and baby and her putting undue pressure on your dosen't help at all. Ask her to care about you and how you feel because you REALLY feel strongly that to have the jab would be a mistake. Ask her to imagine how terrible she would feel if something went wrong and you'd only had the jab because she wanted you to.

How is it fair of her to put you in this position??

I hope this helps, i do feel really sorry for you and i hope she manages to understand how you feel xxx

LBsmum Thu 06-Jan-11 14:10:25

She probably just concerned about the risk to you if you catch swine flu, something that can be vaccinated against at no risk to unborn children

Mahraih Thu 06-Jan-11 14:22:16

Well, I had the jab but understand why someone wouldn't. Lucky my mum remained oblivious!

It sounds like she's panicking because of the media, and I can see why as it's compelling stuff. However, she is not going to change your mind so why hurt your relationship and ruin the rest of the pregnancy? Ask her to have some respect for your decision, because it IS about respect.

katzen Thu 06-Jan-11 14:36:05

I just wanted to echo the rest of the comments here that I completely understand your reasons for not getting the jab at your late stage. My midwife had also advised me the same thing.

I am so annoyed at the media frenzy on this flu issue, and as everyone else has said, that will be fuelling your mum's anxiety and over-interference.

Like others have said, if you feel it wouldnt stress you further to nip it in the bud - speak to her or have your husband have a word.

RoxyLady Thu 06-Jan-11 14:44:48

I actually responded as she sent me a message saying she though it was sad I had ignored her. Here is what I said:

Im upset you wont respect my decision when Ive told you many times to stop going on about it. I heard you the first time. You dont need to keep saying the same thing over and over. I am not a child anymore. I understand you are just being caring and worried and I appreciate that but Im really pissed off you wont leave the subject alone when I have asked you to stop.

She hasnt responded to me. She is supposed to be visiting me this weekend as it will be the last time I see her before baby arrives and Im even more angry she has pushed the situation where we are now not even talking so close to when baby is here.
On top of that, this morning I had to go and have a scan to see if my baby was breech so Im overly stressed anyway, I feel like she is piling more stress on me.

tlise Thu 06-Jan-11 23:09:08

She is maybe giving you time to cool down? Hopefully anyway.

x

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