am I being unreasonable??(24 Posts)
So my DP and I had big row last night. We dont have many and it made me feel crappy.
I am expecting twins in April. First babies. My in laws live in Ireland. First grandchildren, and probably only grandchildren.
They will be DESPERATE to see them when they are born. I initially wanted a month of no visitors, and then they could come but my DP thinks this is unfair on his folks...(I love his parents, and know that his mum will be nothing but supportive).
We had a huge argument last night and I refused to chat to him today (I can be quite stubborn). however came home from work and sat down to explain to him that I want the first month that he has off with us to be a bonding experience. With me him and the two babies. And I Dont want any visitors.
We came to a compromise. I have said that they can come over a weekend (but under NO circumstances will they stay with us). After the babies are a couple of weeks old. But they are only allowed to stay for a couple of hours each day on the weekend. Is this reasonable. ?? or have i been a chicken and caved in.
The thing Is I want his mum over when he goes back to work to help me...I guess I cant have it all why do I feel so passionate about this? my DP doesnt ask for anything really. and has totally said that If I am not feeling up for it when the times come he will tell them, is this pregnancy hormones making me demented ??
I think two weeks or a month is too long to keep gp's away, personally.
A week to yourselves is completely reasonable, but more than that they may feel pushed out and upset.
Asking them to stay somewhere else is a good idea, but asking them to come all the way over to then limit visiting times to a couple of hours doesn't seem fair.
Hope that doesn't sound too harsh, and I'm sure people will come on and say yanbu.
YANBU to not them to want to stay, but I think you are being unreasonable to expect them to stay away for a month
and to limit themselves to 2 hours a day
will they be helpful? i/e do some cooking, cleaning, washing , shopping or just want to sit and hold the babies?
you reallly want no visitors for a month?
no compnay, no extra hands?
What are you worried about, that having close family around after the birth will affect?? As long as you don't have any bad complications during labour, wouldn't it be nice to have support from close friends and family after your babies are born?
Obviously, this is personal choice..but I don't see any reason why you can't enjoy and share your joy with the family? I think you may just be worrying and you might feel totally different once they are born. With two, I'm sure you'll need all the help you can get . How exciting though, congratualtions!
I think it's wise to acknowledge how you feel but
a) i think you are mad - twins?! wont it be lovely having the help? Assuming they will help and not expect you to wait on them.
b) i do think it's a little unfair - they are the gp!
c) you may change your mind. I LOVED having visitors in the early days and showing off dd. Takes your mind off tehe relentless of newborn care (which really, can get quite groundhog day)
so d) yes, I think you are being a little U.
Ask dh for a cuddle and say you're not sure why you feel like this, and you know it's a bit unreasonable but can he try and help you understand why? and what he can do to help (eg make sure you always get 10 mins in the morning to 'get ready#' by yourself?). Good luck.
I thought I'd feel this way and asked ILs for space for the first few weeks, then once I had LO I desperately wanted people to come and felt hurt (irrationally and I KNEW it was irrationally because they were just doing what I'd asked) that they weren't banging the door down to see the wee un
YANBU. but I would urge you to reserve judgement a little, difficult I know when people are over seas, but re the weekend, don't set their visiting hours now, just say it'll have to be a see how it goes thing. you might love the family pouring over their new kin, you don't know yet. I thought I knew but it can be different when you have it x
I am laughing this has confirmed my thoughts that I might be demented..I dont know what I am worried about. I did say to him that what will probably happen is after a week I will be like...get your mum over I need help. ! thanks for the answers...and no offence taken.
Oh and his dad would expect us to wait on him hand and foot. I dont think he knows how to boil a kettle ! or for that matter what the inside of a kitchen looks like. However I know his mum will be amazing.... I am just worried probably that I am not going to be coping... or something like that .....
way unreasonable! What on earth are you expecting? Having children is not some mystical experience, it is just part of life, although one of the best parts! Let other people in for goodness sake. Anyway, looking after babies can be really boring and repetitive, you will be begging strangers in the street to take them off your hands after a month of being cooped up with them!
YABU GPs dont count as 'visitors' they are family!
what about your parents?
Ohhh, no-one will expect you to cope with a new baby. And especially not two of them.
But that's why I suggested preparing NOW that you need dh to notice if you need ten mins to have a shower, or just collect your thoughts. And tell dh he will have to deal with his dad too!
I know it's totally unreasonable but I feel the same! It's bizarre.
its okay to feel it
I felt a bit like public property and expected that to feel worse after the birth, but actually dynamics changed completely after the birth and I felt completely different to how I thought I would.
so feel it, but don't act too much on it, or if you do, realise that the rules you set now may not best suit you then x
I never thought I'd be a 'it's my baby' type and could never understand women who were - restricting in law visits like OP mentions. Now I'm pregnant I can totally see how it happens and just hope I can get over it by the time the baby arrives as know it's totally unreasonable and irrational. OP - are you frightened you will get annoyed if they give advice and try to take over? I am. It's ridiculous.
I actually think you've come to a good compromise! My mum arrived a week after my twins were born. I was in hospital for six days so we only had one day at home as a 'family' before we had her here. Its fairly common that with twins you will be in hospital for a bit longer than normal.
Yes the help was wonderful, but I wished she had come after my husband's paternity leave was over (although he only had two weeks).
Also consider whether you will be breastfeeding. Feeding takes up so much time in the first weeks, if you are b/f it will all be down to you. There isn't going to be a lot for the ILs to do other than to wait on you. Even if you are bottle feeding, it only takes two people! I think making the most of your husband's paternity leave then getting your MIL over will be the most helpful for you. Often problems that can afflict smaller babies (colic, reflux etc) start a three or four weeks after birth so that will be when you need more help - and with your husband back and work and trying to get a good night's sleep, you'll probably be on nights by yourself by then so all the support and company you can get during the day will be most valuable.
Also, the babies will sleep so much in the first few weeks. Your ILs will probably be able to bond a lot better with them once they are a few weeks older and a bit more interactive.
BUT I think, like you have realised, you'll have to let them come beforehand for a visit, four weeks is such a long time to wait to see their first grandchildren. And as for limiting visiting time, not sure that will be possible either .
I don't understand all this banning of grandparents/family until babies are x weeks/months old.
Unless the people in question are toxic there is nothing nicer than family members welcoming a new baby into the clan (so to speak). I may be very lucky as I have parents and future ILs who are very helpful and non interfering, so maybe that's why I want them around me.
To make new grandparents wait a month to see the babies is rather unfair actually and just a teeny bit selfish. Especially if you're expecting MIL to come and help when DH goes back to work.
This is exactly how I feel too. My PIL are overseas too - I dread them descending and taking over, when I want the three of us to be able to bond as a family first.
When my SIL had her baby last year, they came to stay for 4 weeks (they were there when she got home from hospital) and it sounds like that was more stressful than it was helpful.
So I've something similar in mind. We've said we'll see how it goes, rather than that we want to leave it a month. But actually the way I feel at the moment is that I'd definitely like to leave it a month, and then restrict it to 2 hour visits. Although I appreciate that this does seem quite mean - especially when they are travelling a long way to see us. Problem is, just at the moment I can't imagine ever actually wanting them around, rather than inviting them out of a sense of duty - I'm dreading the interference and the advice and the judgements.
But - who knows how I'll feel once the baby is actually here. I'm probably a bit mad and hormonal at the moment.
i know where you are coming from...
Im not even pregnant yet (probably on 2WW) anyway, half of me just wants it to be me and OH when i eventually get pg and give birth.
OH's parents live a 5 min drive / 30min walk away, and im sure they will be popping round. (Im fine with that)
My mum and dad are divorced (but get on well and mum does a lot for my dad, as my dad has had a stroke and while physically ok mentally cant function normally and needs lots of looking after, (he has carers in twice a day at home)
Anyway i know my mum and dad will really want to come and stay, but i dread my dad staying and needing to look after him and a newborn baby.
Ill probably let them have a weekend up here (my mum will be really helpful im sure) just cause i want them to be happy.
Mine will be the first grandchild for all the grandparents and actually the 1st great-grandchild on all sides too!
I can completely relate to how you feel, but I do think a month is too long.
I always refer to these feeling as 'the tigeress' instinct. I am expecting dc4 and it has happened with each new baby. I'm fine with my mum but resent all others 'invading the nest'. I have learnt to over ride it to some degree and try to see the rational reasons they want to visit and not the hormonally charged one (that can make even the most normal of us totally bonkers).
I try to use their visits to my 'advantage' by for example asking them to pick up anything we need on their way (which they always love to do), when they are cooing take a long bubbly bath, grab some sleep, play with older dc's etc.
I do think that the longer you delay the visits the more of an issue is created in your head. My dmil is wonderful and yet esp with dc1 I dreaded her coming and hated her holding him. I only hope any of my future dil's are much nicer to me!!!!!!!
There is loads of time to bond and in my experience not many people fight for cuddles in the dead of the night so I actually enjoy this special time the best.
All the best for April and try not to make too many plans as in practice often things turn out totally different.
I think you are being unreasonable not allowing them to come for a month, I understand having visitors is stressful, but when the time comes you will probably want to show them off and get some sleep/meals/washing help!!! Depending on your relationship with them, you can go and have a sleep when their there and as long as you won't be expected to get up and cook/make tea for them, I think you'll end up regretting not wanting them around. Having a new baby is such a special time, you want your closest family to come and see you and meet your new arrivals!!!
I think your are all probably right in a way... I think I feel a bit like this because I dont want anyone to take over. I also think its very mportant we spend time a a family before my DP goes back to work. Then like you said his Mum will be over for a couple of weeks anyway... I also dont want the hassle of looking after FIL, like I said he wont even know how to put the kettle on !
I did apologise to my DPl last night for being a bit demented !. And have decided that we will say that they can come after the first couple of weeks. He has agreed with this,Although we are going to play it by ear as I am sure I will feel different when they arrive. But then again I might not so we will have to wait and see.....
Justonemore - that's a really interesting perspective and I've never heard anyone be as honest as that. It's much appreciated as I feel really mean and nasty about it all. I reckon I'm really going to have to grit my teeth - it's so bizarre and I just don't want to be like that! Even now every piece of advice I get from MIL I feel myself getting angry and it's just so stupid. Argh!
I can see why you'd think this.. On the one hand, I'm not that keen on the idea of visitors because it sounds like hard work -basically I might have to wash hair, get dressed properly, and I don't fancy this when I'm struggling to get to grips with new baby and feeling uncomfortable.
However! I am also sure that I will want to show of my baby as much as possible. So far DP and I have said that we'll have to play it by ear when it happens, and this is what we're also telling anyone enquiring about visitors.
I know you don't have that option with GP's because I imagine they'll have to book flights in advance but I think it's fair that they want to come over straight away - perhaps concentrate on getting DH to understand how you might be feeling so he can help make the visits enjoyable for you rather than something to avoid? (making sure you don't need to do anything for them, you're given time on your own with the babies if that's what you want etc etc.) Sounds as though his mum's lovely and she's obviously had kids herself so hopefully she'll have some idea how you're feeling?
I think wanting to be alone with newborns is a very basic instinct... think of cats who hide in dark corners to give birth and then hiss at anyone who wants to admire the kittens.
But really, I think it's impossible to know how you will feel when you've given birth. Hormones do strange things to us. So as much as you probably are BU, most of us are whilst pregnant, in one way or another...
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