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6 wks left still no boundaries on vistors

(22 Posts)
ledkrsbellyislikesantas Sun 19-Dec-10 20:51:00

Hi all.I am 33 wks due to have a section 6 wks tomorrow.PIL live about 3 hr drive away and mil is a teaching assistant so works all week.I have asked dh for months now to have a conversation with them re post baby visits in order to plan other stuff such as my ds who is away with the army and is hoping to get a bit of special leave to see us and also to ensure we are not over whelmed with a house full of people at once.I have one spare room which will probably be empty although ds3 and his gf are having some probs so he maybe back,but i am perfectly prepared to have pil to stay the weekend folowing the birth but am now hearing from friends who spoke to her at my baby shower that she may take sick time and come straight down and that sil may come too.
Basically i would like to say when it is best for us within reason and making them some what of a priority but feel that it should be up to dh to have this conversation with them so that i can relax and stop worrying about it.They are not very helpfull btw and see a visit here as a holiday and have also not bought a singlething for the baby or offerred help in any way.
I am sick of asking him to speak to them so should i just leave it just speak up at the time,i really couldnt bear them to be here when i come home and stay untill the end of the weeekend.

Blu Sun 19-Dec-10 20:54:42

Tell them the CS has been postponed by a week. Don't tell them when you go in.

ledkrsbellyislikesantas Sun 19-Dec-10 20:55:21

dd 8 is from my previous marriage so i am hoping to have a t least a few days of just the 4 of us bonding and getting to know the new baby and pil will be inclined to be excited and leave her out and dh has also promised her some special one to one time to chose a baby outfit and go for a posh dinner,visiting for them is 9-9 which is great but i think this would decrease to fit in with pil who wont be able to find the hospital etc.oh you know,im banging on but just would like a bit of say in things and not just be descended upon.

ledkrsbellyislikesantas Sun 19-Dec-10 20:55:58

god i wish i couild blu but think part of the problem is dh is a mummys boy

Blu Sun 19-Dec-10 20:57:31

or tell them they are now saying the date could move fprward or back by anything up to 4 days either way, because of lots of factors re your pg, availablity of beds etc, so best not to make definite plans, leave til last inute and see what happens.
Also be direct with them "I'd like to come home just me, the baby and DH f a couple of days before we have copany, because I've no idea how I will be feeling, and may just want to nest on my own"

Blu Sun 19-Dec-10 20:59:58

Well tell your DH that when he has been walking round with a baby inside him for 9 months, and then has a major operation which will cut through 6 layers of his abdominal muscles, while his chest balloons up and squirts milk, feeling sore, THEN he can decide who is up to receiving visitors or not! That you are now his priority, not his Mum!

ledkrsbellyislikesantas Sun 19-Dec-10 21:00:12

Do you think that is ok tho?Is that a reasonable request?

1Catherine1 Sun 19-Dec-10 21:00:52

Sweetie I wouldn't be waiting till the time to have the conversation. Prior notice stops them saying "Well you could have said earlier we have ... sorted holidays/arranged ... and...."

Tell your DH that he needs to have a conversation with them now. Tell him that if he doesn't do it you will which his parents might find more offensive.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to ask that nobody visits for the first week especially since you will be recovering post op. If you want your in laws to understand though you have to talk to them and tell them this. Be assertive now, you may be too tired to do it later and end up resenting it.

CupcakesHay Sun 19-Dec-10 21:10:30

I'm in similar situ with MIL - my hubby works for FCO so we live abroad, and DH only has a month. MIL wanted to come when contractions start! I'm staying with my parents - who have tiny bungalow and only 1 spare room which i'm in. Spoke to MIL and said that I was happy for her to come down, but stay in B&B - which she didn't like and basically told me in polite terms she'd rather not see baby then be shunted to B&B!

Spoke to Dh - who wimped out (mummy's boy too) then I got so upset I cried and my parents got upset because I was stressing. Anyhow - spoke to DH again - nothing - so finally spoke to MIL myself again. She basically came out with more crap about her bonding with baby, etc, and my parents spending more time with the baby. but i said NO - sorry, it's about baby first, then Me, then DH - then everyone else.

If your DH isn't going to take it in hand - just do it yourself - warn DH you are going to and say it's stressing you out etc. which, if you're feeling anything like I was - will be the truth. My DH finally agreed not to make any plans until after birth (EDD 30th Jan) - and i've agreed. I feel sorry for his MIl as I know it's not ideal circs - but eaqually I'm stressed and worried about whole birth thing without this hanging over my head. She's a lovely woman - just so in your face, adn whereas with own family, you can tell them to bugger off - can't with MILs can you?

Anyhow - hope it all goes well - but def sort out sooner ratherthan later - even if you have to use emotional blackmail blush

ledkrsbellyislikesantas Sun 19-Dec-10 21:14:47

cheers, i did think that tbh,i was kind of safe in the knowedge that i am having it on a monday so no probs until weekend but this has shed some new light on things cos if she goes sick then potentially could be here for a whole week treading on mine and dd's toes,i think we need to be aware of that possibility now to nip it in the bud.
I am furious with dh for tackling this sooner tbh,he is spineless when it comes to his family.They attended our "secret" wedding making me feel terrible cos my own kids were not even there,and last yr gate crashed our romantic week away in a log cabin that had hot tub etc. of course they wouldnt know about any of this had it not been for dh communicating via the un severed umbilical cord.Very intrusive.

dietcokesholidaysarecoming Sun 19-Dec-10 21:21:24

Good luck. Only advice is sort it before it ruins your relationship. I would be on phone now laying down the boundaries.

ledkrsbellyislikesantas Sun 19-Dec-10 21:21:52

cupcakes i do feel like that yes,it dominates my bloody thoughts, my friends are sick of hearing about it.Dh definatley "prickles" when i mention it wtf is wrong with these blokes?They are meant to be coming this week to bring presents and have still not given a day,it is the week before xmas,i have had me or dd ill for last 3 wks have 2 hospital appointments to get to thick snow,spd and anaemia and dh working until xmas eve late and its our anniversary.I asked him on friday to please call them back and say we need to know when they are coming due to all this but he still hast done it.I am going to speak to them when they come after first giving him a final oppotunity and you are right it wont soiund as good as if he had said it.Are you hoping your dh grows aback bone on becoming a father?

1Catherine1 Sun 19-Dec-10 21:28:57

Ledkrs your DH is truly spineless. I think he needs to put his foot down for the sake of his own manhood. I bet he secretly hopes you'll do it so he can remain good little mummy's boy while you become the nasty DIL. A good old fashioned bit of manipulation and emotional blackmail is needed here to make sure he knows where his loyalties lie. You have carried his unborn child for 8 months, asking him to make one call so you get a week to recover from growing a person is the least you can ask of him.

ledkrsbellyislikesantas Sun 19-Dec-10 21:35:12

grrrr yes you are right.I am actually more than happy to be the dil form hell as this will put an end to the "every weekend" vists they intend to make-thats another thread!!!!
They have not once offered to help out practically or finacially so have not exactly earned special vip treatment have they? And how dare they say they are bringing sil with out asking if its ok.
I am actually wishing id thought if this before i married him,the writing was on the wall.

discobeaver Mon 20-Dec-10 09:13:07

God, crashing a romantic, hot tub weekend? That's more than intrusive that's plain weird.

Sorry you are feeling stressed about his, there's no way you should even be having to think about visitors.

No practical or financila help? Tell them to do one - it doesn't matter if they get upset, they are upsetting you, and your husband is allowing them to - or even helping them to .

Get angry, get what YOU want.

CupcakesHay Mon 20-Dec-10 12:47:12

OMG - gate crashing secret wedding - that's awful!

Yes - praying that becoming a father changes DH - but not holding out too much hope. I'm just getting harder as time marches on!

ledkrsbellyislikesantas Mon 20-Dec-10 12:51:00

well,last night i had it out with him,he was as usual prickly and reluctant to discuss it but i said this i what is happenign and thats that.I dont care how you go about it but this is about me the baby dd and you in that order.I told him it is not normal practice to be staying overnight at peoples houses when they have just had a baby regardless of who they are and that as they have chosen to pretty much ignore the pregnancy up unitl now that they will not be getting the vip treatment just cos the baby will be here.I slo pointed out that i thought it would be healthy to begin to set boundaries with regards to visits etc as they sem to disregard the feelings of their childrens partners and that we would in future be "inviting" them to vist and not be told they are coming.Job done.
The way i see it now i have made myself clear and if i dont get what i want i will jsut tell it as it is and if i offend anyone i dont care as it could have been avoided.

ledkrsbellyislikesantas Mon 20-Dec-10 12:55:40

The wedding and the holiday were partly his fault,felt guilty re wedding so decided to at least inform them it was happening and they insisted on coming even tho that was never an option,he obviously didnt tell them otherwise.The holiday he was on the phone the second we got there so that was his fault too.They lived an hrs drive away from the resort and on the 3rd i heard him on the phone arranging for them to come for the 3rd time and i just lost the plot.I opened abottle of wine(it was 11am) and told him if they intruded on my holiday i would be in holiday mode and could not be responsible for my actions.I said this as i slipped into the tub naked and grinning. He cancelled them soon after.

CupcakesHay Mon 20-Dec-10 13:19:51

Well done for speaking to him. At least you've told him - and he can't pretend he doesn't know. Let's just hope that he DOES speak to them and they actually start thinking of you for a change!

ledkrsbellyislikesantas Mon 20-Dec-10 13:56:39

as i said,this is it now,he knows the score.I will be home on the wednesday 2.2 and have said they can come on the saturday to stay till sunday which i think is more than adequate.i told him to deter any earlier visits by saying that me and baby not up to visitors or what ever he wants to say.The prob is now that if she decides to take asicky and come down a, we are stuck with them and b, it intrudes on dh and dd's special time together and they can visit me all day and pop out for lunch etc. whereas pil can only come in visiting hours which will lead to dh and dd finding it hard to get over to the hospital as will be taking them into account.I wont hold my breath tbh,they are really pushy and i have a feeling will just do what they like but i will certainly then put them straight maybe in a slightly deranged post natal woman manner .

1Catherine1 Mon 20-Dec-10 14:39:29

Well done for telling him straight. Honestly though, are you really up to waiting 6 weeks to see if he has done it or not? Do you really think you will be up to putting your foot down after having a CS. I'd give it 2 to 3 weeks max and then check that he's made that call, if he hasn't, do it yourself. Being most diplomatic but firm with your rules.

ledkrsbellyislikesantas Mon 20-Dec-10 18:37:10

He wont do it ican tell,he says that he will tackle it at the time and i aggree thats not the best way.I do think i can be very forcefull even after ac section as it means so much to me,however i am going to try and speak to mil myself as i have given him the chance.I am going to say that as ds has had to move back home and i will be recovering i wanted to get an idea of when they wanted to visit so that i can ensure there are not too many people here.What a bloody pantomime eh? Could really do without it couldnt you.

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