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First pregnancy after MC and I don't want to tell DH

(8 Posts)
Wolowizard Sun 19-Dec-10 13:42:33

I've namechanged because DH knows my talk name. I've had a BFP and I don't know how to tell DH.

A bit of backstory. When we found out I was pregnant the last time, he told all the world, even after I thought things weren't quite right. He was confident that things would be ok, whereas I knew something wasn't right, so didn't get my hopes up.
The thing that hurt and upset me the most is that, whilst I had told my closest friends, my parents and my brother, DH had told everyone and even given his best friend leave to tell everyone at his work.

Even after we were going in for tests DH and his family were talking like everything would be just fine. In fact, it was DN's birthday party, and everyone there knew, including people I've never met before and my 3yo DN kept asking about the baby. Bear in mind I was going in for regular blood tests and scans at this point, so a room full of strangers talking to me about the baby I was going to have was the last thing I needed.

Also DH, while he was quick off the draw to tell everyone I was pregnant, he wasn't so quick to tell them it wasn't going well, so just before I went in for an ERPC, one of his work colleagues congratulated me.

Oh, and just before we went for another scan, even though I told DH that it would most likely be bad news and he said, "yes, I know", he still decided to post on FB that I was off for a scan. Cue loads more people asking if I was pregnant, when I'd just received the bad news that I wasn't.

I knew it was going to happen so I actually found that the MC itself didn't upset me too much. The bit that upset me the most was all the people knowing and having to tell everyone something that I felt intensely private about. This time I feel I have to get as far away from that scenario as possible, so I'm really reluctant to tell even DH. I know when I do tell him, he'll keep his mouth shut this time, but part of me feels I need that control back.

The only reason I totally didn't tear him a new one last time over telling everyone is that I knew he genuinely thought everything would be ok, so he was devastated when I MC, much more than I was. Part of me wants to avoid him feeling like that again. He didn't tell everyone to spite me, he was just so happy and wanted to share it with everyone and I didn't exactly tell him he couldn't tell people, I just expected him to have a little more tact about it and just tell close friends and family.

I'm going to have to tell him soon, but I just don't know how to approach it TBH. Just the thought of telling him makes me feel ill, because I know all the stress and worry from last time will start all over again. sad

tattyteddy Sun 19-Dec-10 15:02:54

Hello Wolowizard,

I can understand the way you're feeling. I didn't want to tell anyone about new pregnancy after MMC including my DH.

However, eventually I did tell him but we were very discreet the second time around. Maybe you could sit DH down and say you really dont want anyone knowing this time until much later in the pregnancy??

Take care and I hope everything goes well with the pregnancy this time xx

sam26oscar Sun 19-Dec-10 21:47:08

i didn't tell my DH until i was 8 weeks gone after my previous m/c. i had an early scan and told him after i had seen the heartbeat and knew things were progressing as they should. i did this to protect him more than myself as he was devastated after the m/c. to be honest he didn't really know my cycle and it was easy to explain that i thought i was still mixed up with hormones from the m/c, so didn't know myself for sure. So i kinda lied a bit but i thought i was doing the right thing for us. By the way am now 29+3 so it can turn out just fine smile lots of luck to you. Oh and Congratulations grin

speffles Mon 20-Dec-10 16:24:42

I can really sympathise with this, I had a MC in September and am pregnant again now. My DH was pretty well behaved the first time and didn't tell anyone without talking to me first but the rest of his family got a bit over excited. His mum told her siblings who told their children. My SIL told her 5 year old. I felt like a complete troll when I tried to rein them in.

I'm glad I did though as telling everybody about the MC was really difficult. Luckily they've been much calmer about it this time.

I think you should tell him and, while you have his undivided attention, make sure that he agrees to keep it to himself for now. Make sure he knows what pressure he put you under last time - it's stressful enough for you right now.

AliGrylls Mon 20-Dec-10 17:16:44

Congrats on your pregnancy.

With my second pregnancy (first one m/c'ed) we went to get scan done privately. The obstetrician said that the crucial point is actually 9 weeks. If they make it past 9 weeks there is something like a 99% chance of the baby making it to term. So, my advice would be waiting until you are 9 weeks until you tell him.

Good luck.

Wolowizard Thu 23-Dec-10 15:11:36

Thanks for the replies.
I think I'll have to tell him soon, because he'll start noticing that I'm not drinking, which is odd for me. I don't drink heavily by any means, but will maybe have a small glass of wine every other night.
Also, I'm starting to feel ill, which I won't be able to hide for long.

I might tell him on Christmas Day, though he will start worrying as well as being happy.

MumNWLondon Thu 23-Dec-10 15:53:54

Can you not tell him that what happened last time was extremely upsetting for you, moreso that everyone knew so you don't want to tell anyone at all until 12 weeks.

Or maybe have this conversation with him without saying you are pregnant, like a "if I did get pregnant again, then..."

theevildead2 Thu 23-Dec-10 17:12:59

I was going to saw what MumNWlondon said about having a hypothetical conversation to see where he is with telling family. If he says oh I'll only tel a, b , c, d, blah blah leave it till you feel comfortable. Would you like him to tell no one at all even parents? I think its fair if you don't but make sure he is on the same wave length. News gets around fast,. I might say I wasn't drinking because you are hoping to conceive and want to be as healthy as possible.

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