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abortion advice desperately needed

(39 Posts)
binkymum1 Tue 14-Dec-10 19:56:32

Please can you help me...

I have two daughters and have found out that I am pregnant again! I did want a third child but I feel that I am not sure now!

I hate the thought of an abortion and I even cry when looking up information on the internet, however I am not sure I we can cope with 3! I have a very needy 2.5 year old and she is very mummy orientated. I worry that if we go ahead their whole quality of life will be badly affected.. Space at home and their father's working hours are an issue. I am 39 so I am aware this may be my last option for any pregnancy.

However, I just feel that something is amiss...I worry that something may happen to me whilst I have any 3rd child and then my two daughters will have no mummy (hormones probably!!)

I worry that if I had an abortion I would spend the rest of my life feeling guilty!! I cant beleive I am even contemplating it...Do you get over it?? I just don't know what is best.....x

spikydahlia Tue 14-Dec-10 20:13:16

I was unsure about having a second child. We were are all so happy and I had finally got through the first year and felt a bit more like me again. I cried after having sex and said that I didn't think I could go through with a the stress of a newborn and a toddler. But at 37 I knew that if I was going to have another child this was my last chance.

I am pregnant again now and I was quite scared earlier on in my pregnancy but have come around to the idea, and any PN depression I get this time will just be a blip.

I can't comment on abortion. I agree it is a difficult choice but whatever you decide remember you are only choosing the right solution for your family.

Big hug

I hope someone else soon writes who has some more experience than me.

elizabethjane Tue 14-Dec-10 20:24:45

Hello Binkymum1, what is your gut feeling telling you?

I don't think anyone else can tell you what to do because when your decision is made it is you who will have to deal with it forever. Not anyone who advises you.

Its your right to do whatever is right for you. I think that many people have an abortion and are content that they have made the right decision and they can definitely live with it.

HOWEVER, if you are already imagining feeling guilty then I would think long and hard before making a decision. Because you'll not cope well if you're haunted by guilt. Many people wouldn't feel guilty at all. It depends on your own opinions/beliefs etc. There's no right or wrong answer.

I expect those who make the right choice are those who have taken enough time to think it through in detail. If you are going to speak to someone about it then pick someone who can be objective and has no agenda/bias of their own. You'll not be able to blame them afterward if someone encourages you to do what you DON'T really want because it truly is up to you to decide in the end.

I hope you reach a decision you can be content with; I am sure you can if you just give yourself some time.

QueenGigantaurofMnet Tue 14-Dec-10 20:28:38

you are feeling hormonal and are worrying. thats normal.

You don't want an abortion.

you want reassurance that things will be ok.
WE can most certainly do that grin

whomovedmychocolate Tue 14-Dec-10 20:30:02

How pregnant are you? If you are very hormonal is it possible you are more pregnant than you think?

woolymindy Tue 14-Dec-10 20:30:41

What does your Dh think?

tweedlezee Tue 14-Dec-10 20:33:50

Whatever you decide to do, ask your Doctor about speaking to a counsellor.
They will help enormously with your feeling of being in 2 minds. Alot of services will provide counselling many free of charge.

JuneBugJr Tue 14-Dec-10 20:36:04

Sounds like a difficult decision Binky, so many hugs to you.

I have had a termination, but in very different circumstances to yours. Uni student, no stability etc. I assume its much more difficult when you already have a family and can see the 'result' of the pregnancy, I know Ive found it hard dealing with a past termination since having DD, even though Im very pro choice and know I made the right choice.

When I got pregnant for the second time (all planned), I felt very regretful about the pregnancy (how it would effect our DD, comfortable life and finances, the whole coping issue of toddler and baby), then developed Hyperemesis, so went as far as looking up Tx clinics, but couldnt do it. So far Im 18 ish weeks and am now quite excited.

How many weeks are you? Do you have time to think about it for a few weeks as you sound unsure? Both options of a medical and surgical tx are quite straightforward procedures before 12 weeks I think.

Also keep in mind if you do sway on the side of keeping the pregnancy, a lot can change in 10 months, the 2.5 yr old may be in school or less clingy.

But if you do know you absolutely wont be able to cope, or simply do not want to continue, there is no shame in going for tx.

Comparing the Tx I had and this 2nd pregnancy: with the Tx I had, there was no doubt in my mind it was the right thing to do, I would have been devastated to have kept going with the pregnancy, and would have walked to the other end of the earth to get one. With this pregnancy, it was more worries, what about this or that issue etc, and no 100% in my mind, of 'this has to end now'.

I dont want to sway you either way, as either choice you make will be right for your family. Best of luck.

LemonDifficult Tue 14-Dec-10 20:36:34

Hi Binkymum1, don't be hard on yourself. This is tough. (Un-mumsnetty hugs to you)

I'm pro-choice and generally avoid threads like this because I don't want to say the wrong thing or get in a fight. There really isn't a 'right' answer to your question. An enormous number of women have abortions every year and the nation isn't sffeing a wave of untrammelled grief as a result. So if an abortion is right for your family don't be scared to make that decision.

However, I do want to say that you seem from your post to be a caring, thoughtful, self-aware person and if you do decide to go through with the pregancy you'll probably find making space for the third child comes more naturally than you expect.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

NonnoMum Tue 14-Dec-10 20:37:08

I can't comment on the bigger issues here but I can comment on having a surprise 3rd!

Oh my word, it shocked me to my very core, especially as I managed to conceive only 5 months after having my second...

And, yes, it is hard work.

But now I can't imagine what life would be like just being a family of four.

And he is the cutest thing I've ever seen.

And the labour was less than an hour... (And I was 38)

wink

sotough Tue 14-Dec-10 20:38:07

hi, all i would say is that abortion does live with you forever. i had one years ago. it was the right decision at the time; however, i can barely bear to think about it now and deeply regret that i ever got myself into such a situation. if you are already torn i would strongly advise you against termination, as you have no idea how hard the emotions will hit you afterwards, but as other posters have said, only you can make the decision.

hester Tue 14-Dec-10 21:09:55

With all respect (honestly) to sotough's post, I have to say that abortion does not necessarily live with you forever. Many, many women have had abortions and never regretted them, even those who found it a difficult choice at the time. I have had an abortion myself, yes; I have also worked in abortion clinics and I don't think anybody - myself included - can advise you on what you should do. What I can do is to offer all my sympathies and suggest you act quickly and get some good non-directive counselling to help you decide what to do. All best wishes x

binkymum1 Tue 14-Dec-10 21:19:36

Thank you for all your kind and helpful messages..Yes I am very early on (only about 5.5 weeks) so I know the early raging hormones have only just started..

My husband wil support whatevenr I decide and would not force me into anything. As I said, I am just so unsure as to whats best. I have always prided myself on being responsible and never had to make any decisions such as this. We really did want to try for a 3rd earlier on in the year but had then resigned ourselves to it not happening, in fact we had our two daughters christened together only a week ago. I know I have lots of thinking to do, its just such a difficult choice...I love my daughters so much.

Anyway I need to go to work now...Will speak soon and thanks again x

AliBellandthe40jingles Tue 14-Dec-10 21:25:53

I really would recommend speaking to a counsellor who is trained to discuss this subject.

I had an abortion many years ago, admittedly in completely different circumstances to you, but I don't regret my decision. Yes I think about it from time to time, but it in no way overwhelms my life or thoughts.

I agree with every word of LemonDifficult's post.

Good luck with whatever you decide

PipPipPip Tue 14-Dec-10 21:40:00

Hi Binkymum, just want to say be a bit careful with Mumsnet - I've seen some women get very strong reactions when they post about abortion on here. I'd hate to see you get an "abortion is wrong" kind of rant on here when you're probably already feeling a bit delicate.

I encourage you to speak to your family, a councillor and listen to your gut instinct.

Good luck. Whatever you do, you have millions of women standing beside you.

lilly13 Tue 14-Dec-10 22:28:52

This is a tough situation to advise on. Abortion will haunt you down all your life. Your child has a heartbeat by appox the 5th from your last menstrual period, so you would be killing a live creature. Can you live with this? I know that I would not... I am sure there would be lots of desperate people who have been trying to conceive for years and would pay you lots of money to have this baby adopted if you cannot afford additional childcare, and you would be bringing so much happiness to someone's lives. I am not suggesting that this is what you should do, but this could be an option... Listen to your heart and speak with your DH and family, and don't rush with the decision... Sending you hugs!

Applemuncher Tue 14-Dec-10 22:36:23

I'm not best equipped to give advice as I'm not in your shoes but I would say the following based on either my own experience or the experience of close friends:

1. You have to 'want' an abortion to be comfortable with your decision.
2. Your 2.5 toddler will cope, it may even help her be less clingy
3. You will cope with how much space you have/finances - that's what we do.
4. You will have enough love to go around all your children equally.

Good luck with your decision. It won't be easy either way.

Valpollicella Tue 14-Dec-10 22:47:37

Lilly13, with all due respect that really isn't a helpful post.

And people don't get paid for putting a child up for adoption hmm

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Tue 14-Dec-10 22:47:54

Do remember that in 8 months' time, your very clingy 2.5yo will be over 3, probably at preschool and probably also an awful lot more independent.
Any pregnancy is terrifying at the beginning. With both of mine, I had 'oh hell, what have I done' moments at regular intervals in the early weeks, and they were both very planned. I also remember lying in bed in floods of tears because I love DS so much and I thought the new baby would take something away from him. She didn't...
If you had been actively trying for a 3rd, and hate the thought of an abortion, that sounds to me as though you've already decided, deep down.
And, basically, what Applemuncher said.
Good luck.

ninani Tue 14-Dec-10 23:04:43

I am sure the baby will fit somewhere! My 2nd child who is very clingy was actually the one who was not jealous of the 3rd!! He was much less jealous than the 1st! And like others have said your DD2 will be at school next year. Also your DD1 will passionately want to look after the baby as girls do. They become so curious and excited! Your 2 older children will gradually occupy one another even more as they grow older.

I think children are the best gift someone could possibly get. I'd rather sucrifice comforts than one of my children. You will never regret keeping the baby especially since you have a loving family But you could regret keeping your whatever comforts. You are also lucky that after you have this child your fertility will have declined a lot (which I understood is what you want) so no more chances for unplanned pregnancies!

P.S. Our no3 is 6m.o. and tries to copy the elders' favourite words as they try to talk to him! They tickle him and say "booh!" etc and make him laugh and scream with excitement He is a mixture of the other 2 in everything. Both of them think that their brother looks like them!

differentnameforthis Tue 14-Dec-10 23:48:21

Abortion will haunt you down all your life

hmm

No it won't! I had a termination in Jan 09. We had a contraceptive failure when dd2 was 5 months old. Ironic, as it was the first time since her birth (I had a section) that I felt up to it.

It completely knocked me sideways. I knew that a termination was a given, it wasn't a choice I had to make. It was a given because I don't do pregnant! I get very ill, I have lasting medical problems from dd2's pregnancy, that another would have made worse (I could already feel it worsening). I have had 2 sections. I didn't want 3 children. I lived with the pregnancy for several weeks, as it was over Christmas & no one could fit me in until Jan. I was under the darkest cloud I have ever experienced in my life. I was a horrible person to dh, to the girls. All I wanted was to not be pregnant.

The termination hasn't haunted me. I am absolutely OK with what I did & my reasons for doing it. Almost 2 years on, I see every day that a 3rd would not have worked for us.

Women can & do have terminations & live not to regret it. My only emotion when I woke was sheer relief that I wasn't pregnant any more.

I now sit with dd2 on my lap & my friends 18mth old up there too & think 'this could have been my life' and I am unspeakably thankful that it isn't!

differentnameforthis Tue 14-Dec-10 23:53:36

You will never regret keeping the baby

Would just like to point out that yes, people DO regret keeping babies. If you search my name, you will I am living proof of it. My mother was in 2 minds, she was persuaded by her family & my father to keep me (I was the third). She has never forgiven them for taking away her choice.

We don't have a relationship, and stopped talking when I left home at 18.

differentnameforthis Tue 14-Dec-10 23:55:55

and we stopped talking when I left home at 18.

Ephiny Wed 15-Dec-10 09:22:32

I think abortion can be the right choice sometimes, and can believe people do have regrets either way, but the OP doesn't sound like it's the right choice for her with this pregnancy.

If you've always wanted a 3rd child, and you feel sad and upset at the thought of abortion - that sounds like you know what you want to do. Whatever you end up doing, make sure you're doing what you choose and what you feel is right and best for you. I think it's when people make these decision under pressure from others and feeling that they have no choice, that there starts to be feelings of regret and guilt and anger.

mamacorner Wed 15-Dec-10 09:51:46

I was in a similar situation to you, although for some very different reasons, when I discovered I was pregnant with my 3rd, our life was at a point were I felt I was barely able to properly take care of to the two we already had. I truly believed a termination was the best thing to do for our "family", rationalising it against the gut reaction that it wasn't what I wanted( sounds similar to the way you feel). I went through the procedure, crying as I went, despite having "councilling".
That was 7 years ago now, I've since been throught two miscarriages (My guilty irrational self stupidly believing it was what I deserved...) I was unable to move on from the instinctive longing for a child. And finally at age 40 I am 32 weeks pregnant, I am so truly thankful to be able to have another chance.
I am very pro choice and do believe it's the right thing for some people and circumstances, but I would follow your gut feeling and try not to rationalise it too much.
Good luck whatever you decide.

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