Planned pregnancy but now petrified!

[munkeychops]

Hi everyone,

I have just joined here in the hope of getting a bit of advice and support.

My partner and I started trying for a baby in October, and conceived just a few weeks after started trying! I'm now 10 weeks. We have been together for a long time, are happy and both want a family, but whilst I am really happy, my main emotions at the moment are anxiety and fear. I feel awful for feeling this way, and keep hearing of people that felt "in love" with their baby the moment they found out they were pregnant. I don't feel that way and feel bad that I don't. If anything, I just feel numb and stressed whenever I think about it. Did other people feel this way? If so, did you become more excited/at ease with the situation as time passed?

I think what might be stressing me is that for some odd reason I had it in my head that it would take us around nine months to conceive (doh!), and we would therefore have had time to get the practical stuff sorted - we still have quite a lot of credit card debts to pay off and aren't able to move house right now. I keep focusing on this and thinking that things aren't "perfect".

This must sounds ridiculous!

Thanks for reading.

[PermaShattered]

Sounds familiar! I came off the pill to try for our first pregnancy (I'm now expecting our fourth!) and expected it to take months. It took 4-5 weeks.

So although it was planned, when I did the pregnancy test and it was positive I was terrified. A case of oh no, what have I done? Don't forget hormones are up the creak right now so you will have thoughts that don't make sense but they will settle down. I've never heard of people falling in love with their baby as soon as they fall pregnant and i can't relate to that really. It took time for me. Probably what they mean is they fall in love with the knowledge that they are nurturing a baby. Just a thought....

I think you'll find that when you get used the idea in time, and when you start to feel the baby move (some time yet obviously) you will feel very very differently.

Oh, and things will never be perfect. If they ever become perfect it wouldn't be perfect for long. If you are in a happy stable loving relationship, that is the perfection you should strive for - and it sounds like you have that.

Hope that all helps!

[pinkclouds]

monkey Honestly I think is normal. I certainly felt this way with number 1. After a year of ttc finally got preggers and went into panic mode.

DH lost his job, we were in a rented house and had loads of debt, I had just started a new job the week before we found out!!!

I think it's all the hormones running wild in the early stages. Honestly try not to worry, it is never 'perfect' (well not to my knowledge). Life isn't perfect, but I can tell you this, it was as close to perfect as it could be when she wads born and none of those things were important. And after spending 8 months stressing about it all it didn't matter .

[PureAsTheDrivenShow]

It's normal. You know practically that everything's changed, that you've made the biggest commitment you will ever make and life as you know it will never be the same again. But at the same time nothing's different. You might just feel a bit sad or anxious or sick. I kept thinking shouldn't I be more ecstatic or feel different. I just felt overwhelmed I think.

And I don't think many people fall in love with an unborn baby, particularly their first. Not after 10 weeks certainly. Because you have no idea what it means to have a baby yet.

It's is such a normal reaction. But it disappears. Scans, kicks, holding your baby etc, it snowballs into something bigger and more wonderful than you can practically comprehend in your first trimester.

You'll be just fine.

[AmyJane84]

Munkeychops, I wanted to thank you for posting this thread. Reading your post mirrors exactly how I feel. My baby wasn't planned and the whole pregnancy thing overwhelms me, one min i'm happy about it, the next i'm crying thinking I don't want this to happen. I feel awful for thinking it because I know when the baby is born i'll love he/she more than anything else.

My situation isn't perfect for me but I do have a partner who I have never seen excited about anything, (not even rugby tickets for eng vs wales) is bouncing off the walls.

I'm pleased i'm not the only one and encouraged to hear other peoples experiences are similar.

I hope it all goes well for you.

[PipPipPip]

I feel totally the same! Planned pregnancy but still thought "!!!!!!!!" when I read the test.

The wonderful thing about pregnancy is that you've got nine whole months to get your sht together. Thank GOD the little critters don't drop out a fortnight later. There is time. Don't rush, just take it slowly. You'll get there.

Also, I often remind myself that my parents and my grandparents probably didn't have their sht together when they conceived. It probably took them a couple of years to get into the groove.

Remember that the main thing your child needs is love. It doesn't care about money.

[tingelingle]

This sounds very similar to me. Both times, got pregnant easily and am now currently a freaked out mum to be of twins. I know it's a gift, I'm very lucky etc but I hate pregnancy and I'm scared stiff of life after (how I'll cope etc).

However, behind me curled up asleep on the sofa right now is a very poorly very beautiful little girl who I wouldn't swap for the world. It took me the whole 9 months of pregnancy and a good 9 after she arrived to really feel this. She's amazing and one day you'll feel like that about your DC too. Whether that is before they come along or a long time after. There's so many things for you to worry about in pregnancy, just don't worry about feelings as well.

The difference in this 2nd pregnancy for me is that I realise it's ok not to feel the way you think you 'should'.

[EdgarAllenSnow]

i hate being PG - its rubbish. i could happily skip the first 6 months too.

[WriterofDreams]

Save yourself a lot of hassle and firmly tell yourself to stop listening to the bumkum other people spout about pregnancy right now! Firstly I think it's quite rare for someone to fall in love with their baby as soon as they know their pregnant. For me it didn't even seem like I was pregnant at all until I saw the little person on the scan. Even then it didn't really sink in and I don't think it'll be truly real until I hold him in my arms. Therefore, while I'm excited and really cannot wait to meet him I wouldn't say I love him as such as I don't know him at all. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

It's normal to be freaked out by pregnancy - it's such a huge life-changing event! Try to take each day as it comes and remember, as others have said, nothing is ever perfect.

[munkeychops]

Thank you everyone so much for your responses, it has genuinely put my mind at ease a bit!

It's reassuring to know that these kind of feelings are common, and I guess everyone is right - there is no "perfect" situation. If I wasn't stressing about our big debts, I'm sure I would just find something else I felt wasn't the way it "should" be.

In my bizarre little mind, I seem to have this idea that everyone who is trying for a baby/pregnant has got their whole lives in order - finances, relationship, house, health etc etc. I'm afraid I can be a bit of a black and white thinker at times, haha!

On a different note, I really like this website. It seems like a really supportive and informative place to come!

Thanks guys xxx

[snowangels1]

I've written a post on a similar vein to this in the past. I'm now 29 weeks and have had a very trying pregnancy (feeling sick throughout, having to take alot of time off work etc etc). I'm really excited about having a baby (it was planned) but also scared, anxious, worried if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm ready etc. I also can feel down about the whole thing (makes me feel terrible and bad when I am). I've been suffering a bit from mild ante natal depression and anxiety though. From all the post replies I had on here I was reassured that it's all normal.

[PermaShattered]

Munkeychops: if people have got their lives in order, it won't last long when they start having children!!! Having them is the BEST EVER THING IN THE WORLD, but I (with 3 and one due in March) have taken a loooooong time to accept that my house will never be tidy, money will be tight for sometime, etc etc - but any disorder(I have to remind myself) is not important compared to the joy and wonder of parenthood.

[Balsam]

I believe this is why pregnancy lasts nine months. It's nature's way of making sure you're used to the idea because you need that long to get your head around it.

It IS frightening. But it's also brilliant.

[systemsaddict]

Congratulations!!

No falling in love with unborn baby here. In fact, I felt extremely 'distant' from my first baby throughout the pregnancy tbh, and when the midwife at the antenatal classes said innocuous things like 'you'll meet your baby soon' I would just cringe. It didn't seem real and at the same time the thought of having to look after a baby was petrifying. Very different once he had arrived and we got to know each other.

Don't worry you are normal! and things don't have to be 'perfect', very few people have babies at the right time. Having kids is about muddling along with whatever you have as a family. (Our house was tiny and I wanted us to move house before baby no. 1 - we didn't manage it until baby no. 2 was a year and a quarter!)

[HermyaTheRedNosedReindeer]

Munkey I felt the same way. Pregnancy is very exciting but I was so terrified and anxious throughout the whole time. I did in fact hate being pregnant and at time resented the bump. But once my DS came out and the drugs wore off I looked at my DS and thought 'wow' and it made the whole thing worth while.

It is very very scary but it's like one of those rollercosters at Alton Towers. You absolutely crap yourself going on it and actually being on the ride, but looking back you realise you actually enjoyed it in a bizare weird way.

If you want to stick around theres a group here at different stages of their first pregnancies, you are more than welcome to come and join us. Otherwise, theres antenatel threads for your due date month as well that you can get on board and chat with people on. I love MN, I give the people here a lot of credit for keeping me sane.

[munkeychops]

Ah brill, thanks again everyone. Def think I will stick around!

[TwinklePants]

Munkey just wanted to say that probably everyone has moments of feeling like this - even I do and I had IVF to conceive and the baby is much much wanted! It's normal to have a wobble, it just means that you're taking things seriously which is the right attitude.

I would be more worried if you were skipping around thinking it was all going to be sunshine and roses (and not thinking about the practical stuff, like finances), it would say to me that you're not being realistic about it all!

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

Twinklepants (14 week today)

[JMMP]

I just found out I was pregnant 2 days ago, and reading this has made me feel so much better. The baby is somewhat planned (we weren't trying but were no longer preventing). When I opened the test box, I was hoping it would be positive. When I saw that it was, I panicked and thought "What have we done?!" Last night, I literally hysterically cried myself to sleep while spouting out my fears to my husband. While I still feel terrified and not ready and a little bit like I wish this wasn't happening, it's nice to know I'm not alone. I do not want to deal with 9 months of symptoms, I do not want my life to change...things that a week ago, I thought I was prepared for. I hope this passes quickly. I talked to friends with babies, and they all tell me it's worth it, but it's nice to know other women feel the same way at this stage. Makes me feel like I'm not already a crappy mom!

[cowboylover]

Thanks to the OP and proving that it is not only me. DH said the other day when I was having a wobble 'I thought this is what you want' and I blubbed because he is right this is what I want but I am terrified.

I am 19 weeks and still cant believe how quick it happened for us!

We are a good couple, me have a nice house and we can afford it so now there is nothing under the really important catergory that we cant do but hey thats hormones for you!

Enjoy your pregnancy when you can x