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do you think that DP/DH's should come to scans?

(41 Posts)
spikeycat Tue 26-Aug-03 11:20:17

I'm feeling rather pissed off that my dp can not be bothered to come to my scan today. Its a 12 week one where they do the test for downs etc.

He has downs in his family so its a nerve wracking time for me. He didn't bother coming to ds's scans either and I'm beginning to feel like a single parent.

Just keep beomg let down by him and disapointed.

WideWebWitch Tue 26-Aug-03 11:24:28

Oh, I wouldn't be very happy either. Why won't he come? Do you think he's scared (she said, making a feeble excuse for him and so what if he is anyway, you might be too and he should jolly well buck his ideas up even if this is the case) Anyway, sorry you're not feeling supported. Have you told him how it makes you feel?

bunnyrabbit Tue 26-Aug-03 11:26:50

Spikeycat,
I think this is a personal thing between you and your dp. I've found that people differ dramatically in their attitude on this subject. I know several people who did not have their dp with them for their scans and didn't care. However it was important to me so my dh did attend.

In this instance it sounds like it's very important to you the he's there. Silly question, but does he know how important this is to you? Have you let him know how upset you are and how you feel?

Maybe he just doesn't realise how nerve wracking this is for you and that you need him with you.

BR

Ghosty Tue 26-Aug-03 11:28:40

Well, spikeycat ... I am sorry that you are feeling bad. I have to say that I would be terribly upset if my DH didn't bother coming to scans. The way that I see it is that the baby is just as much his as mine and I am just the 'vessel' that is carrying it ... I think it is his duty to come. But then again I don't think my DH would want to miss them. It is the only time that he gets a chance to 'bond' ... during the pregnancy ...
I am sorry, but I think your DH is being selfish and I am not surprised you feel let down.
Thinking of you .... xxxxxxxxxxxx
PS ... I didn't think that down's Syndrome 'ran' in families so I didn't think there should be a reason for you DH to worry too much on that score ....

spikeycat Tue 26-Aug-03 11:31:01

I have told him, when he was trying to tell me how to get to the hospital, I said instead of telling me you should be there, as you well know. He just said he would try and cancel some meetings and "might" be able to make it.

He promised to be more supportive of this pregnancy, and enjoy it with me as he was not too good with ds but now, less than 3 months in he can't be arsed again.

wickedstepmother Tue 26-Aug-03 11:37:49

Absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, YES ! It was so important for me that my DH (then DP) came to the scans for our DD. I think it really brought it home to DH that we were to become parents (3rd time around for him). I would have never chosen for DH to not attend.

Your situation is obviously totally different and you have my sympathy and support. Perhaps your DP is scared of the possible outcome as I'm sure that he will be aware of the hightened risk factor on his side. Or perhaps he just doesn't realise how important his attendance is to you ? Perhaps I'm making excuses for him but you don't mention whether you have sat down and calmly discussed his reluctance with him ?

Whatever happens, I wish you luck with your scan today and please try to enjoy this first peep at your newest family member

wickedstepmother Tue 26-Aug-03 11:38:38

Sorry spikey my server disconnected so I didn't see your most recent post.

wickedstepmother Tue 26-Aug-03 11:39:19

Is it possib;le that it is genuinely a work issue and that are not making it easy for him to attend ?

Bozza Tue 26-Aug-03 11:39:48

My DH didn't come to my dating scan at 9 weeks because there wasn't much to see. He came to the 20 week scan and because DS was "large for dates" I went on to have them every four weeks. I think he came to the 24 week one but then didn't bother after that which was fair enough because they were largely routine. I'm sure he appreciated being there. Also being booked in for so many scans was quite a perk for me - getting to see my baby every month Only problem was having to drink all that water all the time.

motherinferior Tue 26-Aug-03 12:25:03

SC, I'm so sorry - I feel very strongly that one needs support during a scan, because it isn't just to have a look at the baby, it's to CHECK things.

Thinking of you and hope it goes/went well.

M2T Tue 26-Aug-03 12:28:30

Poor you Spikey Cat. Men just don't get it! Until they feel the wriggling in your tummy and see the bump some men don't really have any feelings toward the pregnancy. It makes them look very insensitive, but really it's just their simple mentality.... "if I can't see it or touch it.... it doesn't exist"! A bit a dogs simple reasoning.... lol

Good luck at the scan.

spikeycat Tue 26-Aug-03 12:33:20

Thanks guys, I just mailed him as I hadn't heard whether he was coming or not, the scans at 2 so I take it he's not

Hope they don't mind me taking ds in with me - he's only 8 months?

Jenie Tue 26-Aug-03 13:46:19

My dp went to all of my scans for dd and only missed 1 for ds (unavoidable as he was out of the country). I realy feel for you today, it's nerve wracking enough to go with your partner but to do it alone (well virtually) is very hard.

I actually sat in the waiting area and cried for 10 mins then a very nice nurse said that she'd come in and hold my hand. It was a great help but not the same.

You should tell him how scared you feel.

Good luck. I'll be thinking of you so let us know how you get on.

codswallop Tue 26-Aug-03 13:48:42

Mine missed a couple of my 6. I see what you mean about the Downs - that does put a different spin on it. I am sure they will be great though - at least you dont have to put up with mine quizzing the midwife about everything - drove me nuts.

monkey Tue 26-Aug-03 14:21:38

men are definitely a different breed. If it were men who carried the baby, i'd want to be at every scan, I'm sure, but it's just not the same for men. I think dh came to all the ones from 1st pg, I think he came to 1, maybe 2 from ds2. This time is different, as I have a scan (nearly) every time I see doc, so that makes 5 so far. Dh has come to one, and only becasue I specifically asked him to. I'd like him to come again, but don't know if he will be able to as he is really busy & often travelling for work. He also rarely touches my belly to feel the kicks. There is definitely less interest with it being a 2nd or 3rd baby too, and not just from dh, but the whole family.

With my dh, phrases like 'you should do x, y or z' just seem to really annoy him, as does me thinking it and assuming he'll do it, then getting annoyed when he doesn't, or I finally give in & have a go at him. Now, as soon as I know the date I'll tell him, I have a scan on xxx, and I really need you to come if you can. I then ring him at work closer to the time (he always forgets the date) where he has access to diaries etc and get him to put it down & confirm it.

If none of these work, can you get a friend or relative to come with you? I took my ds1 (then about 10 months) to all of my antenatal appointemnts including scans and never got even a slightly negative look or comment.

tinyfeet Tue 26-Aug-03 14:36:59

Sorry to hear, SC. We all have our issues with our DPs or DHs. My DH was happy to come to the 1 scan I have had, yet he is not very helpful with caring for DD on a daily basis. He also criticizes me for not paying enough attention to DD, etc. I'd rather him not go to the scan and pay more attention to DD and stop criticizing me, but it seems that he is happy to do the things where other people are involved and will see and possibly praise his attentiveness, but he doesn't do those things that only I or DD see. Make any sense? Men are really difficult sometimes. At least you know you are not alone. I try not to expect too much. HTH.

ThomCat Tue 26-Aug-03 15:36:32

Sorry to hear you're not being supported. Can you take a friend, just so you have someone there, and then perhaps he'll feel it should be him there not a "stranger" and maybe then he'll come with you.
Also have you discussed the fears about your child with him and explained that if they were to give you any news that you don't want to hear you'll need him there etc etc.
Just realised you would have left for the scan already - how did it go?

spikeycat Tue 26-Aug-03 16:28:55

well, went for the scan but my dates are out by a week (i'm aparently 11 weeks 2 days) and it was too early to do the test for downs, so have another scan booked in two weeks.

Just got to see the little bean wiggling round and arching his/her (?) back. Got a picture too (which I got charged £2 for!).

So, lets see if he comes to this one. In fairness he rang about 10 mins before I was due to leave to say pick him up, which would have made me late for the scan so although the offer was there I think it was only cos he knew I would say I couldn't.

Thanks to all of you.

quackers Tue 26-Aug-03 16:58:07

I'm glad all is well with your baby spikey, LOL xxx, show DH your pic when he gets home and make sure he comes to the next one!

ThomCat Tue 26-Aug-03 17:24:26

If he doesn't go with you to the one in 2 weeks - we'll all get him for you!

BTW - my little girls has Downs - if there is anything yu want to discuss please don't hesiate to contact me, if you'd rather do it privatley ask Mumsnet for my email address.
Either way let us know how you get on in 2 weeks time won't you.

spikeycat Tue 26-Aug-03 17:40:41

thanks thomcat, I hope it didn't sound like I had any thing against having a downs baby - I don't
However, I would be shocked (if thats the right word) if the test did come out that my risk was high, and I think he should be there because of that.
Will keep you all up todate. BTW, I just picked him up form work and he didn't even ask how it went, or ask to see the scan picture, which was clearly visable through my notes

ThomCat Tue 26-Aug-03 18:03:19

No spikey you didn't make it sound that way at all hon', just want you to know I'm here if you want to ask me anything, and I won't think bad of you whatever it is. pregnant girlies are always going to worry about something and if you have a real concern it must be horrible for you. I'm SO sorry he hasn't asked you anything - that must be massively upsetting - I think you should just tell him, not shout, but say calmly how sad it's making you and ask for his support 'please' etc.
Keep in touch.
lots of love - TC xx

jac34 Tue 26-Aug-03 18:20:58

My DH came to the 12 week scan, which was just as well as we discovered we were expecting twins, I don't think he would have believed it otherwise.
After that I always went alone, it didn't bother me at all. I worked in the same hospital, so I'd just nip out of work, go to my scan, then go back to work, it would have been a bit silly for DH to come from the other side of town, just for that.
I also got a bit fed up of being scanned, at some point (can't remember which week, I think 20 somthing), they started to scan me every two weeks, they would offer me the pictures, but I already had loads, so I'd give them away to family.

However, if him attending the scan realy matters to you, he should make more of an effort to be there !!

bunny2 Tue 26-Aug-03 20:36:11

Dh has always attended scans with me except, during my 2nd pg, ds was ill so I took a friend. During the scan I was told there was no heartbeat. It was the most awful moment in my life and I desperately needed dh with me. . He'll never miss another one I'm sure.

wiltshire Sun 31-Aug-03 09:20:07

I thought this was apt for those of you who have a DH like mine (who wasn't interested in scans at all)

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

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