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Dealing with MIL round 2 ( 2nd baby)

(14 Posts)
gateacre1 Tue 30-Nov-10 18:53:49

Hi everyone
I am starting to get a little anxious about the dreaded mil again, last time with dd1 was a nightmare, I wont go into too much detail, but the usual nastiness on mil part, I was doing everything wrong and she wanted to take over everything and would openly bitch about me to my oh and her family in her language in front of me.
over the last 2 1/2 yrs relations have improved but I still dont let her have prolonged access to my dd as we differ massively on safety issuesd and general child rearing!

Anyway my main worries are

1. she and FIL have a key to my house and they let themselves in without knocking ( I want this to stop )

2. Last time round she gave my dd a different name in her language and refused to acknowledge my dd'd name for 2 years

How can I tell her politely that I do not want this to happen again ( oh she also has random loss of understanding the english language when she doesnt like a conservation)

3. I dont want them to visit us a) in the hospital and b) for at least 3 days after I get home. I dont need the added stress and will be exhausted and dont need an extra battle on my hands again.

ahhhhh any advice/thoughts welcome
ps OH last time round did not stand up for me at all, I have told him that things have to be different this time fingers crossed!

CJMommy Tue 30-Nov-10 19:08:05

1. Take key off them (if you can't bring yourself to do that - change locks!

2. Tell her politely that your DC's given name is the one she must use - if she refuses, tell her not so politely.

3. Tell them straight or just don't tell them when you've given birth

4. Tell your other half to support you in this as you MUST be his priority, not his mother.

Let's face it, if you offend them, they may stay away longer!!

Forgive me if I sound harsh but I have had MIL issues in the past which have only been resolved by telling my DH to grow a spine (which he did very quickly)and if my MIL said something I didn't agree with, I told her straight away. I had a few years of keeping my mouth shut to appease her and DH but things only resolved when I was firm and everyone knew wher they stood - Good luck! remember it's about you and the baby and your little family unit. Why should you compromise to keep other people happy when they should be looking after you? Sorry if that sounds like a bit of a rant, but you go girl!!! grin

ledkr Tue 30-Nov-10 19:12:56

id say if dh cant support you in this then move out yourself maybe to your parents or a nice hotel.They will soon get sick of visiting an empty house,has he sai he supports you?

TooImmature2BMum Tue 30-Nov-10 19:13:16

Hmm. No particular advice, but it all sounds fraught and horrible! Do you speak her language? It sounds like you do as you understand the bitching, so why don't you switch into that if she pretends not to speak English?

Change the locks, or borrow the key back pretending to have lost yours, and don't give her it back!

Persuade OH not to phone when you go into labour/have the baby? You might stir up more trouble if she takes offence at this, though.

Good luck - hopefully someone with more ideas will be along soon!

ledkr Tue 30-Nov-10 19:14:16

i am having issues atm and have decided to be more upfront and take control,so yes thats right cj.

Chloejp91 Tue 30-Nov-10 19:19:22

"remember it's about you and the baby and your little family unit. Why should you compromise to keep other people happy?"

couldn't agree more! Now for me to take the same advice..

tlise Tue 30-Nov-10 19:23:53

MIL's should be shot :d well the majority anyway. Mine spent all last pregnancy refusing to talk about it, kept giving us filthy looks, and making comments such as it was disgusting. Didn't even buy anything for him cos she wanted a girl so it didn't carry on the family name. This time round she thinks she is my bump buddy...Ha! Not a chance, I won't even tell her anything.

My advice, if you upset her and she stops speaking, all the better for you ;)

CrazyPlateLady Tue 30-Nov-10 19:35:53

Take their key away, tell her the baby's name and refuse to speak to her if she uses any other name, get your DH to grow a pair and have a bloody word with her about her disgusting behaviour, don't let her know you have had the baby until you are home and tell your DH that you aren't having visitors for the first few days. Get the key off them before you have the baby!

If she discusses you in another language when you are right there, get up and walk out (even if its your house) and refuse to engage with her.

What a cow she sounds and your DH should be standing up for you and not allowing this.

lilly13 Tue 30-Nov-10 20:10:33

I can relate to your situation in some ways. My mother in law speaks in her own language in my presence most of the time to my DH which often makes me wonder and think the worse (it is very frustrating)... I have very little (if anything) in common with her as I come from a very different social status and educational background, and culture than her. I usually don't like giving advice, but on this occassion if I would like to say a few words. Life is long and complicated (as I am sure you know), and you don't want to burn any family bridges. You don't have to become best friends with your MIL (most of us never will), but try to be factual, polite and courteous. In terms of house keys, in many cultures it is not a big deal for in laws to have these. If it bothers you, then ask your husband to speak with parents so that they notify you before they arrive, or at least ask if it is okay to visit. Perhaps, you can give a middle name to your child in your MIL's language? You can be creative and find a really beautiful name! This would please everyone. You don't have to ever use it btw I think it is okay for you to not have visitors if you want privacy the first few days after delivery. Again, it is a matter of how you phrase this request. If you say it politely and softly, and be a bit apologetic about it, I am sure anyone would understand this in any language. Otherwise, you might ruin your relationship with your MIL, and it is always a very fine line -- from MIL to DP (well, at least in my experience)... I am not a Brit myself, and I can tell you that in many cultures if you were to do what some people suggest on this thread, your relationship would come under a severe strain. Don't let your emotions get on the way. Keep an even kiel as they say. Stay composed, optimistic and polite. You might be pleasantly surprised at the outcome over time! Good luck!

DreamingofFour Tue 30-Nov-10 20:17:13

I found it helpful to suggest that MIL visited while I was in hospital as 1. couldn't spend too long visiting - in fact no chair for visitor 2. meant no need to have visit at home hanging over me and I could justifiably recuperate for as long as it took.

You definitely need to get the key back or change the locks or put an additional lock on?

gateacre1 Wed 01-Dec-10 10:29:21

Thanks everyone for replies
I have spoken to OH about the key issue, he didnt know that they were letting themselves in without knocking/ringing the bell.
( we have a locked gate with an intercom, then a pathway to our house - they dont announce themselves at either just open the door) I explained that I want the freedom in my own house to sit with my boobs out especially if I have sore/cracked nipples again.

I understand a lot of the language (she switched between cantonese/mandarin and vietenamese - last time round everytime I knew she was bitching or being critical I would say to OH translate that please- he knew that I knew she wasnt saying nice things - tone/ non verbals etc but he wouldnt translate) I actually did on many occaisions get up and leave the house with the baby. But this time it will be winter, I will have had a C section and will have 2 kids to take with me !!

with regard to the name thing, I find her totally hypocritacal, she calls my OH by an english name,and her other son by an english name, yet she refused to acknowledge my dd1's name for 2 years.
I spoke to OH this morning and asked him to tell his mother that we will be naming the baby and not her and that she will call the new baby by the name we give it.

hoping OH's spine is a lot stronger this time, he does support me a lot more now so hoping it will continue
thanks everyone for the advice.

( will not inform people that I am home from hospital until I am ready for visitors)

happy snow day everyone!!

tlise Wed 01-Dec-10 12:35:18

It seems to be a common thing with inlaws, they can be as nice as pie then as soon as they have a grandchild turn into monsters. My Neices MIL regularly fed her daughter lots of junk and sugary things deliberately on days she had her so she would be hyper for mum. And even now they have had words and she doesn't have her so often, still does things she wouldn't let her own children do and goes out of her way to upset things. It makes you wonder why!!

I got back yesterday to find my thermostat on 15, MIL in house and I was told that I didn't need to have the temp on high. As the radiators were scaulding, which would be ok if the house had been allowed to warm up first. I didn;t invite her, I was out at the scan having left 2 old enough teens on their own who didn't need a babysitter but she felt they did. Any excuse to be in. GRRR

GlitteryBalls Wed 01-Dec-10 13:01:25

Sort your other half out and you've won the battle. If he agrees to what you're saying and you put on a united front to enforce what you want then your worries are over. x

momma13 Wed 01-Dec-10 22:47:51

Hiya

i a new here and I totally understand you.
I had the same issues with mil when dd1 was born.

What I did is not compromise. I tell her to give me the keys back and advise you whenever she want to come. Or if she comes unexpected I just ignore her and keep on doing whatever I am doing. I kept strong and have massive argument with her.
Now I am expecting number 3 and things have settle a bit. She behaved much better. It took nearly 6 years!!

And also don't worry cos dd1 now realise how granma is, I never critised her in front of her, and just doesn't feel close to her. And when MIL has a tramtrum dd1 asks me what's wrong with granma.

Good luck

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