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Please dont judge,...but a little reassuring/advise is needed...

(24 Posts)
Prettyfull Sat 27-Nov-10 18:31:21

Ok,...so i have one beautiful dd who is 6 shes my world, im a single mum and recently started working and studying which i love. I rather enjoy life as just me and her, im more then happy as things are.

Anyway,...so iv been seeing this lad on and off for a year, but nothing serious as i chose for it not to be. Iv just found out im pregnant,...it was unplanned and i wasnt expecting it,...after suffering an ectopic earlier in the year i didnt plan on trying for another child anytime soon.

So,...hes over the moon,....and im errrrm....50 50,...im kinda happy to be pregnant, id love another child and would love for dd to have a brother os sister,...but,...this isnt the ideal situation,...im not loved up with this guy for starters and dont particaulary want to be with him. Im not finaincialy stable and neither is he really. I cant imagine being with him and having a child, and now unsure of what to do. I dont think i can go through with aborting it as thats just not me,....and after suffering an ectopic,..my chances of having another ectopic are alot higher. So far this pregnancy seems to not be ectopic altho its not def yet...

I feel my dd's getting older,...im getting my life back on track,...sorting studying and work and im going out when i can afford to with my friends so eventually i'd like to meet someone im really in to and be happy,...ok that sounds selfish but its how i feel.

Now im in a situation where i can either end this pregnancy which i dont think i can bring myself to do,...so i either make ago of it with someone who i like but im not totally in to just kinda for the sake of having his child :-( or i go it alone which puts my life on hold,...and i feel im prob never going to meet anyone with two children by diff dads,....sorry i dont mean it to sound rude and i dont want anyone to take offence i just need to get off my chest how i feel :-(

Sorry if i offend anybody but i feel i need to talk and say how i feel to get my head straight.
Am i mad going thro with this even if means doing it alone? :-(

hester Sat 27-Nov-10 18:41:16

You don't sound selfish and I don't see why anyone would think any less of you having read your post. You're in a difficult situation, and it's not obvious which is the 'right' solution. You say you don't think you can bring yourself to have an abortion and that's fair enough, but you might still benefit from talking to a counsellor at Marie Stopes or BPAS. Similarly, I think that if you choose to go ahead with the pregnancy you and your boyfriend could benefit from seeing a Relate counsellor or similar - to work out if it makes more sense to go ahead as co-parents who are not partners, or whether to try to build your relationship.

Incidentally, my brother is very happily married to a woman who has two previous children by two different fathers. All of her children are fabulous and I'm proud to be their aunt. I'm not saying it's easy to start a new relationship as a single parent, just that it can happen and not everyone judges women in your position as you seem to be assuming they will.

In fact, your post is full of apologies. It really doesn't need to be. You sound like a great mum and I'm certain you'll make the right decision on what to do next. Just make sure you get the support you need for yourself. Best of luck x

LittleMilla Sat 27-Nov-10 18:47:00

Hey prettyfull, wanted to reply as it sounds like you need to talk this through. My first impression is that you know it's probably most the sensible thing in to keep this baby. Whilst you sound like a loving mother, the challenges you'll face mustn't be ignored.

Everyone on MN has different opinions, and so I am sure you'll get other points of view (which is prob why you posted!). But if I were you I'd probably abort it. If everything else was in place then i'd never suggest it, but you seem so uncertain about the dad and other parts of your life that it seems like the best option. Don't make do with someone you're not 100% about - it's not fair on you, your DD or him.

I appreciate that ppl cannot always have everything perfect. But reading your post I think that you know deep down that this isn't right. But understandably don't want to make a fipping hard decision.

Best of luck - I hope that you're able to come to your own conclusions. And concentrate on your DD. x

LittleMilla Sat 27-Nov-10 18:48:52

Sorry - second sentance is supposed to say: probably NOT the most sensible thing to keep the baby. Sorry

KatieScarlett2833 Sat 27-Nov-10 18:53:59

Do it if you can accept you'll probably be doing this alone. Or not. Either way, it does not make you a bad person, even a teensy bit.

I really dont envy you having to make this decision. Good luck in whatever you decide. x

toomanychristmaslights Sat 27-Nov-10 19:01:32

hester sorry to hear things haven't been great and that you are in a difficult place.

Not sure this is really something I can comment on as I don't know you, but I find it helpful to write a list in four segments. In your case it might be like this

Pros of keeping baby
Difficulties of keeping baby

Pros of not keeping baby
Difficulties of not keeping baby

It just, imo, helps things from going round and round i your head.

I hope you find some support in whatever you chose

Prettyfull Sat 27-Nov-10 19:21:09

Thankyou all for your advice/opinions....im still confused lol but feeling a little better for talking about this.

Thankyou toomanychristmaslights i will write a list but off the top of my head my main worries are if i abort which wil be hard for me,....but IF i do,...i worry about my chances of conceiving again in future as after an ectopic if this pregnancy is ok,...i considering myself extremly lucky, a blessing in disguise as they say!

A pro to keeping the baby would be my dd having a brother or sister,..shes 6 now and i did worry about the age gap! I am always broody and i think deep down i do want and would love another child,...its just my situation i guess of wanting the fairy tale happy family rather then settling for being with the father of this child just because! I guess a part of me thinks i can make it work with the dad....so i should go for it.

On the down side,...no more going out and enjoying my 'me' time. I will also have to give up my work which iv only recently started but i can always go back in to it further down the line,...

Hmmmm thankyou,...you'v def got me thinking :-)

Thanks again for replys.x

Nicolaplus1 Sat 27-Nov-10 19:56:54

What was ur gut instinct when you found out?

First instins are always sometimes the best although saying that when i found out i was pregnant about 7 yrs ago it took me weeks to make the decision!
I had beed in a stable relationship for many years to my now DH, we were financially ok had our own house etc etc but in the end we decidided the timing wasnt rite ( for many some selfish reasons )

I dont regret the decision for a second even though i went on to have a beautiful dd and am now expecting dc2 ifeel that had we continued with the pregnancy me and my husband wouldnt have coped well and would probably not be togeher now.

You dont sound selfish to me, although i think it is acceptable to be a little selfish anyway smile

I am sure you will make the right decision x

KatieScarlett2833 Sat 27-Nov-10 20:27:52

Why will you have to give up your work, pretty?

Prettyfull Sat 27-Nov-10 20:40:04

Sorry i say work,...well i am working,...but its unpaid,...i have studied and completed a course to become a volunteer support worker as i want gain as much experience as poss to work towards becoming a social worker. I dont think they will let me continue so it'l mean completing all the study again when i want to get back in to it. Infact it may be something worth finding out if i can carry on as i would like to.

And thankyou by the way Katie,..as its all got me thinking,...i know i would be fine coping if i had to go it alone,...i dont fancy doing the pregnancy and birth alone but bringing the baby up i can do im strong enough lol :-)

ItalianLady Sat 27-Nov-10 20:50:02

What does the father want to do?

KatieScarlett2833 Sat 27-Nov-10 20:51:25

As a lone parent, if you want to do an access to Social Work course you can do it and stay on benefits AS LONG AS YOU TELL YOUR LONE PARENT ADVISER before you apply. As it stands, in addition to your current benefits you will be entitled to an extra £15 per week training allowance from the Jobcentre, your full child-care costs covered either by college or Jobcentre and your travel costs paid too.

Unpaid work is also fine. smile

Prettyfull Sat 27-Nov-10 20:52:39

Hes happy, he wants to make it work with me and dd. He wants me to take a chance and be a family.....

Prettyfull Sat 27-Nov-10 20:54:50

Thankyou Katie,...i was looking in to completing Access to Social Work,...its something i really want to do.

KatieScarlett2833 Sat 27-Nov-10 20:55:56

You don't have to take the man along with the child, in fact if it hasn't happened naturally, I would advise against it.

KatieScarlett2833 Sat 27-Nov-10 20:58:57

You can do that course on NDLP. You can choose what childcare you are comfortable with: nanny? childminder? nursery? and it will be paid for. The idea is that "having children should not get in the way of your education"(fnar fnar, clearly some man's idea).

You can do it duffy bun!

1Catherine1 Sun 28-Nov-10 01:16:04

You need to talk to the baby's father. You sound like you don't want to give up this baby and in which case I really don't think you should. You need to know for sure it is what you want before you do it. You and the father need an honest discussion on what your expectations are if you keep the baby or if you don't. You say you don't really see a future with him and don't want to move further into the relationship as far as becoming a family so it is important that he sees this. He cannot make an informed decision if he hasn't all the facts. Then you being informed can make a real decision on what you want.

ChippingIn Sun 28-Nov-10 01:22:48

If you don't love him (or love him enough for him to be 'the one') then you should tell him now, don't 'give it a go' knowing in your heart that it isn't right for you.

Tell him that your relationship is over, but that you would like to co-parent this baby with him (if you do decide to keep it) and talk about how this will happen.

I think it would be a very messy mistake to go into this 'giving it a go' with him, allowing him to be more permanent in DD's life whilst knowing he isn't the one for you.

Good luck - whatever you decide to do x

ChippingIn Sun 28-Nov-10 01:25:09

Oh & I think most men are less judgemental these days about LP's with children who have different fathers.... it's not even like you have 4 under 5 all with different fathers!!

Only you can decide about a termination though.

PipPipPip Sun 28-Nov-10 11:28:03

Oh dear, what a decision.

I agree with ChippingIn. If you decide to keep the baby, it may not be wise to 'give it a go' with someone you're not too sure about. It could be better in the long run to remain living separately but keep him involved in the baby's life.

He can still be a good father without being your partner/boyfriend.

If you decide to end the pregnancy, I hope you aren't too hard on yourself and find some support here or with a councellor.

Good luck either way.

kikibo Sun 28-Nov-10 17:23:59

I would say your problem is not baby or no baby... Apart from the study bit, but if you get that sorted (seems it can be sorted), you don't want to get rid of the baby, but you just want a siblling for your girl. That's lovely. There would not be many who said 'I can bring up the child alone'. It's your own choice, but I don't think you feel that you want to. Then don't do it.

Your problem is rather that you should make a relationship with the father or not. Of course he's over the moon and of course he wants to make it work, but what are his pros and cons?
Are you afraid of starting a relationship or you just don't see him as a permanent person to be with? If the latter is the case then you can't make it work. Or it does work and after a few years you meet another and then you have to tell him... It's not fair on yourself or your daughter and the child that is coming.
There are perfect solutions for co-parenting without having to have a relationship or having to divorce... And anyway... IF something would actually go the right way, you still have oodles of time to start a relationship without having to rush into it only because there is a baby in your belly.

Just don't do like Joey and Rachel or Ross and Rachel in Friends... To take a really seedy approach blush.

Prettyfull Mon 29-Nov-10 19:21:36

Hey,...so just to update everyone...i dont have to make a decision now. Its been made for me. Its ectopic again. Well its a failing pregnancy.

I was having similar pain feelings as before and was worrying too much so i took it upon myself to go to the EPU this morning. They did an internal scan and couldnt see too much but they said a sist on my left side but thats where the egg came from and it looks ok but too early to tell anything else.

My previous ectopic was on my right side and its where im getting the odd same feelings. Anyway,....they took my bloods and HCG has gone down from 61 to 54,....the nurse said its not good news. She didnt say if it was MC or ectopic again,...and i was in shock i didnt even ask any questions. I couldnt think straight and now i regret not asking.

I want to know if this is looking like another ectopic as they only saw a sist on my LEFT side,...where as id assume,...perhaps im wrong that as it was on my right side before and where im getting pains,..it would be right again due to damaged fallopian tube????

Also,....is this pregnancy def a failing pregnancy?? Am i miscarrying or what?? No blood, only same pains which are slighty stronger. Nurse said to expect to bleed over next few days and to come in on Wed for bloods again.
Im really worried as im alone, single parent with my dd. Im dreading waking in the night with pains and having to be sent to hosp for an emergency op similar to last time....

Anyone had a similar experience or any advise please?x

hester Mon 29-Nov-10 22:54:41

Oh you poor love, you're really going through it. I'm afraid I have no experience of ectopic pregnancy.

Do you have anyone who can look after dd?

PipPipPip Tue 30-Nov-10 10:36:00

Oh hon, what a difficult time.

I have no experience of ectopic pregnancy, but it could be worth starting a new thread on the Pregnancy talkboards called "Ectopic advice please" or similar.

Good luck x

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