"Bad obstetric history" - may be distressing to some

[Jobob80]

I'm at 40+2. Like many other prospective mums I am spending a great deal of time thinking about signs of labour. This pregnancy has been very normal so far, and thankfully I don't have much need to worry unduly about labour and birth.

When and if I get to 40+4, though... Well, there's a story behind that. Two years ago, I was pregnant for the first time. I got a scan at 9 weeks and all looked normal; so when I went for the 12 week scan and they found a problem it was a real shock. After a long scan during which the sonographer called in the consultant, DH and I were ushered into a private room. The sonographer told us that she thought the baby had a form of spina bifida. I asked how severe we were talking about, how would it impact Baby's life? I'll never forget the answer -- "It's incompatible with life".

To be sure, we were invited back for a second scan a week later. I won't go into the week we suffered in between. And indeed, the diagnosis was confirmed: the baby had anencephaly, a neural-tube defect which affects the development of the skull. Babies with this complaint rarely spontaneously miscarry, generally they die either during childbirth or shortly thereafter.

So at 14 weeks gestation, on 26th November 2008, I had a medical termination. There is no doubt that this was the most terrible thing I have every had to do, and even now I remember almost every day. It was a boy; they let me hold him, and gave me a card with his tiny footprints in it to remember him by.

I'm two days from the second anniversary of that first child's loss. And my current baby is due any day. I don't know exactly how I feel about the idea that I could have my current child on that anniversary. To part of me it feels a betrayal of the child that couldn't live, as though he's somehow being replaced. Perhaps the more rational side says that whatever day my current child is born, I won't forget my first baby, even though I couldn't give him life.

But I will say I'd be very glad if my current was born on some other date...

[girlafraid]

I'm so sorry for your loss, I have no idea how you must feel by now but it must be very hard for you.
I can only wish you the very best for the birth of your baby

[welshandproud]

Such a sad story. You will never forget your DS nor love him any the less,but now is the time to think about your second baby.I can understand your mixed emotions. Fingers crossed for you that the 2 dates dont coincide.

[IckleJess]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm not sure how I would feel in your shoes but a friend of mine gave birth to a stillborn baby girl at 34 weeks and then exactly a year later their son was born. I was talking about it with her last week and she said it is a massive help to them all as there is something to throw themselves into on that day, a reason to be cheerful amongst the reflection.

Hope this helps a little and good luck for the impending birth!

[cowboylover]

I am so sorry you had this horrible experience.

I wanted to say good luck for your birth and if your baby is born on the same day it will still be special for you and dont worry you wont think any less about your DS

[Jobob80]

Thanks all.

When I first went to the doctor with this pregnancy, I told her I was worried this would happen again -- especially since I had two early losses betweentimes. She said "at least you can conceive, many couples would love to conceive so easily..." There seems to be a silence about pregnancy loss that isn't true for fertility problems.

[happycamel]

Hi, my baby is due on the date that my big brother died when he was 9 days old. I was dreading telling my mum but she's actually ok about it.

I know your situation isn't the same but I just wanted to say what you already know, that these are two separate children and one can never replace another.

I think you're right about the abortion, m/c stillbirth thing though. I don't think our parents generation help but I think it is getting easier. I miscarried my first dc at 7 weeks and mum was horrified I'd told anyone. I don't know how I'd have coped if I hadn't and therefore only had DH's support.

She won't tell anyone I'm pregnant this time and doesn't really approve of me having done so even though I'm 21 weeks! I hope its a taboo that goes away.

I admire your bravery, good luck

[smoggii]

Sending you love and hugs x

[Jobob80]

Thanks happycamel. I'd like to see more mention of pregnancy loss in general. It's so common -- if people find out you've been through it they'll always have a close female relative who's gone through it themselves. But it only makes it harder when you feel alone and as though you have to keep silence.

Sorry for your loss, LunaticFringe. My losses have all been early ones, and I can't imagine how terrible it would be to lose a child at later gestation. Frankly the idea of losing my current at any future date terrifies me more than I can say, although I don't talk about it much. Perhaps because I know how much it hurt me at 14 weeks.

[ThatllDoPig]

You will always love all your babies. What will be will be, dates wise. Sending you strength and healing, and all the luck in the world for the birth and beyond.

[GlitteryBalls]

Your post made me cry (but not distressed though, don't worry). Don't really know what to say - but I wish you all the best. x

[sh77]

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Wishing you all the very best for the birth of your child. I know how you feel. My daughter was born at term but died a day after her birth. Her brother is due to arrive a month before her 2nd birthday. I suppose I am fortunate I have a month to take in the birth of my 2nd child (all going well) before it hits me that my daughter would have been 2. But, like Lunatic, I am a basket case and even more so as the pregnancy progresses. No idea how I will cope on the day.

Lunatic - wishing you all the best in the weeks to come. Also, really struggling to tell anyone about this pregnancy.