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Wanting a tiny bit of me, DH and baby time at first

(11 Posts)
katzen Mon 15-Nov-10 11:35:37


Am I being awkward/hormonal in feeling that I want a tiny bit of space at first for me and DH and our baby when they arrive?

Im 36 weeks pregnant, 1st baby. My mum and dad are i think overexcited about things and keep saying on phone that they are coming to visit us within 3days of me giving birth. They live in Ireland and we are in midlands.

Im very close to my mum and dad but just feel that I want time for me and my husband to bond with the baby first and get used to routine... and actually recuperate after the birth before I invite people to visit.

Help! I dont want to have an argument with them as I am understanding of why they are excited, but Im worried Im being railroaded on this one.

japhrimel Mon 15-Nov-10 11:57:07

Where would they stay? I think expecting you to have overnight guests at that stage is unreasonable. If they're going to stay in a hotel and are prepared to understand that they can't spend all day, every day with you, then it might be manageable.

I'd say that you're not making any plans until baby arrives as you don't know how the labour will go or how you feel afterwards. And no overnight guests!

faverolles Mon 15-Nov-10 11:59:19

If you're close, I'm sure they wouldn't be offended if you make it clear that you'll let them know when you're ready for them to visit.

Cyclebump Mon 15-Nov-10 12:00:17

I feel the same. A couple of people seem a bit offended that I won't be ringing round when I go into labour and I certainly don't want people in the waiting room (if there is one?!),

I don't really want the stress of knowing people are 'waiting around' for me to give birth, I'll be under enough pressure! And, when the baby arrives I too want a bit of alone time for DP, me and baby.

I'm steeling myself for putting my foot down early so that people know the rules as it were.

SoLongAsItsHealthy Mon 15-Nov-10 12:06:57

Oh, it's a tricky one. On the one hand I'd say stay wrapped up in your baby bubble just the three of you for as long as possible and don't worry who you offend in the process.

On the other, I'd say that you might find you are so utterly proud and thrilled of your newborn that you actually want to show him/her off to everyone and will be a bit sad if no-one comes to visit. Could you find a cheap hotel for them to stay in for a couple of nights at the beginning then invite them to stay properly a few weeks later? We did this with my inlaws and they were fine with it. My own parents were able to stay with my sister who lives about an hour's drive away so that was ok too.

It's so natural for your parents to be excited - my mum said waiting for her grandchidren's births was exciting/nervewracking than expecting her own babies - hard for us to understand that I guess, but one day I imagine we will...

Ultimately I do think having overnight guests is to be avoided at all costs in the first fortnight at least. You will want to get into a bit of a routine and have lots of sleep and early nights. But people popping in to see the little one and make you a cup of tea will probably be more appreciated than you realise.

Sorry to waffle - I just really remember this dilemma myself!

SoLongAsItsHealthy Mon 15-Nov-10 12:10:31

Just to add re: ringing round when you go into labour - no!!!!!! If it's your first time it could be a long wait. We let our parents know once I'd be in labour for about 12 hours as we thought the birth would surely be just around the corner. It was then another 24 hours and everyone was sick with worry, especially as DH forgot to update them after that first call and turned his phone off when we went to the hospital.

Vakant Mon 15-Nov-10 12:23:43

I had a similar dilemma. My parents live up north and I am down south, and my Mum announced recently that she will be moving in with us from two weeks before my due date and then staying for two weeks after the birth! I wasn't thrilled about this prospect, much as I love her, but I could be overdue and she ends up being with us for over a month!

My mum is not one to take no for an answer but I have put my foot down and said she is not staying with us before the birth. And that once I've had the baby she is welcome to visit for a few days but will have to stay in a hotel (we live in a small two bed cottage, there really isn't the room). She seems to have accepted this (for now!). You really need to put your foot down, as gently as possible of course, and do what is best for you.

pinkpeony Mon 15-Nov-10 13:02:50

I think it really depends on what your parents are like. If they are ready to roll up their sleeves and cook, clean, and run the house for you in the early days, it might be very helpful and give you time to recover from the birth (unless your DH is very domesticated and can do it all himself). If they expect to be treated like guests and have everything done for them, I would delay their visit.

GruffalosGirl Mon 15-Nov-10 14:46:45

I think even if your parents are going to help that sometimes it's not the best idea. I know that my DH would have felt much less confident with our DS if my mum had been around all the time. If you're both really used to babies and very confident you know what your doing I think it's not so bad, but if you're not then sometimes it affects how you "perfom" at things like nappies, baths etc if you've got someone experienced watching you.

I think sometimes you need to find your own way of doing things and that is really hard with a parent constantly present. My mum was really good at not doing this so it wasn't so bad, but she still only came for an hour or so here and there until my DH went back to work and then came over longer then. That's much more helpful sometimes as you'd otherwise be on your own. Can they not just come for one night at first and then longer in a few weeks when you've all found your feet. You can sell it to her as being a great help for you.

katzen Mon 15-Nov-10 15:37:53

Thank you so much for all the advice! I'm just getting so anxious as I don't want to offend them.

GruffaloMama Mon 15-Nov-10 16:15:15

<waves at GruffalosGirl - like the name>

I had a pretty rough birth with my DS and my mum and dad came to stay for about 4 days once I got out of hospital (we live too far to commute). It was great. My mum can normally irritate the life out of me but I really appreciated the help. Like they asked us for a shopping list and went and bought food, cooked it, cleaned up after it, walked the dog, fed the cats, hoovered, and just about everything else. They took themselves off for hours during the day to give my DH, me and DS time together. I can never thank them enough for what they did. I did have a discussion with them in advance though that we might book them into the local travelodge if we needed a bit of space. They understood absolutely.

My SIL and BIL on the other hand... arrived with their two toddlers, created havoc (like toddlers do - DS is now a toddler so I appreciate it fully) and left me in floods of tears and feeling totally undermined. And normally I get on really well with them and we even go on hols together.

Don't fret about offending them - even by starting the thread you're showing you care about them. But leave yourself the flexibility to get some space if you need it.

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