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Feel "strange" about dp.

(13 Posts)
Rocklover Mon 15-Nov-10 09:36:21

This is following on from my antenatal depression thread last week. But I wanted to ask, does anyone else feel distant from their dp/dh now you're pregnant (I am 30 weeks now)?

I don't like him touching or kissing me and I get annoyed when he (constantly) touches my tummy and tries to feel the baby. Surely this is a good thing and I should be happy about it? I just don't want to be affectionate with him at all and I am pretty sure he has noticed.

I am really not sure whether this is just pregnancy hormones, or that there is really a problem with the way I feel about him. I think it is all tied into the fact that I am very unhappy where I live with him, having moved almost 200 miles away from my family. I feel isolated here and miss them very much and just want to move back to my home town. Plus we were only together just over a year when I got pregnant, which believe it or not, was something we wanted (bloody stupidity in hindsight).

I don't want to talk to dp about this because he would be devastated if he knew how awful I feel.

I still have almost constant nausea which I am now 100% sure is being caused by my extremely high anxiety levels and it is making life unbearable as I am always on the verge of panic.

I am so worried that this relationship is not going to last, I am already divorced with a dd from that marriage. I don't want to be a single mum of two kids with different dads. How on earth do I work through this in my mind so that I understand what I am feeling?

thefurryone Mon 15-Nov-10 09:57:13

How was your relationship before you got pregnant?

I've been with my DH 8 years and there have been times during this pregnancy where I really just can't stand him being near me. This isn't always the case, so I think much of it is to do with hormones, but also I do wonder if it's because my personal space boundaries have changed in that I'm sharing my body so need to have more space around me if that makes sense.

I would also add that I have suffered from depression when I am not pregnant and that has also affected the physical relationship with him. This was also linked to moving to his home town which is also far from home for me.

So all in all I think it's not surprising that you feel the way that you do. I would say though that you need to talk to your DP about how your feeling. He will know that you are avoiding physical contact so it is important to maintain open communication for the sake of your relationship. It will also help your anxiety if you are sharing how you feel with someone. Perhaps it would help you to write down what you want to say to him before taking some time to have a chat.

Rocklover Mon 15-Nov-10 10:15:55

Thank you furry, it is so reassuring that someone has experienced the same sort of feelings as I am.

Before the pregnancy our relationship was very intense, lots of affection (from us both) and very good love life. However, I have had very bad pregnancy nausea from before I got a bfp and this has caused me to feel very down as I struggle most days.

Because of this my anxiety levels have shot up (I have suffered from severe anxiety in the recent past), also because I am ill, the distance from my family has really kicked in. I miss them desperately and this makes me so miserable, I just want to be near them again (even though it was my decision to relocate with my dd).

Also as a side issue, dp cannot drive (and will never learn as he has a bit of a fear about it), which didn't used to bother me at all, as I have a car. But now I am feeling ill alot I could really do with help sometimes with shopping, ferrying dd etc, but he cannot do this. I know it's going to be doubly hard when this baby comes and I will have even more responsibilty on me to get the kids from a-b (including the 200 mile drive to my parents). I am starting to resent the fact that he cannot help me in this way (which I know is my problem, not his).

I just feel like maybe I didn't think through the practicalities of this move and becoming pregnant, I just focussed on the intensity of the relationship. Now I am seeing in black and white, how difficult things are, especially without my family around to help.

Rocklover Mon 15-Nov-10 10:48:22

And now my parents have just left after visiting for the weekend and I am bawling my eyes out. I feel like I'm all alone.

pinkyp Mon 15-Nov-10 10:53:47

Your not alone, there only a drive and a phone call away.Maybe your feeling distant from your dp because you feel resentful for relocating so far away,is there anyway you could move a little closer to themor stay with then for a while?

Mahraih Mon 15-Nov-10 10:53:57

I know exactly what you're going through!

I adore DP but sometimes when I'm feeling really 'pregnant' (if that makes sense - kind of sick and prickly), I have him even touching me. And the love life has really slipped by the wayside.

Especially if you have nausea, please don't beat yourself up about it. Pregnancy is an odd time generally - illness and anxiety do not a great love life make!

Is there any chance you could go and visit your family at all, maybe for a week or so?

thefurryone Mon 15-Nov-10 10:56:14

Change is always difficult and moving and having a baby are too massive changes to have to deal with especially at the same time.

Even though your DP can't drive there may still be things that he can do to help, perhaps he could take responsibility for doing the food shopping on-line for example? Also is there some ferrying of DD that is in walking distance? It might take him a bit longer than it would you but that would just give you more time to yourself to relax. Also see if your family could come to you as the new baby's arrival comes closer. I know not all men are the same but I do know that my husband often won't see that there is a problem if I don't tell him, so if you just carry on doing everything he'll probably think that you don't want help.

It's very easy to feel isolated, I thought everything was fine here until my midwife asked if I had family to support me and when I replied that I had my husband's she looked at me like I was a bit mad and wrote that I didn't have any in my notes which I found surprisingly upsetting. Sometimes you just need to make an effort to find new people to talk to, have you been to any ante-natal groups? It might be worth it just to find some real life people in the same situation. It is hard though my ms has pretty much gone now but I really didn't want to talk to anyone for about three months.

autumnberry Mon 15-Nov-10 11:00:43

Hi Rocklover. I just wanted to send you my support. I can empathise with you feeling the distance from your family. I have had periods during my pregnancy where I have felt a bit distanced from my DP. I am not sure whether this was due to hormones or unresolved issues between us. I didn't reveal to him the extent of my feeling, but we did have a couple of chats about a few things that were worrying me, and now I feel lot better and more connected to him. Communicating with each other, as well as accepting that the baby will arrive soon (buying a few things for baby etc) has really helped. It also helped to let go of fixed ideas/stories about how I thought our relationship should be.
Doing something active, such as going for a walk can help to process the adrenalin through your system to help with your anxiety levels.
Sending you best wishes.

Rocklover Mon 15-Nov-10 11:07:35

I have just visited them a few weeks ago over the half term, but I really struggled with the drive to get there and back because of feeling ill. I cannot visit again because of dd being at school, hence why they came down for a long weekend, they rented a cottage nearby.

I am really hoping I will feel differently after the baby is born as there is no way dp and I can move any closer to my family. I honestly thought it would be better for dd and I to relocate to his hometown as he has lived here all his life and has a big network of friends (as well as his family) here. I have lived long distances from my family before, so I thought I would find it easier to adapt than dp.

Also, before the move I was living with my parents due to being broke after my divorce and things were a little difficult in the household, so I was desperate to move out. In retrospect, I wish I had moved out and got a house locally which would have given us space, but also meant we were still close.

I have totally underestimated how much my family mean to me. Although I genuinely did fall head over heels in love with dp and want to have a baby with him, I think that the relocation has overshadowed how I feel about him.

Rocklover Mon 15-Nov-10 11:20:23

Sorry, missed those last few replies. Thanks for taking the time to answer my post.

I haven't felt like going to any antenatal groups because of the nausea and also, where I live (although a small town) is fairly rural and often you need to drive to neighbouring towns to find any groups. For example, my nearest aquantal class (which I really wanted to do) is in a town around 12 miles away, I just don't want to drive that far for an hour's class).

I think that I really do need to talk to my dp about this, just not sure how. We don't spend a huge amount of quality time together as he has taken to playing his computer games quite alot at the moment and he is not an overly chatty person.

Although we can talk as a couple, he is not always interested in just having a general conversation, which as a bit of a talker, I miss. He sort of just lets me talk at him and listens politely, then goes back to whatever he is doing.

He is 32 and I am 36, he has never lived with anyone before me and was totally sworn off marriage before he met me and I think he is still living a little like he did when he was single.

Also, even though he is generally very good with my dd (not his), he does get annoyed with her very quickly at times (at nearly 6 she can be a pain, but that is normal for a child) and sometimes I don't like the way he speaks to her.

I suppose looking at things in detail, there are actually some issues that need resolving with us. confused

angels1 Mon 15-Nov-10 12:52:40

waves to rocklover.

My DH has taken to playing alot of computer games too!

Just wanted to say quikcly ( as I'm off to tesco in a min) that I feel similarly too. I read in my miriam stoppard pg book that it's common to feel different about DP and to make unreasonable expectations of him during pg - it's part hormones and part anxiety about how you're going to have a child with this person and want to make sure they are right (if that makes sense). I think DH has been generally more miserable since me gettin pg, despite trying not to show it, mainly as I can't always do the things I used to like cleaning/cooking so he gets lumbered with it after a long day at work.

I also started feeling last week a real resentment towards the baby (feel terrible at this). As it kicked I got upset and annoyed at her for making me feel so ill for so long. I put a post on here about it as I was so worried about my feelings but was reasurred that this was normal too.

I think the fact we've felt rough for so long is going to take its toll on us and those that live with us. It's hard when DP isn't a talker/chats easily (mine is the same - and doesn't seem to underdstand that often he is the only person I see and talk to all day so want to have a proper chat IYKWIM).

Must dash, just wanted to answer quickly.

Rocklover Mon 15-Nov-10 14:16:24

Thanks angels, hope you're having a good day.

diyqueen Mon 15-Nov-10 18:48:57

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time of it, and suffering with anxiety - I know it's awful. It sounds from what you have said as though your DP may also be finding things difficult but struggling to talk about it (hence the retreat into computer games). His trying to feel the baby move etc. may be his way of trying to show support and that he cares. Sounds like you've both had big changes to cope with (and he may be aware that it's hard for you to be so far from your family and even feeling guilty about it) - please be kind to each other and try to talk about how you are both feeling. Feeling depressed can make us retreat into ourselves and build a protective wall around ourselves, which is really hard for those close to us to deal with as they don't know what to do or say to make things better. It's hard when you're feeling worn down, anxious and neglected, but is there anything fun you could all do as a family, even if it's just to take your daughter to the park, or go out somewhere for a walk? Men often seem find it easier to talk when they're doing something else at the same time, as it takes some of the pressure off.

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