is it just hormones, or do i have a point here?

[Lauz87]

Hi all,

Having a bit of a blub, and feel silly, so would like some advice from people in the same boat!

I'm due in 2 weeks, and am having my DH and mum as birthing partners. I don't feel that i want anyone else appearing until i know baby is ok, and i am in pj's not covered in my insides. It seems to me that i'm justified in not wanting visitors until i'm on the ward.

DH however, thinks this is strange, and thinks that having people waiting outside (potentially for a very long time, it's my first birth) is the way it should be, and that birth is a family event.

He's said he will support my decision, but can't see in any way where i'm coming from, and that if he 'is ill' he doesn't mind people being around. He isn't close to my MIL, so i'm finding it really difficult to understand why he needs to make the point that he thinks my decision is strange.

we've just had a fairly big row about it, and i'm feeling really worried that if MIL does turn up, he won't stay strong about my decision.

Sorry for longlonglong post, but i'm a hormonal, fat, stretchmarky mess and i'm venting.

[WidowWadman]

Who on earth is waiting outside other than people in 'Friends' episodes.

I doubt that any other visitors would be allowed until your on the ward anyway. You're definitely not unreasonable.

[Nagoo]

TELL HIM TO PISS OFF.

When it's him whose in hospital, he can decide. But it's not. It's you.

You can tell the midwives not to let anyone else in.

Put it in your birth plan. And instruct your mum.

There is nowhere for people to wait. And I myself would have no desire to sit in a corridor waiting for my friend/ relation to give birth.

[itisntreallyme]

You absolutely have a point! I would have been furious if DH had let anyone stand outside waiting for news and, god forbid, hearing all my screaming and shouting and throwing up and demands for drugs . Having a baby is NOTHING like being ill and is an enormous emotional difficult life changing event. You decide when you are ready for visitors and you tell him that is how it's going to be.

[RobynLou]

I can't imagine any hospital allowing visitors into the delivery suite - when I had DD I was only allowed 2 people at a time on the ward between certain hours.

I'd give the hospital a ring and see what their visiting policy is, then tell DH he's bonkers!

[Mmmaa]

What WidowWadman says is true, if everybody had their whole families there the waiting room would be rammed.

I know someone who's siter went into labour, so the whole family went up during the saturday, then ended up leaving after about 8 hours because the baby still hadn't arrived.

It's your labour, you can decide when you want people around you. Is there anyway you can get in touch with his MIL and tell her you will get in touch and let her know when is the time for her to visit?

[grumpydopeysleepy]

YANBU at all.

I've had people I'm not at all close to asking to be informed when I go into labour, and can't understand when I tell them they'll know when there's a baby to tell them about not before. Will be the same for close family too.

[pozzled]

You have a very important point. Giving birth is not 'being ill'. It is incredibly personal, painful and extremely knackering and the very last thing you will want is people waiting outside. Does your DH mind if you wander into the bathroom while he is having a shit? How would he like it if he was constipated and your mother came to stand outside the bathroom door to offer encouragement? Sorry for the crudeness but that is what it is like!

Also, you will need both your Mum and DH to be there for you, they will not have time to keep popping out to update any other relatives- if anyone did come to the hospital they would get very very bored sat in a waiting room.

Wait until you have a good few responses and then show this thread to your DH, he will find that your decision is in no way strange, it is the most normal thing in the world.

When my DD was born I had DH with me. I saw my mum for a little while a couple of hours later, and then in the evening she gave us a lift home from the hospital. I didn't see anyone else until the second or third day, and it was lovely to have time with just the three of us.

[Lauz87]

Thank you lovlies, i'm feeling much better already :) I wish i'd found this website months ago!
mmmaa i've told her point blank before that i don't want people there, but she just smiles and says 'i'll change my mind when i'm there.' NO i bloody well won't :/ She has a tendancy to be a bit drama queen-y, and i feel like she only wants to be there for the story to tell her friends anyway.
pozzled i made almost that exact argument to him, except used a vasectomy as an example, and he just said it was not the same thing.

I don't know why it's so important to me that he understands where i'm coming from, but i just feel abit let down that we're not on the same page.

[spidookly]

A birth is not a family event.

The only people who have to be there are the mother and her baby (or babies).

Everyone else is only there to help the mother, and her decision in all things should be final.

Your husband is being a dick to upset you over this.

He gets no say. His opinion is irrelevant.

Tell him you won't let him in either if he doesn't stop banging on about stupid bullshit he saw in a film and start supporting you when you are vulnerable.

[FourEyesGood]

What kind of weirdo family members want to hear you grunting/howling your way through labour and then see you covered in blood and bits? As WidowWadman pointed out, real childbirth is not like an episode of 'Friends'! You won't just be a bit sweaty; you'll probably look shit (sorry! But you'll be really relieved and it's all worth it). Definitely wait until you're all cleaned up, well rested and in some nice pyjamas before you have any visitors.

[Mmmaa]

Well then tell her that if you change your mind she'll be the first to know, in the meantime, no visitors!

[Lauz87]

I'm so glad i'm not just a reclusive nutter :) To be fair to him, he's not trying to change my mind, but i just find the whole faux shock thing very upsetting.
Thanks again for all being so straight about this, sending internet chocolate! :)

[Pootletrinket]

No, vasectomy is not the same thing at all - it's far more minor!!!!!

You and only you get to say who is where during your birth and I'm fairly sure they wouldn't allow you to have loads of visitors lolling about in the waiting room (and I was in for 48 hours before DD put in an appearance - are they really that committed?!)!

Good luck, stay strong!

[sarahscot]

When I had DS my parents and sister managed to sneak into the labour ward to visit us just 15 minutes after he was born. I didn't mind as it was MY parents and MY sister and we're very close. However, I was naked apart from a blood splattered sheet and looked horrendous. I hadn't even been stitched yet! I would rather have pulled my own toenails out that have my in-laws anywhere near me when I was in that state.

Also, there is is strict ban on visitors in the labour wards. I was allowed 2 birthing partners only. The doors to the ward was on security locks, my crazy family only got in because my dad caught the door after a doctor went through, waited until the coast was clear and sneaked through. My mum knew what roon I was in as she'd been my birthing partner in early labour.

[Lauz87]

i've just got a text message apologising, which is very unusual for DH! Maybe he found this thread... :)
I'll be remembering all of these comments though, just in case it does come up again!

[Watersign76]

I agree with everyone on here.

You could be in there for days...(hopefully not for your sake, but there can be complications)

...If you don't want to lay down the law, maybe try to position it that actually them arriving once he/she has arrived would be more comfortable for them. Hospitals aren't very comfortable, our local one has a tiny waiting area. Plus there is the carpark meter that needs feeding constantly.

I personally found that my mum arriving later meant my husband could go home for a rest. Although I am guessing you don't want them there without him.

Also, she won't turn up at the hospital if she doesn't know you are in labour...

Hope your DH agress to support you.

Good luck.

[Watersign76]

Sorry should just say I meant my husband went home after my DS was born, not before! My mum arrived at 7am, DS was born at 9am. That was a compromise that meant my husband didn't feel pushed out, plus could leave me once DS was born. Mum appreciated not being woken up in the middle of the night too.

[grumpydopeysleepy]

If there's one time in your life you're allowed to stamp your feet and throw a tantrum, its now.

[Sparklies]

I agree with everyone else, to put it mildly!

What stuns me though are some American births. On US forums I regularly see people asking if it's unreasonable to not want their FIL there, actually watching. They say their DH feels it's only fair because the mother already has their mother, two sisters and brothers, their dad, a few friends and probably the family dog so why not MIL and FIL? My jaw drops every time. It does seem that in the US birth is sometimes inexplicably a family thing. WHY?!! I couldn't think of anything worse - I didn't even really want DH there! Let alone feeling like you're on the clock for some bored people outside pacing a corridor.

It's most definitely not the norm here in the UK in case you were in any doubts!!

[Lauz87]

sparklies you've hit the nail on the head i think, it's the 'only fair' attitude that is so strange. If we're going out to dinner and i invite my mum, then yes, it's only fair his mum receives an invitation. But hours of me trying to push a small person out of myself like some demented russian doll?! Spectator sport it aint...

[ClimberChick]

Your mum is not there to witness her grandchild being born, she is there to support you through one of the hardest things you'll ever do. So you can't compare them both being there in the first place.

[Muser]

I don't understand why anyone would want to go and wait around either. What if you're one of those people who is in labour for days? Or have to have an emergency cs? Or major stitching? Or massive blood loss?

Do the people who want to come think birth is like on the telly, a bit shouty for 5 minutes and then all over? Idiots.

Personally, nobody is even going to be told I'm in labour. They'll all get a phonecall once the baby has arrived, we're both ok, and have had a bath. Thank god my relatives all live far away.

[Deliaskis]

Eeek I can't think of anything worse!

My parents and PIL will be getting a phone call to say I am in hospital, when I am (but it will be at a sociable hour, as in if I go in at 3am DH will probably call them at 8am or whatever, or whenever he is not required by me!), and then another one when I am ready to receive visitors (which will be after being cleaned up, baby having all checks etc. and probably after first feeding attempt). That's it. And I am very close to my parents, love them to bits, see them several times a week, share lots with them etc, but I don't want them all pacing around outside, it's ridiculous (plus impractical, as people say, parking meter, nowhere comfy to sit for long periods of time etc.).

Sorry, but I think labour is one of the times when anybody else's wishes, to be honest, just don't count.

D

[slimyak]

I just write an overly explicit post about what corridor visitors plan to see and hear and then thought better and deleted it. The jist was basically no to labour ward visitors!!! Does your hospital allow this anyway? They'd have to wait in the car park.

I went into hospital at 3am, DD born at 11am and after checks, bath for me, food for all of us, DH phoned round to let people know at about 1pm and people came for ward visiting at 2pm.

At our hospital only your partner and the babies siblings are allowed in at any time other than during ward visiting times. So if you had your baby at 6 in the morning then no-one appart from you partner and existing children would be allowed to see them till formal visiting time.

Giving birth is hard physically, mentally and emotionally and very messy too. You need a bit of time to get yourself together to face the world with your newbie and at the time your DH may feel that way too.
Good luck, hope it all goes well

[Kitty81]

Oh dear me. Sometimes the boys really don't get it, do they? Your dh does sound a bit like he's seen some births in films and is expecting you to be a bit sweaty and shouty, but essentially perfectly presentable, and so can't see the problem. Have you tried watching some films of actual childbirth with him? I got dh to watch a couple of episodes of One Born Every Minute with me on the channel 4 website, so he would know what to expect; that it might take days, that it will be fairly gory, that I might well be half out of it and totally irrational, screaming for drugs and throwing up and most importantly what his job is. It's helped no end, although he was overly fascinated with the idea that I might do a poo on the bed . Maybe get him to watch some with you and he will also be able to see that there really is no place for more than 2 birthing partners.

Hope it helps! Maybe he just doesn't understand fully in his head that you won't look like Jennifer Aniston afterwards, because he has no other frame of reference? Men are very visual creatures; try putting a new image in his head?