How to make husband supportive...

[mschillpill]

...short of whacking him on the head into submission?

Hello,

I'm a newbie here. I'm now 9 weeks pregnant with our first baby. I've had two missed abortions in the past (supposedly just bad luck according a series of tests that were run) Therefore am super scared given that my early pregnancy scan is next week. And oh! I think the point of this post is to vent... or some such. Any kind words welcome :)

I guess I'm weepy and am in constant need of some reassurance and TLC, which husband claims is tired of giving!! But I wonder who else I could turn to, considering we don't plan to announce our news until we are sure things are reasonably stable with this preg.

At this point, I am (and if I weren't in a mean mood with the DH, I'd say we are) desperate for this baby. And I terribly need a supportive partner... Though DH tries to be supportive, he is so only one out of perhaps twenty times. I don't even go to him everytime I feel worried. Reading about the various diagnostic tests regarding all that could be wrong with the baby is really worrisome. And I can't share it with DH, as he only makes me feel like a freak for "over reacting"

DH refuses to read books/ articles on pregnancy stating there is no need as it only seems to freak me out or make me cry. So, as a result, I am questioning his commitment to this child - though haven't asked him in so many words.

It just feels so wrong that I feel so lonely at a time when I always assumed I'd be happy... Or should I just go behind his back and tell my sweet mum and a couple of friends so they are around to give me some support?!

xx

[japhrimel]

I'd talk to him and say that you need to be able to discuss your concerns (very normal in a post-miscarriage pregnancy IME) with someone, so in the circs, will need to tell your Mum at least.

We told close family early on, on the basis of "don't tell anyone!" and only let others know after the scans.

[mschillpill]

Thanks for your suggestion, japhrimel. :) Now, should wait for a time when I'm not weepy and irrational and evil to start this discussion.

[Liv77]

I would definately tell your mum if you have a good relationship with her. I told mine as soon as I'd taken the test and also told a good friend at work and she was lovely, always looking out for me and checking I was OK.
I hope the talk with your DH goes well, it can be difficult, my DH was a nervous wreck until i'd had my first scan as his BFF has a long history of miscarriage and he didn't really know any other way. He also didn't seem to take much interest in reading the books etc, but once we got to AN classes and the baby was more of a reality he changed and is now a doting dad with our 2nd on the way.

[Sparklies]

My husband is always the same. I'm on my fifth pregnancy now (I have two living children, and two first trimester losses) and he just has no interest. It really hurt at first, but now I am used to it and just go elsewhere for support. My mum is pretty crap "oh, it might not work out, don't get your hopes up" (thanks, mum!) so I usually end up getting support online. That doesn't mean I'm not jealous of those women who have supportive husbands of course, but it is what it is.

I had a loss before my first successful pregnancy and I admit I was very worried that my husband was not committed to being a father, especially with some of the stuff he was saying about his life being ruined. But you know what? The moment she was born, it was like a switch was flipped and he couldn't take his eyes off her. He adores both our children even if he couldn't currently give a damn about number 3 (nearly nine weeks pregnant) and he is a great father. Despite his clear indifference during pregnancy he seems quite happy for me to keep on having more after all!

I think it's just that some men are incapable of attaching themselves emotionally to something they can't actually see or experience. I've heard so many women with similar stories so you are not alone, and I am sure he will come round when the baby is born :) Best of luck with the scan!

[mschillpill]

Thanks Liv. You do give me hope that DH will turn around at least when the baby is born. Mum thankfully is a pillar of support in my life. But if I were to tell her, DH would insist on telling his mum and that would be disastrous for me.

Sparklies, thanks for your reassurance. I already find quite a lot of solace and hope from you guys. I think I'll follow your route of getting support online too.

Good luck with your pregnancies too, girls :) You folks rock!

[Deliaskis]

mschillpill I don't totally subscribe to the 'don't tell anyone at all until 12 weeks' thing, because I know if I had mc'd I would have needed the support of some of the people around me, and it's good and useful to have people looking out for you.

So we told our parents almost as soon as we knew, and I told one person at work and one other close friend, and it turned out I really appreciated their support during those early weeks, and if it had all gone wrong at the point, I would have needed their support even more.

So I would be in favour of telling your Mum, but it's tricky to know what to do about the MIL if you feel telling her would be a problem, as on the face of it, they should be treated 'fairly', but actually in a lot of ways that's cr@p as what is important right now is that you get the support you need to make sure you can get through this time with as little stress and worry as possible, and telling someone who is going to add to the stress can be counter-productive. Maybe you need to approach the discussion (with your DH) on the basis of the reason you need to tell someone (like your Mum), rather than just wanting to break the news, in which case Mum and MIL are 'equal'.

FWIW I do just think that on the whole women live and breathe every second of pregnancy (obviously, we have no choice) whereas men just get to see and feel parts of it. Although a lot of the worry can be just down to hormones, it's bound to feel more crucial to us and I think it's when the baby becomes a reality (rather than a plan) that Dads start to live it just as much as we do.

I would try and talk to your DH about how it makes you feel when he says he is 'tired of' giving the support and TLC. Really, he has the easy part and it should be the least he could do.

D

[sarahbuff]

mschillpill So sorry you're having a hard time right now, I can only imagine how tough it is waiting for the first scan and hoping everything is ok. Just want to say that maybe your DH is also really worried/desperate for this child, but because he is a man and men handle emotional things in ways we women rarely comprehend, he may by keeping it to himself, and perhaps he is finding it hard to reassure/support you if he is feeling worried himself. Could be the reason he told you to not bother reading articles and books on pregnancy? I think there is some wisdom in just waiting and not doing too much reading, because no amount of information is going to be helpful to you at this point if you haven't had a scan yet, and might just make you even more apprehensive. I would agree with other posters that it might be really helpful if you tell someone close to you like your Mum or a very good friend, just to have some support not just now but also if things do go wrong again, as otherwise you'd have double explaining to do to friends/family, or have to keep it to yourself which is much harder IMO. Hope everything is well with you and baby and you feel better soon!

[daisystone]

I would say tell your Mum. I told my Mum at 5 weeks. She would have found out anyway as I had crippling morning sickness. Men cannot understand what you are going through and all of the emotions you are feeling and if your Mum is the supportive type then tell her!

I also don't think that you have to keep everything quiet until the first scan. I mean, I wouldn't tell all and sundry but I wanted my close family to know.

[mschillpill]

Thanks D, Sarah and Daisy.

I understand what you are saying about the men's PoV. So true that we live and breathe every second of the pregnancy while it is rather abstract for them.

I had a chat with the DH and he has promised to be ultra patient and supportive. He was quite upset that I was so affected by his behaviour. Yesterday was nice and peaceful. Am hoping this continues.

D, I told the family and a close circle as soon as we knew the last two times I got preg. When I miscarried both times, nearly everyone was extremely supportive. However, the second time around MIL was super insensitive and brash - rather loudly wondering what was wrong with me; she has 5 children and not once did she miscarry! And this was while we were announcing the sad news! So, this time, it is all under wraps.

Thanks a ton for your support again, girls :)

[SolidGoldBrass]

If your H is nice in other ways and always has been, then I think to an extent h's not being deliberately hurtful here, he's just worried and turning it in on himself. MCs are hard on men, too (if they are decent men) but they often feel they can't say so. Also, people do deal with grief and worry in different ways, some want to talk about it, others would rather avoid the subject and process it themselves - neither way is wrong.
I would second telling your mum if she is good at supporting you.
Best of luck with your PG.

[zahara1]

I agree with Sarahbuff above. Men have a very different way of handling stress and I think it is fair to say that, generally speaking, their level of patience, is far higher than ours.

I bought loads of books right at the beginning and had read all before my 12 week scan and hubby didn't open one page. I am now 31 weeks and he is now getting a lot more involved. I can see him read lots of stuff on the internet when no one else is looking. I don't know why he feels so secretive about it but I figured it doesn't matter, as long as he is happy.

He has been very supportive but in his own way and sometimes it didn't suit me. I think we have to remember that men and women handle emotions in a very different manner.

If I were you, I would tell your mum and not mention it to anyone else. don't even tell your husband about this. He doesn't need to know and this is for an emotional support that only her can give you properly.

I know I told my mum from day one when I found out and no one else knew for ages.

Congratulations on your pg and I'll keep all my fingers crossed for you!

[Bobby99]

I think it's just hard for men to relate to the experience of being pregnant. It must be difficult for them when they can't see or feel anything different from normal. And men are so different from us, they don't seem to be able to talk about such upsetting things as MCs. Once you've been for scans and he can feel your baby moving with his hand on your tummy it will change I expect. Don't forget that you have hormones whizzing around which will make you feel worse. He can't possibly understand that.

My DH wasn't really that keen on having a baby and I felt lonely during pregnancy. He didn't read anything to do with pregnancy as far as I know. But I suspect he did when I wasn't around. Yours might be doing that too. But now he is devoted to our DD (9mo) and she adores him. I'd confide in someone you can really trust if I were you. Things are always worse when you have no outlet for your worries.

Hope all goes well!