Early scans/difference experience to partner and step-kids all in one question! LONG!

[lucielooo]

Not even sure anyone can help with any of this and there are lots of things jumbled in together but other people's opinions often help me get things straight in my head..

I'm 8+5 and am generally constantly worrying about things being wrong. I've had very intermittent symptoms which seems to go about a week ago but then I've been ill with terrible diarrhea since Sunday (finally getting a bit better) and I can't tell what's illness and what's pregnancy symptoms. I've also read that diarrhea can cause miscarriage so basically I just spend my whole time checking in the toilet to see whether I am bleeding and panicking that something is wrong.

DP is really excited about me being pregnant and keeps smiling and rubbing my tummy and this makes me want to just move away and I keep saying that I don't feel like that, we don't even know there's anything in there.. and then I feel horrible for being a spoilsport. He went through a miscarriage with his wife about 18 years ago and I know what a devastating effect that had on him so I feel horrible being so negative all the time but I think he's being overly optimistic and he thinks I am just worrying about nothing and basically we're in very different places!

Anyway, as a result I'd like to have an early scan, and he has agreed this is a good idea 'even though there's nothing wrong, to stop me worrying'. I know he means to be helpful saying this, and he's being positive but it just makes me feel worse.

So we've agreed that's what we're going to do and now we're deciding when. He thinks this weekend is a good idea but we have his two step boys at weekends and I can't bear the thought of finding out bad news while they are here as I think it will make it harder. They don't know that I'm pregnant yet and I don't want to tell them till 12 weeks incase anything goes wrong. DP says that I am under-estimating them and if we get bad news then we just explain the situation to them. I hate this idea, and hate the idea of them being around when trying to deal with that. DP is also getting frustrated at not telling them but I really don't want to yet.
I could go in work time but I've just been off on holiday and was meant to be back today but am sick due to tummy bug.

Can anyone help me unravel the cotton-wool here?!

[lucielooo]

And my title makes no sense.. duh!

[Elsa123]

I understand your concern- I don't know how old your step children are and if they're old enough, they may understand- but if it has all gone Pete Tong, the last thing you'll want around are visitors. In any event, it may be easier to get a scan done during the week. A viability scan is rare on the NHS so you'd end up going private. I recommend the Fetal Medicine Clinic in London. I do think you'd be having to have a fair wind behind you to get an appointment now for just a couple of days away unless you have an emergency anyway.

So- in a nutshell if I were you I'd keep it between you and DH for now.

On the issue of your symptoms. I had none on my first pregnancy after 6 weeks and I found out 4 weeks later it was a mmc and i was gutted. For this pregnancy, I had hardly any symptoms either and they came and went and I'm now 33+6 . Every pregnancy is different and many women sail through the first trimester. I didn't even feel tired. Also, for all the symptoms you read about, you're guaranteed to have one not listed! The biggest symptom is worry. Where did you go on holiday? Perhaps thats linked to your tummy bug? Also, yes bugs can be an issue, but most of the time they're not. Drink plenty of water and try to relax. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

[lucielooo]

Hi Elsa, thanks for your reply

Stepsons are 14 and 12 - too young I think to be disrupted if it's not necessary, and being selfish I don't want to worry about what they are thinking unless it's good. I've looked at the local Babybond and they seem to have quite a few appointments, i.e. Friday morning, saturday or sunday. It's complicated by the fact that one of my colleagues is off next week so it would be better if I don't have time off then, so it's kind of Friday, this weekend or wait another 10 days..

Went to Center Parcs in Holland for holiday.. can't think of anything specifically that would have caused it but I understand that you're more vulnerable to these things when you're pregnant.

Congratulations on 33+6 :)

[buttercup123]

I totally understand your reticence with the pre-12 week thing. I am almost at 12 weeks (Friday, which is coincidentally the day of my scan) and I feel like I'm almost holding my breath until then. We haven't told anyone at all - I have been surprised by how anxious and private I feel about it all. I know I would tell close family and friends if I had a miscarriage - but I can't bear the idea of telling people I'm pregnant and THEN having to say I've had a miscarriage. So I guess I'm saying I understand why you don't like the belly-rubbing - I too am being so careful not to get attached / excited until I'm over the 12 week mark.

Re the step children - I'm in the same boat. We are looking to tell my DP's kids about the pregnancy this weekend (all going well with the scan). It is going to be hard enough dealing with all their emotions and questions about the pregnancy - I don't think you can deal with that, and a scan, all in one weekend. And even if you don't have the scan, you have to give yourself time to adjust before you should be dealing with anyone else's expectations or concerns.

I know as a step-mum you're not allowed to put yourself first, but in this instance it's just being practical. You want their first experience of your pregnancy to be as positive as possible - and so you need to wait until the time is right (for all of you) and you can all be excited together.

Sorry, didn't mean to be so "advice-y". I really hope everything goes well.

[EMS23]

lucieloo - I share and understand your concerns. I'm 28 weeks pregnant now with my first child and have a six year old stepson.

I have had diarrhea a lot through this pregnancy and it has worried me whenever it's happened as it is so opposite to all you hear about constipation being the typical pregnancy symptom. My midwife has never been concerned about it and as long as I didn't have any other food poisoning or illness symptoms then it was nothing to worry about.

I too spent the first 16 weeks of my pregnancy in the toilet checking for blood. I couldn't even relax after my 12 week scan and only believed I was pregnant when I had to have an amnio at 17 weeks. Seeing the baby on the screen at that scan, plus being told what sex it was made it very real in my head.

My husband was itching to tell his son early on, I wasn't so keen, just in case. In the end it was my stepsons mum who made the decision for us when she asked my husband not to, until the 12 week mark had passed. Kids are resilient etc.. but why put them through it if they didn't need to know.

Also, if you can I would put off the scan until a time when they're not there. My stepson is wonderful, I love him dearly but during my amnio week, having him around would've been no good for him or me. I needed my space to process what was happening and be able to burst into tears every five minutes without having to hide it.
You need the same space and time to process stuff. Obviously it will probably be great news but just in case, and I'm not saying that because I think it will be bad, but if it doesn't go to plan, you will need your own space to process it.
I know that means waiting over a week till you could next go so I guess it's a question of weighing up which would be more stressful for you, waiting the 10 days or having a houseful if you actually need a bit of space and peace.

Whatever you decide, best of luck
xxx

[japhrimel]

Totally get it. This time round (it's my 3rd pregnancy, but the only one to get past 7 weeks) I didn't get excited at all until after 2 good scans and I freaked out if anyone else got excited about it. DH now admits that he basically hid his excitement for the whole 1st trimester so as not to stress me out.

How does your DH suggest dealing with having the kids there when you go for the scan? Taking them with you (even if they wait outside) isn't an option IMO - could/would you leave them for a morning? If not then having the scan when you two are looking after the kids isn't a great option IMO.

I'd suggest having a scan on Friday is the best option. Hopefully you'll then have good news to tell the step-kids and can start to relax this weekend.

[thefatladyscreams]

lucielooo

Your message makes sense to me. I'd have been really uncomfortable telling my stepchildren that I'm pregnant until after the 12 week scan. IF (and it's a big if) something does go wrong, we all need the space to deal with that in our respective ways and your partner will have limited your choices on that by involving the children so early.

I had dreadful diarrhea during my first trimester - in my case I seemed to have developed a milk intolerance.

I suspect you'll probably have to go private if you want an early scan - so why not investigate what slots are available at non-stepchildren times.

I'm 36 weeks now and had very patchy symptoms at 8 weeks. I've come to the conclusion that worrying is probably the most common pregnancy symptom out!

[lucielooo]

buttercup Thank you for what you say :) I think it's definitely a no-no for this weekend while they are here.

Best of luck with telling your stepkids - how old are they? A good friend of mine is in similar situation to me, they told her husbands son a few weeks ago and he was really pleased for them. Best of luck for both the scan and telling the the SK's :) Bet you will feel relieved when they are both over!

EMS23 I think you're right. I understand that DP is excited to tell them but I'm not 100% sure how they'd react. I also think if anything is wrong DP is underestimating how he is going to feel.. (though maybe it's me underestimating him to be fair) All things considered, I think the wait/time off work has to be better than doing it at the wrong time.

japhrimel
DP thinks we can pop out for half an hour or so and leave boys at home but not keen on this. It very rarely happens that they're on their own in the house and will raise far too many questions about where we're going/what we're doing. TBH I think DP only thinks this is a good idea so we can get it done quickly and I can hopefully stop worrying, so with good intent but I think not the right thing.

I think I will speak to my boss (she's actually the lady I mention above who is also pregnant - 14 weeks- with the stepson) and see what she thinks about taking the time off work. I think she'll understand, she's lovely, but I don't want to take the p*ss having already been off on hols/sick.

I wonder if I'm partly dithering because although I do want an early scan, I'm so worried about bad news that I sort of want to put it of. God, no wonder I'm driving DP mad :(

[japhrimel]

I doubt half an hour would be enough. As well as travelling to the clinic and parking, you may have forms to fill out before the scan - for my early private scan we were asked to turn up 10 minutes early for this reason.

It sounds like a weekday scan is the only option. Maybe try and get an early or late appointment so you can easily make up the time at the other end of the day?

[lucielooo]

thanks thefatlady what you say is really helpful :) it's always reassuring to hear that other people have similar experiences and it isn't necessarily doom and gloom.

Think I am just going to book for an am appointment for Friday. I'm sure my boss will understand. The earliest appointments I can see for next couple of weeks aren't until about 10.30 so will be quite late but will just have to make the time up. Fingers crossed.. and regardless of the results I definitely think it's best kept to ourselves for now, hopefully DP will understand/agree.

[thefatladyscreams]

I did read one thread on here (ages ago) where the DP wanted the stepchildren present at the birth - yikes, I can't imagine anything worse for either the stepmum or the kids!

Hope you get your appointment sorted and don't feel guilty about the time off - it will all come out in the wash and you can always be extra flexible back to your boss when work needs it.

[buttercup123]

Lucielooo,
Glad to hear you have got a plan sorted with the scan. Let us know how it goes, I'll be thinking of you!

It's interesting to hear that your DP is keen on telling the boys - my DP is completely petrified about telling his kids! You are so right, we just want this week and the weekend to be over. It will be a huge relief to know the outcome of the scan, and have everything out in the open with the kids (and everyone else).

They are 19 years (boy) and 14 years old (girl). I know that they are both going to be fine with this... eventually. But we expect some mixed feelings at first. The 19 year old will be fine - weirdly, a couple of weeks ago he told us out of the blue (first time this has ever been raised as a subject) that "you guys could have kids you know". It was quite hilarious, DP and I had a hard time keeping faces straight.
But the 14 year old girl will find it quite hard. She is totally devoted to her Dad (and vice versa), and we have become really close - but she finds the separation from him (us?) really hard, and gets quite jealous of time spent away from her. BUT, she also has a big heart, so I know she will get into it all - it's just that there will be a few blips along the way.

TBH, the one who is going to be the biggest problem is my DP's ex-wife. She is going to go ballistic about this. We just hope she doesn't use it against us with the kids, and try to convince them that it means we're not interested in them any more. I know that sounds a bit crazy - but that's just the way she is.

Hmmm this thread was supposed to be about you, not me! But I must admit, it is nice talking to people who have SKs. I don't know anyone else who is in this situation.

Good luck with tomorrow morning!

[EMS23]

buttercup123 - my DH's ex is a nightmare but wierdly, our baby has been the one thing (and I honestly mean the one and only thing in 7 years) that she has been ok about.
I hope your experience is the same!

Lucielooo - if you feel like coming back to let us know how you get on with the scan it would be nice to hear. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you.
xxx

[lucielooo]

Well I've booked a scan for 10.00am tomorrow morning, and at least then I will know one way or the other. I feel better for at least doing something..

I think my DP has a very 'everything will be fine, don't worry' kind of nature, it's me that's the one who is worried about telling them. I think the oldest will be ok with it, but the youngest (in my eyes) definitely plays the role of the 'the youngest' and I'm worried he will find it difficult not being the baby of the family. DP thinks he'll be pleased about this but time will tell!!

It is lovely to talk to other Step-mums who are mad enough to want to complicate their lives even more!!

EMS23, how old is your baby now? How did your stepkids react?

Fingers crossed for tomorrow but I do know that whatever will be, will be.

[thefatladyscreams]

Good luck for tomorrow lucieloo.

[EMS23]

lucieloo - I'm 28 weeks pregnant now with my first child and my stepson is 6, nearly 7. He has been wonderful about it, just very excited and happy. Constantly talks to my tummy and hugs it.

His first question was "will the baby stay here with you" which I thought was going to be the beginning of him being upset but he took it in his stride, asked if she could share his room when he was with us and now we can't stop him telling people about his new baby sister, who will be arriving after his birthday in November.

Wierdly, last night, out of the blue, he suggested that if I was having twins he could take one home with him when he goes back to his Mum's and maybe for the next baby, we could do have twins! I don't really know where he got that from!

How did your scan go? I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you
xxx

[lucielooo]

Oh bless him.. That's so sweet! - not sure his mum would be so pleased though! He sounds like a lovely SS!

All was fine at the scan, thankfully :) :) :) It's was lovely to see and hear the heartbeat.. such a relief to know that so far so good. I'm actually 8+4 instead of 9+0 but I have slightly longer than 28 day cycles so I think that soounds right anyway.. My new due date that the sonographer gave me is in line with the calculators that allow for length of cycle anyway.. if that makes sense. Yolk sack is in order and where it should be.

Best £100 I've ever spent! I do know that there is still potential for problems and I've seen some terrible sad stories on MN where people have had good scans and then problems but I'm going to give myself a day of worrying and enjoy it!

DP also agrees that we should wait till 12 week scan before telling anyone including the boys which is good. Especially as youngest just started a new school where none of his friends are on Thursday so it will also give him a few more weeks to settle in before changing things again.

[thefatladyscreams]

Oh lucieloo - that is fantastic news. I know nothing is guaranteed but the statistics after a successful scan post the 8 week mark are massively in your favour.

Laughing at the twin story EMS23!

My stepchildren were really happy with the news - I was worried about how the youngest one would take the news (he doesn't really like change) but he surprised me by being over the moon. DH made a point of spending extra one to one time with him so he had the chance to talk through any concerns. I think he quite likes the idea of not being the baby of the family anymore! DH also told his children on his own - so they didn't have to pretend to be happy just because I was there.

Hope the next few weeks fly by.

[EMS23]

lucielooo - such lovely lovely news, I'm really happy for you! I was looking out for this all day so it's great to hear it all went well.

You and your DP have this lovely little secret now for a few weeks and when you do tell your SK's I hope are excited too!

xxx

[lucielooo]

Thanks TFLS and EMS23 :)

Interesting what you say TFLS about the youngest SK, that's what my DP thinks (it's the youngest I'm more worried about) and I suppose he should know them best after all!

Have lovely weekends all of you :) :)

(A smiley Lucieloo!)

[buttercup123]

lucielooo, great news, so happy for you! I had my scan today as well, and know EXACTLY the feeling of relief you'll be having right now!
Have a lovely (happy happy) weekend...