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Pregnancy

everything pointed to it being a girl. found out it's a boy.

20 replies

vmcd28 · 26/07/2010 20:58

So I found out at todays scan we're having a boy. We already have a boy, and I wont be having any more kids after this one.

sooooo, the awful thing is that - god forgive me - I feel disappointed. I know I'll love this baby with everything I am, but I can't help but feel sad about the daughter I'll never have.

Please don't get me wrong, I really do know how lucky I am, really. We've had some bad luck in the past with MCs, and had high risk of downs with this pg. I just feel a bit down, and I'm so disappointed in myself for even feeling like this.
Part of the problem is that every single person has said they think it's a girl, and all the old wives tales said girl, so I think I had believed it too.

I'm not upset about what I am having, just about what I'll never have.

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sotough · 26/07/2010 21:00

i think this is pretty understandable...don't beat yourself up. you're not a bad person for wishing to have a boy and a girl!

skidoodly · 26/07/2010 21:06

"I'm not upset about what I am having, just about what I'll never have."

Well that's totally reasonable.

I think a "last" pregnancy must have a particular resonance that others don't have.

mamma4 · 26/07/2010 21:11

Hi I knw other people will comment and say well you should be lucky to have children an so on which you already do im sure but I can fully understnd how you feel. I already have two boys aged 11 and 7 and im now expecting non id twin boys! I felt straight away that i was going to have 2 boys and I wont deny that I also felt a disappointed when i found out for sure because i thought in the back of my mind, well I have 2 chances here of getting the little girl id always dreamed of and it sounds awful now but I felt really depressed at 1st. My partner and my mum were concerned aswell and the thing that made me snap out of it was when my mum rang me crying sayin hw could i act like i didnt want two more gorgeous healthy boys when i was so so lucky and thats when i realised. Im nw almost 34week and im so excited and used to the fact that ill be having 2 more little boys to love. Although i know that my longing for a baby girl will never pass and im not sure if ill have anymore now

StarlightMcKenzie · 26/07/2010 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

taffetacatski · 26/07/2010 21:19

Exactly the same experience as Starlight

CuppaTeaJanice · 26/07/2010 21:22

It doesn't mean you won't have girls to love in your life. You'll probably have two lovely daughters-in-law, and possibly beautiful granddaughters.

twowellies · 26/07/2010 22:19

I know exactly what you mean. I am pregnant with my third. I already have two boys so everyone and I mean everyone from the moment they found out I was pregnant to the 20 week scan kept saying. 'you must be hoping for a girl' and 'it'll be nice having pink in the house'. I knew it was a boy - just a feeling even though pregnancy was very different. After scan I cried. Partly relief at being able to stop the comments (didn't happen - just got 'oh well you'll have to try again' ) and maybe a little at the girl we'll never have. My dh blames all the feelings and peoples insensitive comments on the notion of the perfect family with one of each - maybe he's right...this time!

mamma4 · 26/07/2010 22:35

Yes twowellies you are right there. Id never said to anyone that id prefer to have a girl yet even after my 1st child I got oh well nevermind and oh dear only lucky people get one of each straight away. These are usually people who get one of each. And i hate it when people say, maybe you just a carrier o boys and you can have a girl!! Er wot is that all about!! No matter wot each pregnancy is going to be 50/50

vmcd28 · 27/07/2010 09:01

Thanks everyone, for your lovely comments. I (perhaps naively) hadnt realised it was quite a common thing.

mamma4, like you, I'm worried that my longing will never go. I cant afford any more kids, so I wont be trying again - and after 2 MCs I couldnt emotionally go through it all again anyway.

starlight, boys are fab, you're right. I just adore the one I have, and I know I'll adore this one. In fact, my DS is desperate for a wee brother, so I'm happy for him, cos he gets his wish.

twowellies, I wont be telling my friends etc that I'm having a boy, but I dont know if I can bear hearing, "Oh it's definitely a girl - you're tummy's the right shape" etc etc for much longer without bursting out crying...

I know it's ridiculous, and pathetic, but I ended up spending most of last night crying and feeling devastated. It's stupid things like never being able to brush my daughter's hair?!?! And I have a good relationship with my mum, and we still have trips to the shops every so often - not being able to do things like that with a daughter gives me a pain when I think about it. Actually, I'm not even sure what mothers and sons do together once the son is grown up, tbh.

My best friend has a daughter who's perfect, and in some ways I love spedning time with them, but other times I find it painful.

Jeez, I just feel so selfish, but dont know how to get over this sadness. Note - I am fairly certain my hormones are playing a big part in this emotional nonsense.

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CuppaTeaJanice · 27/07/2010 09:40

vmcd28 I think you need to cultivate some interests that you and your sons can share throughout life, and not let them descend into a sea of footballness and blokery!

Aside from brushing hair (which I often do with my DS, by the way) and shopping, what would you have liked to do with a grown up daughter? There's no reason you couldn't do (most) of these things with your sons instead. If you can spark their interest early in lifelong pastimes, whether that be going to the theatre or cinema, cycling, watching dog racing, flying kites, skiing, collecting antiques, listening to country music.....anything really. I think a lot of mothers let their sons 'drift away' with regard to pastimes, because they assume men and women like different things.

FWIW, I don't really like shopping with anybody else, even my mum, and she hasn't brushed my hair for many, many years!!

vmcd28 · 27/07/2010 10:39

cuppa, thanks for making me smile.
Youre right - I love taking my DS to the cinema, and I love going for coffee and cake with him.
But I guess I'm sick of looking at Power Rangers and Ben 10 etc, and wanted the chance to buy nice shoes for my daughter, and decorate a room pink!! I know how ridiculous that sounds, really I do. In fact, I'm not even sure I know myself why I feel so upset. It's as if someone has died - which (without being melodramatic) is probably partly correct, ie the dream I had has died, and I wont ever get to live it. Sorry, that really does sound shit.

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DuelingFanjo · 27/07/2010 10:46

you know what - I had IVF to have this baby and my DH is convinced it's a boy because he saw something on the screen at the 20 week scan. We chose not to find out but a wee small part of me is slightly disappointed that it might be a boy because I doubt very much if we will get to have another child and being a girl myself I had a leaning towards having a girl. I haven't really ever got used to the idea of having a son!

I know that whatever we get we will both be over the moon but I can totally understand that small feeling of disappointment so don't beat yourself up It's normal I think.

5DollarShake · 27/07/2010 11:00

Don't beat yourself up about, and go with the flow at the moment with the disappointed, 'grieving' feelings. They'll subside soon enough, and you'll be able to start seeing all the good sides of having two boys.

Feeling bad about how you're feeling is only going to make things worse!

providentielle · 27/07/2010 11:05

Think what you are feeling is completely normal. I watched this the other night8 boys and wanting a girl These are extreme cases but it was interesting

chloebe · 27/07/2010 11:11

i think the way you are feeling is normal but also taboo. you should remember there are people out there that have never and can never be blessed with a child.

i have two dds, i am pleased because they have each other, your boys will have each other. don't be down, be grateful, growing babies is very precious x

Violet5 · 27/07/2010 11:20

I think your feelings are totally normal especially given you've said this will be your last.

I have 5,soon to be 6 children and have a mix. My daughter who is 11 has absolutely no interest in fashion,shopping,hair etc, she's SO different to me bless her. One of my boys however is a real mummies boy, he's happy to go anywhere with me. I started gardening recently and he loves to help me and we're learning together (he's 6 and a half). He goes to football every Saturday and i love taking him and being a crazy football Mum shouting for him lol. He's very close to me and i think he always will be tbh,we just naturally have a lot in common.
No doubt there will be moments when you'll see a girl and think what if, thats human nature but i'm certain once you get your little boy you'll adore him.
Also my husband is very close to his Mum and i don't mind a bit 'cos she's lovely. I involve her as much in our lives as possible and his parents are always over for dinner etc and i went shopping for my wedding cake with her and loved it. So you never know what the future has in store but i wish you all the best, and i think you should let yourself have the odd sad moment but don't beat yourself up over it,take care x

skidoodly · 27/07/2010 15:21

"Actually, I'm not even sure what mothers and sons do together once the son is grown up, tbh."

Go shopping?

DH and his Mum love to go shopping together.

I hate shopping. Some of my worst childhood memories are of shopping together.

skidoodly · 27/07/2010 15:24

with my mother, in case that wasn't clear

vmcd28 · 28/07/2010 18:26

thanks again to everyone.

I am feeling a lot better about it all today. I know my hormones are partly to blame, anyway, and I know I am not disappointed at having a boy.

chloebe, yep it is taboo, and tbh I knew there was a chance I'd be slated on here for saying such a thing (have you read some of the threads on AIBU?!). Anyway, I hope I was clear when I said I'm sad at what I WON'T have, not at what I will.

Skidoodly, your MIL sounds great - you are clearly fond of her, and dont mind that she takes your DH shopping etc. I hope I turn out that way, and not an interfering MIL!

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vmcd28 · 28/07/2010 18:28

violet5, you too have a great MIL! Thats what I want to be one day!

Also, I loved your story about your DS being close to you. Thanks x

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