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DP and I just about at war about this...

(15 Posts)
mamadiva Sun 04-Oct-09 08:12:37

DS is 3.3YO and has never done one pee or poo in the potty or toilet!

It seems no matter what we do he will not do it, yesterday DP sat DS on toilet for 20 mins distracting him iwth toys so all was fine eventually DS got off and as soon as he did stood there and pee'd and poo'd his pants!

It really is getting at me now because DP's family are constantly picking about it saying things like 'well you should have done it sooner' and now DP is starting to say DS 'must be thick' or 'be bloody backward' and now it's my fault for not forcing him and when he has to go to school in nappies then I will start regretting being so lazy with it. angry

Now just about everyone I know with a 3YO have potty trained them before their 3rd birthday but my DS just cannot get it. I've tried putting him in pants all day, putting him on the toilet, offering rewards, bribery but nothing works as he won't even say if he needs the toilet he literally just wets or soils himself and does'nt utter a word not even to change him, if I let him he would wander around happily caked in it.

It is starting to get me down now becuase I feel like everyone is against us for this and blaming me, I've also had my gran tell me that he will just need to be forced into it whether he likes it or not ebcause everyone is probably talking about him being behind everyone else! Is it possible to force potty training?

What do I do? Can I try and encourage it along more or can I just stay in for a week and leave him in pants until he gets it?

ilove Sun 04-Oct-09 08:18:33

Firstly, IF you are going to potty train pants are no good. Anything on his bottom feels like a nappy...he needs a bare bum for a few days.

Secondly, he sounds to me like he isn't ready. They are all different and if I were you I'd stick him back in nappies and forget about it for a few weeks.

lavenderbongo Sun 04-Oct-09 08:24:07

If he has never indicated or shown any signs that he is aware he needs to go then I think you should go to the GP and get some advice.

He may well have some sort of medical issue that the GP could help with. Or you may just be pointed in the direction of someone who could help.

Please try not to get stressed about this as your DS will pick up on this and it could make the whole situation worse. Plenty of boys I have met have not been fully potty trained at that age. Please try and get your DH to take a step back and relax about it. I would get a professional opinion from your GP and/or Health visitor who can give you some good advice as to what to do next.

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad Sun 04-Oct-09 08:27:16

Have you tried Cod's potty training bootcamp?

Will find a link, hang on.

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad Sun 04-Oct-09 08:30:00

Here. If that doesn't work, then perhaps a trip to the GP or a quick chat with your HV?

Does he go to nursery? Does he see other children using the potty?

bigchris Sun 04-Oct-09 08:35:22

yes you need to stay in for a week

no nappies except for at night

make a bigfuss of big boy pants

put hm on potty every half an hour

if he has an accident dont make a fuss just keep telling him to use the potty

i didnt do bare bummed because they need the sensation of wet pants to know how it feels

when he finally gets some wee in the potty go doolally, pretend to ring daddy at work, grandparents, give him a choc button, i used a star chart as my dd lives stickers

if he goes out put a pampers care mat on the carseat and pushchair - same for naps if he still has one

dont use pullups etc as it confuses them

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad Sun 04-Oct-09 08:39:46

With my ds, we are putting him on the potty every 10 mins or so. He has yet to poo in the potty but we are doing a Boot Camp "diet" version, we do use Pull Ups for nursery (long story) but at home he's in pants or bare.

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad Sun 04-Oct-09 08:42:27

Oh, and tell your dp to shut the fuck up about backwardness and the like. That's not helpful. It's entirely possible that ds is picking up on your dp's negativity on this issue and it's turned into a kind of block for him.

purepurple Sun 04-Oct-09 08:56:32

I feel your pain. I am a nursery nurse and I am currently potty training several 2 year olds.
3y 3m is not too old to still be in nappies, it is quite common for boys to still be in nappies at this age.
I would suggest that you take the pressure of and try in a couple of weeks.
Whatever you do, don't force him to sit on the potty/toilet against his will, that's just storing up issues.
When you are ready to try again, put him in pants, not pull-ups, as I believe that children need to feel what being wet does feel like.
Take him to the toilet every 15 mins or so.
Make lots of fuss, praise him for sitting on it, even if he doesn't do anything. Get some stickers.
Please don't get annoyed with him if he wets or soils himself. He really can't help it.
The wees will come first, it is harder to get the poos.
Good luck!

bigchris Sun 04-Oct-09 08:58:59

agree with Tarka about telling your dh to shut up! is he always such a pita?

AnyFuleKno Sun 04-Oct-09 09:09:26

There was an excellent reply from Tanya Byron on timesonline to a reader experiencing something similar - let me see if I can find a link

AnyFuleKno Sun 04-Oct-09 09:12:10

tanya byron article here

It's not an identical situation but does discuss using behaviour sanctioning to discourage accidents without overreacting or giving the child a complex.

OnlyWantsOneFartleBerry Sun 04-Oct-09 09:14:10

show your DH this thread - and tell him he has a very dated attitude to parenting.

A child needs to be ready. My daughter and neice are the same age (1 week difference) and my DD was potty trained and completely dry during the day at 2yrs + 3 months. My neice wasn't dry til 2yrs + 10 months,

but I cant get my daughter dry at night, my neice is and has been since she was dry during the day.

So all kids are different. Everyone needs to relax about it - stay calm.

I would leave it for a few weeks and then have another go.

I agree, he needs to be bare bummed, and it takes a few days - and no rewards please. My friend's kid shits on demand when offered choclate hmm grose

TheBatterflyEffect Sun 04-Oct-09 09:38:16

Message withdrawn

LatinDAISYcal Tue 06-Oct-09 10:01:48

Hey mamdiva smile

My DS1 was 3 yrs and about 7months before he was reliably dry during the day. I did sticker rewards (in fact it was an offer from Pampers with some kandoo wipes and he had a "Potty Passport" with various pages for various actions from weeing in the potty, to saying he was needing to go, to eventually wiping own bottom and using the big toilet). He really responded to that whereas all previous attempts at bribery had failed and actually getting him to go to the potty was becoming a real issue.

I made up a similar chart for DD (2 years and 5mo) on Friday after a few days of her running around half naked. Since Friday she has only had three accidents and I'm now attempting fully dressed and she is fine and just seems to have got it. Just shows how different they all are; DS1 had no notion of not being in a nappy at this age.

I agree with pull ups, they are just a different type of nappy as far as most children are concerned....albeit much more expensive that a normal nappy.

Just a thought though...doe he actually know that he is doing a wee or a poo? When he puts "that face" on, have you tried asking him if he is pooing? Maybe he needs a bit of encouragement to know that he is actually going. I also think that for some children, it just isn't a big deal, especially the sitting in it as they have been used to that with nappies to some extent....and that they need to know that it's not nice to be in pooey pants, so lots of "lets get you out of those wet/dirty pants" etc but without making a fuss about it.

I think it's one of the hardest bits of being a parent actually as it can very quickly turn into a battle of wills.

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