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Mothers of sons - what is the secret?

(31 Posts)
notimetoshop Mon 31-Aug-09 23:21:41

Did my DD by my preferred philosophy of taking the lead from her.
But no such luck for DS, who is about to start nursery.
He just won't. It's heartbreaking. He'll say 'no toilet, want nappy', until with silent tears streaming down his face he will try to put the nappy on himself, at which point I think I have traumatised him for life and so put it on.
Have had just one success breaking it down to baby steps. He now gets a big hug for 'trying', ie. standing in front of loo with trousers down. Will now do that for a count of 3 and seems calm.
He has four weeks to crack it.
I bought those wee balls from Dragon's Den, but both kids kept trying to fish them out.
Am not even thinking about the other yet. He can hold it for hours.

BoysAreLikeDogs Mon 31-Aug-09 23:22:58

How old is he?

If he is not ready then he's not ready.

Try again in three months.

BoysAreLikeDogs Mon 31-Aug-09 23:23:37

and erm Nursery CANNOT insist on him being dry before starting there.


MrsBarbaraKingstanding Mon 31-Aug-09 23:24:25

Secret is, leave it as late as is possible.

LadyOfTheFlowers Mon 31-Aug-09 23:28:42

Starting nursery? As in pre-school?
He doesn't need to be toilet trained by then. DS1 went to pre-school in nappies, granted there weren't many who did.
Anyway, he wore nappies for 2 weeks. Once he realised all the other kids weren't wearing them, he announced he would no longer be wearing them.

Basically, I did DS1 when he was ready - he decided.
DS2 was toilet trained early, because he wanted to be like DS1 - there are 14m between them.

Will do the same with DS3 - just wait till he wants to.

Bubbaloo Mon 31-Aug-09 23:29:49

Definately leave it til he is ready.Absolutely no point in even trying,if he doesn't want to co-operate.

notimetoshop Mon 31-Aug-09 23:30:33

He's 3.3. I read somewhere that only 50% of boys are potty trained at 3. He's physically 'ready', in that he's been dry at night for ages (at least 3 months), he can pull his trousers up and down, he knows when it's coming. But like I said, there is some kind of mental barrier.
It's a nursery school - and they do insist. Although I'm not sure how, I guess they'll just say he can't come?
What I'm really worried about is that although people talk about'peer' pressure, the other children will react with horror.

midnightexpress Mon 31-Aug-09 23:30:43

What mrsBKS said. Poor wee thing doesn't sound ready at all.

Also, I wouldn't bother with getting him to do it standing up. Just sit him on the loo instead, make sure he's far enough back so that it doesn't go all over the floor. Much easier than all the aiming stuff when they're just getting used to things, IMO.

BoysAreLikeDogs Mon 31-Aug-09 23:32:32

Absolutely no allowed to insist on being dry before he attends nursery angry

There is a section in the DDA which is about continence - basically his Human Rights are infringed if he is denied access because he still in nappies.


SlartyBartFast Mon 31-Aug-09 23:34:16

perhaps they just wont change nappies.
is it for 2 and a half hours?
shoudl be ok then.
dont force it.

LadyOfTheFlowers Mon 31-Aug-09 23:35:03

The other kids didn't notice DS had a nappy on, so he wasn't teased or anything.
DS noticed they didn't have a nappy on.

Does that make sense?

edam Mon 31-Aug-09 23:35:18

Nursery school needs a short sharp reminder that they are breaking the law. (Disability Discrimination Act - doesn't matter that your ds is not disabled, banning children in nappies means they are discriminating against potential children who are, IYSWIM.)

Tell nursery where to get off, then leave potty training well alone until your poor boy has got over the trauma. (You say yourself it's heartbreaking and he's crying.).

What encouraged ds, who didn't crack it until almost 3.5, was being round at a friend's house and seeing said friend doing a 'garden wee' - i.e. standing up into the bushes. This approach did have the downside of encouraging ds to wee outside in bushes, though, so it wasn't all good...

SlartyBartFast Mon 31-Aug-09 23:35:40

they probably have Toilet Time, so that might help. can he wear pull ups at nursery?

notimetoshop Mon 31-Aug-09 23:40:36

Oh really? The private nursery obviously allows him, because he's been going there since he was tiny. But the school says, no nappies, send them in pants.

I did ask a mum of a son, who said she started with her boy sitting down, but then my mum reckoned it was easier for them standing up. I must admit, not having the equipment myself, it does look fairly painful having to squash it into a potty and he will not sit on the loo.

He is quite pleased with his 'trying', so maybe we'll call a truce for a while. He can have a little 'try' but no more than that.

I know he isn't ready. But I just feel we have to, to stop him being bullied by the almost 4's, (not that they are bullys, just they won't like someone poohing next to them).

SlartyBartFast Mon 31-Aug-09 23:43:27

my ds too had success in the garden. blush grin
my mum's idea.

danthe4th Mon 31-Aug-09 23:45:45

Put a nappy on him and leave it, the poor lad is obviously bothered. Make sure he is drinking plenty, he will do it in his own time. He may well have picked up on the fact that you are worried that he's not dry before nursery and this is stressing him out.
Why are you trying to get him to stand up? You don't mention his poos, is he doing that on the toilet. Chill for a week or so and then get him drinking plenty and try sitting him on the toilet after meals but don't make a big deal use the nappy pants as they can be worn all the time but pulled down to sit on the toilet. He'll get there, don't worry, i've got 2 boys and they still dribble and have damp patches and theyre at school!!!!
I always say its a boy thing Lol.

notimetoshop Mon 31-Aug-09 23:45:46

Yes it is 2.5 hours and yes, I think, it is they won't change nappies rather than anything else.

And, yes, what he needs is a big brother! I visited a friend who's son is 6 months younger and he did a garden wee. I was most impressed, but she said that's what had happened, he just copied his brother.

I was pondering 'training' pants, I've never seen them before but saw them online, they look like a good compromise. On the other hand, maybe just pull ups. Training pants might confuse him when he does get to real pants.

Thank you so much for all your advice. I am a bit obsessed by it at the moment.

edam Mon 31-Aug-09 23:47:13

The only potty ds would go near was one with a seat - not a classic potty but the sort that is more like a chair. But nothing beat weeing in the garden.

Thing is, when you have a little boy who is highly entertained by discovering he can wee on tree trunks, you then can't take the risk of saying 'no' when he claims he needs a wee right NOW and end up watering lots of bushes and the odd rear wall of a building... (apologies to Focus Do It All).

choosyfloosy Mon 31-Aug-09 23:48:46

I'd be truly amazed if any 4 year olds bullied your ds for this. Most of them will have younger siblings, so it won't be weird for them to have people doing a variety of things about weeing and pooing around them. And if there were bullying in a school's preschool/Reception I would a) pull ds out and find a different school and/or b) talk to the teacher in no uncertain terms.

SlartyBartFast Mon 31-Aug-09 23:48:53

my ds didnt actually cope with pull ups, he would be confused when he needed a wee. do i have a nappy on? he woudl yell.. but he went to playgroup for 2 and a half hours wearing a nappy.
there were accidents once out of nappies, and i think that helped tbh, the wetness makes them realise they must use the loo.

moodlumthehoodlum Mon 31-Aug-09 23:50:22

leave it as long as you can

Start with sitting down wees deffo deffo

no potty - straight to the loo - potties hold things which are too too interesting to look at and poke

if at first you don't succeed - give up and try again another time.

No point forcing the issue, my ds was so stubborn and then decided he wanted to do it, so just did it.

CyradisTheSeer Mon 31-Aug-09 23:50:24

Message withdrawn

notimetoshop Mon 31-Aug-09 23:52:04

Danthe4th - thanks - hence the need for help from mothers of sons.

He is terrified of sitting on the toilet. We have a toodleloo, but he doesn't like that either. So we tried a potty. He is kind of ok with sitting on it, until he needs to go, then he gets up and tries to put a nappy on.

So I thought, well wees you don't need to sit on the toilet, he can stand in front. So he could do that bit and progress to poos later.

Thank you to everyone so much. It's the nursery really and I'm feeling more confident about his right to go (as it were).

ruffletheanimal Mon 31-Aug-09 23:52:34

aw put a nappy on the lad, its only a short time, he'll be fine.
hes sooo young
and the nursery have no right to say no
dont make an issue where there isnt any need. smile

blithedance Mon 31-Aug-09 23:52:47

I don't thing you'd be unreasonable in talking to the school. No way can you be the first person in this situation.

Our pre-school said something like "we normally require children to be toilet trained before starting". But they also said they were prepared to be inclusive and it was OK to send a child in pull-ups - the point being they had no nappy changing facilities because they were a village hall set-up (similarly in a school I guess). DS took about a term to be reasonably dry although he's not 100% even now at 4. In the event they were really helpful and flexible and did mop him up/change his trousers numerous times.

I think I queried what if he had a dirty nappy and they would ask a parent to come in but in practice it never happened to us.

Specifically, DS prefers to P sitting down at a WC (short legs) but will stand at a urinal, or in a field grin. He was fine sitting on a potty - the issue with standing up is one of aiming.

The other children will be oblivious I'm sure, they don't bully at that age!

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