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Toilet training problems

(17 Posts)
SimonJT Sat 23-Mar-19 09:38:35

My son is four this summer and we still haven’t cracked toilet training.

He is hearing impaired and has a kidney problem, but these do not impact on his ability to go to the loo and he has exceeded all of his expected developmental milestones apart from toileting. He has had a rough start as he was seriously neglected until 13 months old. So this obviously brings challenges. He goes to nursery four days a week, which he enjoys as there haven’t been any changes to our routine since my partner moved in in November (by which time he had known him for 9 months).

Home life is very stable, my partner and I are splitting up, but there are no arguments, our routine is the same, we’re still having sex, so I don’t think there is really anything stressful he is picking up on as we’re not stressed, we don’t argue. We were planning for him to move out in September (when we are both buying new properties), but I’m worried if we crack toileting training before then he’ll regress when Alek moves out, so would it be better to bring that forward?

I have attempted toilet training four times, for the first 4-5 days he is completely dry in the day and pooing on the toilet, each time he succeeds he is praised, any accident is ignored. After day five he typically goes back to going in his underwear every single time he goes. The longest we have gone without nappies and constant accidents is three weeks, as it is very stressful for him and so I haven’t wanted to have him urinating and pooing himself for longer than that in his pants.

We have done the whole, choosing new pants (i never say big boy pants as i don’t want him to think he is a baby for struggling), rewards, verbal rewards, we announce when we go the loo etc.

I just don’t know where to go from here, he starts school in September and I’m genuinely worried he won’t be ready.

SimonJT Thu 04-Apr-19 20:22:02

I don’t work Fridays and I have next week booked off work, so I’m starting again tomorrow. Got a new pawpatrol potty, loads of cans of carpet cleaner and some new things we can play with while sat on the potty.

Absolutely dreading it, bought extra beers and fags in for the evenings.

Motionoftheoceon Thu 04-Apr-19 20:33:13

Sounds very tough for you all. How is his language, are you able to ask him why he struggles to go? As the first few days go well, it sounds like this is not about lacking the right cues, more that he is choosing to regress for some reason.

All I would say is be persistent, give accidents no attention, clean him up without any fuss, but fuss over going on the toilet.

You may well find if it’s not involuntary accidents that he responds differently at school.

Lastly remember, he will get there, this is just a phase and try not to let it affect you too much, I found with my son when I stopped worrying it just clicked.

Good luck!

SimonJT Thu 04-Apr-19 20:56:39

His language is very good and he has exceeded his expected language for his age. He isn’t old enough to go to school, so thankfully that isn’t an issue with toilet training.

Jackshouse Thu 04-Apr-19 20:59:39

You say he was neglected, is he adopted (the smoking makes me think no) has he had any play therapy for this?

SimonJT Thu 04-Apr-19 21:11:53

He doesn’t meet the criteria for therapy via post adoption fund, he won’t be assessed again until he has completed his first term at primary school. CAMHS won’t entertain taking him on until post adoption strategies are in place, no deaf CAMHS in my area either.

Jackshouse Thu 04-Apr-19 21:55:18

You might get more appropriate posts to your situation in the adoption board.

EightWellies Fri 05-Apr-19 06:29:38

Hmm..so it's seems psychological rather than physical. If your son experienced severe neglect, I guess there's likely to be issues there with not having had nappies changed as frequently as he should of. I also wonder about what you say about your partner - that's a massive thing for an adopted wee one - for him to move in and now be moving out. Could he also be worried about starting school and not wanting to grow up? I think there's a lot going on there and that, as has been said, he'd really benefit from therapy. Could you fund it privately or look for a Play Therapy charity? In the meantime, I'd be doing lots of messy play for the sensory side of things and also theraplay stuff.

EightWellies Fri 05-Apr-19 06:34:32

Oh and please do come on over to Adoption. We're very friendly grin

SimonJT Mon 08-Apr-19 07:12:36

Today is normally the day that gets us, he would also normally be at nursery today, the extra bedtime beer is ready and waiting in the fridge!

SimonJT Tue 09-Apr-19 09:29:06

We have to take a quick trip to the shops today, I smell disaster!

Harryy Tue 09-Apr-19 10:35:48

Dad here to I struggled to potty train my now 5 year old I lost my wife when he was 3 so around the time most children are starting to be potty trained or already was.

I tried for months but he'd always end up back in nappies. Well a month ago i ditched all the nappies so we had no in the house (left them at my parents incase things didn't work out) the first few days he just kept wetting and pooing hisself which normally I would off just gone back to nappies. I then switched from pants to boxers after some parents telling me that some children treat pants like nappies. He was weeing in the potty (hated the toilet) still had the odd accident. I also started with him sitting to wee but the last few days he's been wanting to stand

The only problem I'm having now is he won't poo in the toilet or potty! And yesterday and this morning he's been wetting hisself again I want to day it's to do with a different routine as no school. I'm trying to stick with it.

Good luck you aren't alone, hang in there

SimonJT Wed 10-Apr-19 19:07:48

We had three accidents today, argh, I hope this doesn’t turn into his usual holding and refusing to use the potty/toilet.

EightWellies, there is no way I could fund regular private therapy. I have been doing theraplay etc from day one alongside therasign.

SimonJT Tue 16-Apr-19 19:59:29

I don’t want to tempt fate but we haven’t had an accident since about 9am on Sunday, and that includes one day at nursery!

SimonJT Thu 18-Apr-19 22:06:50

Still no accidents since Sunday, tomorrow we move into my new flat, shit timing!

TigerQuoll Mon 22-Apr-19 08:30:17

"there is no way I could fund regular private therapy"

Yet you can afford cigarettes...

SimonJT Mon 22-Apr-19 08:53:40

@tigerquoll so you know a qualified play therapist that charges £15 a week?

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