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Please explain the harm caused by waiting

(27 Posts)
ohthelights Sat 03-Feb-18 19:36:17

I have a DS aged 2 and a half. He has hypermobility (I'm told this affects potty training somehow so thought I'd mention). He isn't going to nursery and won't start school until he is 5. So I'm in no rush to start potty training. I thought I'd wait until the summer so that we can spend our days in the garden or the park/field down the road. That way, if he has an accident, I won't be stressing about carpets, sofas etc getting soiled.

The problem is my MIL. She will not leave it and go with our wishes. She keeps pushing for me to start potty training and is getting quite critical.

My DS has no awareness of when he needs a wee and is only just beginning to realise when he needs a poo, but even that is only about 70% of the time. A lot of the time, we open up his nappy and there's a poo even he wasn't aware of!

So what harm am I causing him by leaving it until May-June? Do we really need to start now? He's got no interest in the potty or toilet.

OP’s posts: |
Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman Sat 03-Feb-18 19:39:52

Unless you intend to strap a potty to his bum you can't force potty training. My ds was 2.10 and did it one day and had cracked it within a fortnight - why would I have faffed about for months when he wasn't ready?? Tell mil back in her day they sent folk to the electric chair - things change ffs!

OhHolyJesus Sat 03-Feb-18 19:39:57

I read that to leave it until they are 3 night cause long term weakening of muscles which causes more bed wetting later. This was in a PT book but I'm not sure if the science behind it.
I think it depends on the child and the situation. Typically children were PT early in the past, could by why MIL is pushing.
I recommend the Oh Crap book/method and you can find out more under the PT topic. Good luck!

CaptainKirkssparetupee Sat 03-Feb-18 19:43:22

There is no harm, even in waiting another year or two, especially when there is special needs involved.
There is quite a bit of research out there on early potty training and chronic constipation.

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman Sat 03-Feb-18 19:44:26

Night training is determined by hormones not muscles...

Phillipa12 Sat 03-Feb-18 19:45:45

Dc1 was 2.11 when he trained, it took 1 week.
Dc2 was 2.4 when she trained, it took a week.
Dc3 was 3.2 when he trained, it took a week.
Dc4 is 2.6 and is yet to show any signs of training. When he does i will crack on with it like i did with my other 3 and it will probably take a week also. Every child is different and when they are ready they will train very quickly, pushing it to early will lead to weeks of accidents and is just not worth it. Am hoping dc4 will wait till may/june quite frankly!

mineallmine Sat 03-Feb-18 19:46:11

My daughter was 3 years and 3 months when I potty trained her. She wasn't ready before that time. She got it really quickly when I did it. Go with your gut feeling.

BakedBeans47 Sat 03-Feb-18 19:47:40


You don’t see many teens wandering around in nappies do you? My mother was a pain in the arse about this as well. I just ignored her. My 2 were trained at 2 years 11 months and 3 years 5 months respectively.

helpmum2003 Sat 03-Feb-18 19:48:49

No harm in waiting at all. More harm if they're not ready. The older generation did it earlier - partly because of washing nappies I think. And it seems to be one of those developmental things parents and grand parents like to boast about.
Mine trained later than most at 2.10 and 1 in nappies at night til age 5. Completely irrelevant to the rest of their life.
You seem to be tuned into your child - stick to your guns!!

Shmithecat Sat 03-Feb-18 19:51:36

My ds is 2.3. He sometimes tells me when he's done a poo, doesn't really acknowledge wees in his nappy (in the bath he does, it's a source of much amusement to him). Like you op, I've got no plans to put DS into nursery/preschool so no worries about others telling me when he should be potty trained. You can try and force it like my sil - it took over 4 months and lots of stress. There's no for your or your dc to deal with that. Tell your MIL to bugger off. I have about other things - cosleeping/extended breastfeeding. It worked and it was rather liberating. Good luck flowers

AmberTopaz Sat 03-Feb-18 19:53:24

There’s no harm in waiting, but when your MIL was your age people did it much younger than they do today. That’s what she is familiar with so it feels right to her. She can’t understand why you’d wait - perhaps it even feels like something of a criticism of her own ‘tried and tested’ methods. Or maybe she’s worried about your DS being behind his peers. My mum and MIL were the same.

Stick to your guns OP, but be sensitive to your MIL’s feelings too. Just keep calmly repeating “he doesn’t seem quite ready yet, we’re planning to start in a few months”.

WhooooAmI24601 Sat 03-Feb-18 19:55:25

There is no harm at all in leaving him a while longer. None. You must be strict with your MIL and stand firm on this because adults sending mixed messages to him about how/when/where to poo and pee will addle his brain and make it tougher for him when you're ready.

DS1 has hypermobility and we bought him a step thing that attached to the actual toilet because potties were just uncomfortable. It worked brilliantly and meant we didn't have to transition from potty to loo eventually.

Both DCs here were potty trained in summer and both grasped it in under a week. DS1 was earlier during the day but took much, much longer at night. DS2 was later during the day but then suddenly got dry day and night in one go which was great. Relax and don't succumb to anyone else's opinions on this; you'll know when he's there.

Ethelswith Sat 03-Feb-18 19:59:49

I had Dc whonwere all stubborn as hell and very late to train!

I think waiting until the summer sounds like a good plan. Gives you plenty of time to potty talk to boost readiness, and it's nicer to try it in the summer when it's warmer, they're wearing fewer layers (and ones which are easier to manage) and you can dry umpteen loads of washing on the line (rather than having damp washing all over the place or sending your electricity bill through the ceiling with daily tumbling).

megletthesecond Sat 03-Feb-18 20:00:41

Leave it until the summer. Mine weren't PT until 3.2m and 3.4m. Easier to do it over Xmas when I had time off work. They had been in pull ups and using the potty and toilet trainer seat for a few months prior to that though.

happymummy12345 Sat 03-Feb-18 20:00:42

My son is 2 years 5 months. He's recently started nursery a couple of days a week so he mixes with children.
He started to be aware when he was going late last year, but we moved house late November, then it was Christmas before we blinked almost, so we decided to leave it until the new year. Told the health visitor this and she agreed.
Then when he started nursery, we spoke to the manager and agreed between us that it probably wasn't the best time to start now, while he's still getting used to nursery.
So based on 2 professionals saying there's no harm in waiting, I don't think you necessarily need to start now.

lorisparkle Sat 03-Feb-18 20:00:55

I tried to train ds1 earlier and it was a nightmare. He really was not ready and it caused stress all round. Ds2 on the other hand I waited until we were all ready ( he was about 3) He was dry in a couple of days - no stress. Ds3 the same. You can not train for night times. There are things that can help or hinder but on the whole it happens when the body begins producing enough of the right hormone.

happymummy12345 Sat 03-Feb-18 20:01:55

Sorry I meant to add. We sit him on the toilet every morning and before his bath every evening. But as yet that's as far as we've gone with it.

storynanny Sat 03-Feb-18 20:04:00

These flipping interfering mother in laws, what on earth has it got to do with them when you do potty training? I’m a mother in law and wouldn’t consider it any of my business except to support the mum in her choices.
I agree with the poster who said previous generations were in a hurry because of the daily chore of washing Terry nappies and also the nappy rash problems associated with them.
My mother and in laws started nagging me as soon as mine had reached their first birthday!
I’ve noticed that all of my grandchildren have been potty trained later than mine and also how much quicker the success rate. If I had my time again I certainly would be leaving it later to start.
Ignore her and do it your way. Your baby, your way

BubblesBuddy Sat 03-Feb-18 20:05:23

I worried about my Dd. She was pretty advanced in many ways. Her speech and concentration was excellent. Potty training wasn’t going anywhere at 2.8 months. I even mentioned it to my GP. I cannot now believe I actually did that!!

However he said that early potty training was no sign of intelligence. He said to forget about it for 3 months. Make no reference to nappies and poo for 3 months. Just change the nappy in silence! I did. As others have said, she took 1 week just before her third birthday and was dry at night within the month.

Actually my mum never said anything. Mil nothing either. However, is there any reason why he’s not going to nursery? Is he going to go at some time in the future?

AuntieStella Sat 03-Feb-18 20:10:01

"early potty training was no sign of intelligence"

In my (limited) sample that's definitely true. Not only (as the Toddler Taming man says) is the brain a long way from the bladder, it was my cleverest teen who was the latest co-operator

falang Sat 03-Feb-18 20:12:10

No harm in waiting but also no harm in introducing the idea of the potty to him. I bought one that was in a chair thing and showed it to my children and we talked about it and they got used to sitting on it fully clothed at first.

TheBlindspot Sat 03-Feb-18 20:12:37

Everything I've read so far says to wait until the child is ready and that forcing training in them too soon won't work and even if it does it just leads to regressions later down the line.

I get where you're coming from though OP. My DD is 22 months and my DM keeps on at me to train her especially as I'm now expecting another baby. DD does get her potty and sit on it fully clothed, and she knows when she's done a poo but she'd sit in a wet nappy all day if I'd let her. She doesn't even notice wees yet so as far as I'm aware that means she isn't ready. She's not talking much yet either - I think it must be much easier when they can tell you they've done it or need to do.

If my DM tells me one more time that I was 'dry day and night at eighteen months' I swear I won't be responsible for my actions (she is clearly exaggerating, I do not believe this nonsense, honestly). Sometimes mother know best by sometimes mother is definitely best ignored!!

SacredHour Sun 04-Feb-18 09:21:23

There is a strange desire amongst some mums and many MILs to potty train as early as possible. I have seen the rolled eyes as my nearly 3 year old daughter declares she's done a poo in her nappy. Hey ho!

As others have said, when our dear mother in laws were using terry towelling nappies and constantly washing them, there was a bigger motivation for toilet training. Times have changed and we are lucky to have disposable nappies and pull-ups these days. Hard to compare.

I have also known people taking a potty here there and everywhere with thir LO, but that isn't really toilet trained in my book. Why put yourself through it?

Children should be toilet trained for school, but why put yourself under any pressure early on.

I wrote a blog post about this very issue last week.

Don't beat yourself up about potty training. Wait until your LO is ready and then it will be simple and quick.

ohthelights Sun 04-Feb-18 10:19:46

Thanks everyone. Dh has said he'll have another word, as nothing I say is getting through to her. I'm going to use this time to read some books and demonstrate with his doll. We have a potty in the bathroom, but he's not interested in it. MIL keeps saying that he's asking for the potty at hers and happily sits on it for several minutes, but this isn't the case at home or my mum's, so I actually think he's making it up.

I'm guessing that from what I've said, most would agree that he's not ready?

I just don't want to start now and still be tackling it in a few months time. In my head, it's something that you shouldn't start until they are ready in every way (I.e. aware of when they are pooing and peeing). Just being awRe of when they are pooing some of the time doesn't seem to be enough.

OP’s posts: |
ohthelights Sun 04-Feb-18 10:21:38

Sorry, I think *SHE'S making it up.

OP’s posts: |

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