Any help utterly utterly welcome - we're just not getting ANYWHERE!

[commanderprimate]

Sorry, this is long.

Have been trying to potty train DS, who is now 3.3, for about three months. He'll happily sit on the potty or toilet, for ages, will wee pretty much whenever put on, and sometimes even poo, but he WILL NOT TELL US when he wants to go, and will often crap his pants even a moment or so after coming off the potty/toilet, even when we've said "Do you think you're going to do a poo?"

We've done all the ra-rah, wow you're wonderful stuff every time he has done a poo on the potty - usually after about 3/4 of an hour sitting there. We've even got a medal he gets to wear after the event, he gets a bit of biscuit, we go "hooray" etc etc.

He'll tell us happily if he does do one. But he just does not seem to understand even the principle of telling us when he needs to go. We've explained it over and over, but he shows no signs of getting it.

Even immediately after we've patiently laid out that if he feels that a poo is coming he needs to say "I need a poo" or even just yell "poo", we'd be happy even with that right now, even if you then ask him right then what he should say if there's a poo he just says "please", which is what he always replies if you say "what do you say?".

It's the same with wees, but he seems happy to squeeze one out whenever put in the appropriate place, so it's less of an issue.

It's got to the point where any sort of outdoor trip is horribly stressful. He's had to go in pull ups to the childminder after an appalling accident created havoc with the poor woman's cream carpets, and she had really done her best up til then.

It's driving us spare, causing arguments and he just does not seem to be progressing at all. If anyone has any advice, I'd be ever, ever so grateful. Should I just give up for a bit? It seems a shame when he's nearly got it with weeing, and at his age I think he should have got it by now, but I just can't face clandestinely rinsing out any more shitty pants in public toilet sinks right now.

[frazzledbutcalm]

He's just not quite ready. Leave him, try again in a few months. When he's ready, it will be done and dusted in a few days.

[commanderprimate]

OK - is that alright given his age though? He's the only child in his circle of this age who isn't using the potty etc.

[frazzledbutcalm]

My nephew didn't potty train until he was 3.8. My sister had tried many times before then but he just kept having accidents. When he was 3.8 he did it no problem. All children are different, try not to get hung up on everyone being the same and having to do it by the same age. Just go with your ds, you both will know when he's really ready.

[commanderprimate]

Thanks for the answer, it's very appreciated. It's a tricky thing now, as he's pretty much got it for weeing, and it seems such a shame to waste all the good work there. I guess I'm now trapped in pull-ups limbo.

Aside to that - quite disappointed at the lack of replies here. This is a very live issue to me that's causing considerable upset and unhappiness, a few more people at least expressing solidarity would have been good. I will now post on as many potty training threads as I can just so other people don't have the same experience.

[mattsmadmum]

dont worry ds1 trainined in 2 days but dd 3 next week just wees and poos everywhere but potty-he;ll get there in the end
good luck

[Mum2Fergus]

DS didn't go nappy-less til 3.9, and it was him that told me he wasn't wearing nappies anymore lol he was 4 in early Sept and he's been night-time dry for just over 2 months so it all happened fairly quickly I think the key was taking his lead. Don't worry about what other kids in the circle are doing, it will happen for you.

[Jinty64]

Both ds1 and ds3 were like this. Ds1 was completely dry at just over 2 but took almost a year longer to master the poo thing. We put him back in pull-ups after an unfortunate poo incident on the front door step witnessed by the neighbours - we have since moved!

Ds3 struggled to get the hang of potty training altogether. Even the childminder who had trained dozens of children said he wasn't ready. He went to pre school nursery (with wrap round care) in pull-ups being wet frequently and having two poo accidents most days. About a month after he started they asked me to send him in pants with changes of clothes. He needed 7 changes the first day, 2 the second day and that was it. He has only once had a daytime accident since - he was wet. However he is only just dry at night at 7.3 yrs.

Strangely ds2, who is by far my slowest to do anything else, late to walk, late to talk, didn't eat lumps until he was about 18 months and don't speak to me about the battle of getting him to go to school, toilet trained himself at just over 2 and never had an accident day or night!

[BettyButterknife]

My DS2 sounds just like yours, OP - I really, really feel for you. It's awful.

DS1 virtually potty-trained himself aged 2.2, can count the number of accidents he had on the fingers of one hand. DS2 is the complete opposite. Now 3.2, we began potty training him in June this year, took advantage of the warm weather etc and he was happy to wander about with no bottoms on, visiting the potty when he felt like it and doing wees fairly successfully.

Poos, however, are a bloody nightmare and we've reached the stage where I think we need to go back to pull-ups. I don't know what else to do. He just doesn't seem to care about doing a massive shit in his pants. Like you, we've done the poo dance whenever he goes on the potty/loo (which isn't that often). He seems reasonably chuffed, but not enough to tell us he needs to go in advance of the situation.

By the way, my advice would be that if you carry on with pants (ie not pull-ups) just bin the shitty pants. Carry a pair of scissors, cut off if needs be, buy the cheapest, cheapo supermarket multipacks of pants and just treat them as disposable. (My old, eco-self would be HORRIFIED at this, but I have seen and dealt with enough poo to last me a lifetime now, and I've had enough.)

Good luck, hope you get it sorted soon (hope we all do!).

[bluestar2]

We started training ds at age 2.6 hoping he would be sorted in time for ds2s arrival. He had other ideas. I believe he was ready but he can be very lazy and easily distracted. For example he will carry on playing and cross his legs and squirm rather than go to loo. Poos took longer for us too and like you I didn't want to take a step back so we introduced a variation on a star chart and gave stars for every toilet success. Each accident was recoded with a sad face too. At bedtime if ds had no accidents he got 3 small sweeties, gummy bears or similar or raisins in yoghurt. 1 accident got 2 sweeties and more than 2 accidents none but we still got to count the successes so it wasn't too negative. For every poo do e successfully on toilet prompted or not he got a freddo. As he progressed we moved to when he tells us he needs a poo and does it and eventually no poo accidents before phasing out All together.
It sounds complicated but it worked. However , I wouldn't recommend using freddos, to much chocolate to give in the early days when they go so frequently plus I love freddos too

He was 3.6 before he was confident , progress was slow but he did get there in end. Good luck

[bluestar2]

I second buying cheap pants and binning them

[Geneticsbunny]

It is so nice to know that I am not the only one with a child who will only poo in their pants. Wees are fine and have been for ages but DS will still only poo in her pants or a nappy. It is really frustrating but it is nice to know that others agree with our decision to wait a bit longer and try again in a few months.

[Monkeyandanimal]

oh god, mine is worse than yours cos he is going to be 4 this march! i just posted about it actually, as i'm not sure what to do.....its exhausting.