'it's basically child abuse to still have a 3 year old in a nappy!'

[Kveta]

so said a 'friend' to me at the weekend.

Apparently, because I am planning to wait until DS is ready to potty train, I am being abusive to him, as he will be bullied at nursery for still wearing a nappy

I suggested that spending several months forcing him to sit on a potty for 20 minutes at a time 4 times a day, and then having weeks of accidents to clear up, would be more abusive, to him (and to me!). (Plus which, if he was bullied by fellow 3 year olds for being in a nappy, I would be complaining loudly to the nursery about their care standards and removing him from there immediately!)

DS is 26 months btw, we have DC2 due when he will be ~32 months, and he is still totally unaware that he has peed in his nappy, and still requires eye contact when defecating (which is delightful of course...). Nursery and CM have said he'll be ready in his own time, but both think he isn't yet (which I totally agree with!), and have also said it's normal in their experience for boys not to potty train until 2.5-3 years, sometimes later. I doubt that potty training will be at the top of my agenda next May/June, anyway, so unless he's ready before then, plan to wait until after DC2 arrives and settles down a bit.

My 'friend' (actually, there were 3 of them haranguing me in total) was going on about her 18 month old DS using the potty 4 times a day, in front of the TV so he'll sit on it, and sometimes he produces. They have been doing this for a while. I said, if it works for you, that's great, but we're waiting until DS is ready, which is when I was told I was being abusive.

it is normal to wait until the child is ready though, isn't it?

[NunTheWiser]

Ignore, ignore, ignore. The whole idea that kids are ready at 2 is nonsense. Our local parenting support group came out with a great leaflet when DD1 was potty training (unsuccessfully). Only 40% of 3 year olds are fully toilet trained but by the time they are 4, over 90% of children are fully toilet trained. Some kids can do it early but most children get it between 3 and 4. A good friend's dad is a urologist. According to him, the outside age for being dry in the day is 6! It's very late but still within the bounds of normal.
I thought DD1 should be trained at 2 but I set her back completely by trying when she simply wasn't ready. One day, aged 3.5, she woke up and told me she was wearing knickers now and that was that!

[DelGirlsRingAreYouListening]

gawd, don't listen to them, what a load of rubbish they are spewing , trust your judgement.

[missnevermind]

DS3 is 3 in a few weeks. He is just showing signs of being ready. Knowing when he is filling his nappy etc. we are 'getting ready' for potty training by sitting him on the toilet at nappy changes and asking if he wants the toilet when he makes his poo face.

[minceorotherwise]

Nonsense! And they are much easier to train when they are ready

[An0therName]

what rubbish - its one of things there is a massive range with - he might be ready before 3 or after you never know -. I can alo see you might not want to train just before DC2 arrives as there is often regression after sibling arrives
I recommend no cry potty training solution - which has a readiness questionaire

[missnevermind]

Sorry posted too soon. My other two sons were potty trained at about 2 1/2. But all kids are different and DS3 was definitely not ready then.
And the longer you leave it the less accidents there will be!

[ButHeNeverDid]

I just the widespread use of the term "child abuse". It just cheapens the term.

[Kveta]

oh, thank god!

I was pretty sure I was right to follow my deeply lazy instincts but when 3 other women (all older than me!) started on about training NOW I did doubt myself a tiny bit. Especially as DS is the oldest of the 4 children there, and they are all PFBs, so none of us has a scooby what we're doing really! I am very judged by this group anyway for still bfing, and working 5 days a week, and for having tried baby-led-weaning rather than Annabel Karmel, so I will enjoy giving them something else to judge me for luckily they are lovely in other respects!!

As DS did pee all over me when I got him out of the bath yesterday - despite there being a potty on one side of him and a toilet on the other - I'm quite convinced that he isn't ready yet!!

[Kveta]

x-post - yes ButHeNeverDid, I think it's disgusting too. Like people crying 'fb rape!' when someone has logged in as them. It's not rape FFS, and should NEVER be likened to rape. But it was the term used, hence it being a quote, not a direct statement from me.

[reallytired]

With friends like THAT who needs emenies.

Potty training will come and 26 months is really little. I think the past potty training was easier as cloth nappies are so uncomfortable. Children had more moviation awareness of being wet. Parents had more moviation to push as nappies were washed by hand.

I think potty training is a process. DD is very good at using the unprompted potty when bare bottomed. However she treats knickers as nappy. We have been at this stage since she was 18 months old. It is frustrating that she is biologically able to use the potty, but won't use it when she is wearing knickers. She needs to relearn where to wee. She also has no concept of time and "quick quick potty" means NOW and not in two minutes time.

I think that elimation communication did allow children to be drier sooner, but I found it very hard work. It was impossible to do eliminaton communication with a child at nursery. Unfortunately dd is in a very stubborn phase at the moment.

Unless there are major special needs very few children aren't trained at 3 years old. Ds was trained at 3 years and 3 months both day and night. He trained very quickly with a bit of bribary.

[BaroqueAroundTheClock]

Ds1 - 'trained' at 3yrs........but in reality was about 3yrs 4 months before he was anything lke reliable

DS2 - 2 1/2yrs - no issues at all

DS3 - 3yrs 6 months - again no issues really quick

I know exactly where I went wrong with DS1.............I tried to do it before he was ready!

[SantaAteAllTheBiscuits]

I trained dd at 2.... and then spent the next 2 years changing her wet pants several times a day.

with ds1 I waited til he was ready at just under 3 and it went far more smoothly, although poo took a while to get right.

ds2 will be 3 in feb and we've tried potty training with no success, he just has no awareness, so it looks like he'll be 3 before he's trained.

When dd was 4.5 I brought her to the docs to rule out any medical reason for the wetting. The paediatrician at the hospital said some kids are just late learning and if it was causing her anxiety or stress trying to keep dry at school to just put her in a pull up for school.

[Rosemallow]

What a load of rubbish! DD is also 2.8 and is just not ready to be potty trained. I had DS 10 months ago and decided not to bother trying early on as I figured she might regress/it would be completely stressful for both of us. She occasionally asks for the potty (usually after she has done a poo!) but usually actively opposes the idea of it.
Most children I know who have been trained before 3 it has been a long dedicated slog by the parents with many accidents (of course I know this isn't always the case) and from what I can see 3-4 is more usual.
I think you can really do without 'friends' who bandy about the phrase 'child abuse' because of something like this, not least because it isn't very supportive, never mind that it trivialises ACTUAL child abuse.
You will know when your DS is ready and so will he.
Oh and as far as bullying is concerned, I wouldn't imagine there are many 2-3 year old bullies - they're too busy getting on with their own things.

[BaroqueAroundTheClock]

reallytried - I'm not convinced by the cloth nappy thing tbh.........DS1 just didn't care hen he wet!! He would be literally soaked and carry on as if nothing had happened, and that wasn't a once in a while thing if he was engrossed in something - it was every single time until he was ready!!!Actually come to think o it DS3 was the same when we tried ti briefly at 3yrs 3 months..............soaking wet and not a care in the world (once DS3 was ready he was the worst when it came to hysterics over being wet - lol)

[sparkle12mar08]

Get some more intelligent friends...

[happyinherts]

It's not a competition to see how many children are toilet trained by a certain age. People do like to boast about these things and pass judgments on other people's parenting and child's achievements. Don't take any notice. How many children do you know going to school in nappies? They all get there in the end and an unstressed mummy is a happy mummy. Children who from an outsider point of view are trained later rather than earlier tend to grasp the procedure quicker, so you're saving yourself a lot of hassle, accidents and washing. Just take no notice. People do like competition

[SantaAteAllTheBiscuits]

reallytired.... all three of mine were in cloth and it made not a scrap of difference!

ds2 is the only one who's had disposables a lot as the washing got too much and there seems to be no difference in his awareness, for better or worse!

[helpmabob]

You really need some new friends, how appaling of them to not just intefere but to do so in such a nasty way. Please don't worry and let them influence you.

[Rosemallow]

X posts!
Looks like you have a totally different parenting style (BFing, working etc) from your 'friends' so I would definitely ignore them. :)

[GrimmaTheNome]

What rot. Also the idea that a child would be 'bullied at nursery for still wearing a nappy' is bonkers.

I sometimes think early training is one of those strange things indulged in by either uber-competitive mothers, or by those with kids who aren't much more interested in other things. Sitting on a potty in front of the TV doesn't score that highly on my parental judgey-pants scale, TBH ... sounds a bit control-freaky and not very enriching to me

[weblette]

I'm with sparkle, your 'friends' sound a nightmare.

Of my 4dcs only one was trained at under 3, the rest were older and were dry very quickly once they were ready.

As for calling it 'child abuse'.... Don't get me started!

Keep doing what you're doing, you sound great!

[PoppadumPreach]

agree with all of the above. they are utterly wrong.

further, they reveal a dark side to their characters - suggesting a 3 year old would be "bullied" for wearing nappies - any 3 year old that did (and i find it hard to believe they ever would) would have learned such behaviour from their parents. this suggests to me these idiots are telling their kids that any child the same age as them wearing a nappy is somehow less worthy than them - unbelievable.

avoid these idiots.

[roastparsnipsandbrusselsprouts]

I tried to train my dd at about 2 years and it went on for years - literally!

I trained my ds at just past 3 years and it took a few days more or less with just the odd accident after that.

Ignore the peer pressure and leave it until ds is showing signs of awareness and control.

If it is any consolation the competitive parenting eases off when the competitive parents realise they have produced normal children after a while.

[Kveta]

glad to hear DS isn't alone then, and that I'm not alone in waiting!

my friends are lovely women, really, and yes, we do have quite different parenting approaches, but we generally get on very well - I don't judge them, they occasionally judge me, but I tell them where to stick their ideas (politely, of course ) To be fair, they do all work, but all hate doing it, and say they'd be happier as SAHMs, whereas I am honest about quite liking my job, and not being fussed about drop-kicking DS across the nursery threshold leaving DS at nursery, and will do the same with DC2. I love my child, but also love my work.

I did smirk at the 3 year old bullies thing too, which may have wound my friend up a little. She is from a similar background to my DH (not British) and he does say that in his country, potty training is quite competitive, and the UK seems much more laid back. Other 2 friends are british though, so no excuses!!

My mum and grandma have started asking when DS will be potty trained (as I am ignoring their 'when will he stop bfing?' comments, they have moved on to a new nag ) and have both actually said 'oh that's a good idea' when I reply 'WHEN HE'S FUCKING READY' as both said they hated potty training with a passion. My wee brother was still wet at night until he was 11, so I don't have too high hopes for DS to be dry overnight any time soon!