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3.5 DD still wetting herself, not bothered about it and I don't know what to do anymore....

(19 Posts)
bramblina Tue 27-Sep-11 20:57:26

We began potty training end last year sometime, she was 2y9 or so, it went OK, she was keen, happy with potty or toilet, no issues over anything, but we never got to that breakthrough bit where I thought we had turned a corner. I would usually take her for a wee before journeys, activities etc, she would rarely instigate it. Yet she would just about always do a wee, great.
This summer was pretty good, accidents became fewer, then she started nursery in Aug, no noticable differences until 2 weeks ago. She weed in her knickers one day then the next day too. Nursery teacher then linked it to her doing it to avoid tidy up time, so the next day they took her for a wee before tidying up which worked. Today she weed again and they told her she had to get herself changed which apparently took a long time and she fought quite a battle sad. My friend collected her to take her to her house to play this afternoon and she weed there too.
The thing is, it doesn't seem to bother her. She doesn't get uncomfortable, sore, embarrased, harrassed by the changing etc. She is very aware of it though. In the beginning when it was after she was "potty trained" (of a fashion) and she seemed to be doing it without any attempt to tell me or go to the toilet, I tried everything from disciplining, ignoring it, taking a toy/priviledge away, and nothing made any difference.
I really don't know what to do. I will call the hv tomorrow for advice but for now thought you lovely ladies might also give me some suggestions.
I'm getting quite sad about it now.

bramblina Tue 27-Sep-11 21:20:23


KarenR1 Tue 27-Sep-11 21:35:20

Yes I had a persistent wee/pooer as well and ultimately resorted to going back to nappies. Is she at this stage at all? If not you could try the usual positive reinforcement/praise etc.

bramblina Tue 27-Sep-11 22:51:18

No chance of nappies.
I'll defo stick with the praise etc but wondered if there is any reason for this happening? I'm at a loss sad

girlywhirly Wed 28-Sep-11 13:49:48

I think your DD finds going to the loo a nuisance, basically. She has also found that wetting can be a useful tool to get her out of doing things she doesn't want to do, as at nursery. Not surprised that she fought about getting herself changed, to her mind, why should she when there are all these capable adults around giving her attention (albeit the less preferable attention.) It's a form of defiance. You could take the hard line to make her clear up and change herself after every accident, and she might realise that you won't be messed about anymore so she might as well use the loo.

The fact is, she can do it if she chooses. You need to find a way of making it so desirable to be dry that she will want to do it. It is possible that if you put her back in pull-ups, the odd child at nursery might comment and make her feel a bit ridiculous, peer pressure can sometimes work in making DC grow up a bit. I remember a new child aged 3.6 at my DS' childminder arrived with a babys bottle from which she had her morning milk in the car, one of the younger girls asked her why she had a bottle like a baby; upon which the bottle was discarded and did not appear again!

Only you know your child, but it helps to know that it will stop one day.

veryfedupatthemoment Wed 28-Sep-11 13:53:08

DD went through a phase of this too. Was dry day and night when she got it, at just turned 3. But then stopped bothering really. I had her checked for a water infection - good idea BTW- but it was clear.

She stopped after a few weeks and has been great ever since, has occasionally has a slight accident when she is too engrossed in doing something to get to the toilet in time though.

AngryFeet Wed 28-Sep-11 14:02:28

DS did this. I ended up just waiting it out to be honest and he finally got it at 4.5! Sadly he has just regressed because of starting school but I didn't take him out of nappies fully until he was 4. If I were you I would not go back to nappies and just ride it out. I thought DS would never get there (honestly he couldn't give a shit if he was covered in wee and poo) but he did. I think if I had given up the nappies earlier - at the stage you are now he would have gotten it sooner and we woulnd't have this problem.

There is nothing you can do except be patient (maybe a star chart but this never really worked for DS).

I PROMISE SHE WILL GET PAST IT <trying to practise what I preach at the moment!>

alittlebitshy Wed 28-Sep-11 17:22:56

Thank you for this thread. I came on now to start one very similar so now I don't need to smile

We potty trained ds from the end of July - he was literally just 3 so not young but not over old for it either iyswim.

After a few days of horrors it clicked. We was excellent at asking to go - rarely an accident. But in the last 3 weeks (it sort of coincides with him starting 2 mornings at pre school but he is happy and settled now so am not convinced of the connection) he has been having wee accidents. Poo he is still super-duper at (we had one rogue poo in the pants last week but it was very soft, and the next one in the potty was so I wonder if it felt "wrong" and kind of slithered out grin.

I am ashamed to say that I have been mixing the positive praise with being cross at the wees incidents. They have never been a full wee - often they are not just drips but when then put on the loo he will do a good gush.

I am confused because going from being virtually accident free to an accident a day seems odd. Reading up, i note that they get comfy in being potty trained and stop thinking about it so relapse, or it could be a reaction to something (eg nursery) but i hate not knowing why, and how long. Back to nappies is not an option here because he is mostly doing great with this random almost daily blip..... waaah.

bramblina Wed 28-Sep-11 21:30:56

Aahhhhhh, this is the Mumsnet I love smile
girlywhirly you have it in a nutshell and have hit the nail on the head. Defiant is a word I have used lots to describe her!! I have never used pull-ups and so will just stick with the status quo. I called the hv today but she's only here 2 days a week so have left her a voicemail.
A month or so ago I realised this happened more when she was becoming unwell- a cold was on it's way or so. I started this thread last night after yesterday being an awful day, then low and behold last night she woke 3 times choked with the cold, struggling to breathe and coughing almost like she had croup! So I let her sleep in this morning- which she did till 8.40 (an hour extra to normal) and we had a day at home- and what a lovely day we had. Lots of fun, games, and dry knickers for which I gave her huge praise and a treat after lunch.
So, now maybe I know the reason for yesterday's episode, but if when it happens again how do I deal with it? Along with making her get herself changed, do I stay emotionless, get cross or basically ignore it? I know I should be firm and exactly the same each time but confess I have not been.
Thanks for all your fab replies, I had nearly lost the will to live last night!!

girlywhirly Thu 29-Sep-11 11:48:26

I think you just stay completely calm and matter of fact, even if you suspect she is going down with something. Just produce wipes and clean pants and leave her to it. You could have something in place where she can access everything she needs, and she can help you mop up. Even if she tries it on claiming she's poorly or tantrums, just repeat at intervals in the same tone, "please change your pants and clean up" like a robot.

I think that following the same tack as the nursery is a good idea and consistent there and at home. Being emotionless about it means that there is nothing for DD to be defiant about. But sticking to your guns will make her see that this is non-negotiable. Wet pants=have to change, boring mummy: Dry pants=fun and a happy mummy. It is pointless shouting or getting angry as that will provoke a similar response from DD, also it's a bit mean to punish if she really is ill. I think the middle ground is best, you're not unsympathetic, just not letting all her training go.

bramblina Thu 29-Sep-11 12:19:32

Thank you so much.
She was clingy at nursery today so I just stayed and had a nice morning. I had a great chat with the teacher and we think she's after more attention, she has every afternoon alone with me but we have been doing more recently since she started nursery and I think it's at the cost of that. I'll be more attentive and see how it goes.
I feel much happier though.
Thanks again.

rjrr Mon 03-Oct-11 16:43:13

We have the EXACT same issue with my 3yr2mth chap since Jan. He won't ask, doesn't care if messy or wet and it is worse when there are things happening and he basically gets too distracted. Only prob now is that he is at nursery school as part of a big sch and they ask for them to be fully toilet trained. (Nappies only at night since Jan.) Teacher is AMAZING with support (today I cried, can't believe it after 2.5 weeks there!) but just want to try and find a solution.

We've tried so many different ways though being as consistent as we poss can for several weeks. Bribes (rewards, sorry!) incl sweets for both then just poos, then just for doing it before school then now just for no accidents. We've done star charts, toys for a whole day then a week of no accidents etc and still nothing. Even the teacher is giving him a sticker for no accidents which he loves (only once tho in 2.5 wks! sad) It got better at the old school and over the summer but now he is in a class of 25 with 5 days/wk from 8 - 1.30 so I just wonder if there is too much going on.

Today after my melt down blush I put a new toy car workshop on the fridge with a new star chart and told him lots of little starts for asking to go to the toilet and 7 buzz stickers for 7 days of no accidents means he will get the toy. He got so excited that he asked to go to the toilet & then rushed off bursting into tears when he couldn't actually go as he wanted the toy immediately, poor love! We'll see how it goes but it is getting somewhat exasperating now and just don't know when it will stop...

So anyway, you're not alone! Just one Q, does your LO Bramblina put her clothes back on herself? I'm starting to think that we've been pulling up his pants or wiping his bum too much & perhaps if he gets on with it himself he'll feel more confident. Anyway, just a thought! Good luck... smile

SingleFosterMum Mon 03-Oct-11 20:06:21

Just come on to post exactly the same. I have actually sent ds age 3.4 to bed (it was more or less bedtime anyway) He's weed his pants 4 times today and pooed twice. He very rarely poos but I went upstairs to find poo all over the bathroom floor.
I am absolutely at the end of my tether with it. I can't cope with all the washing, fine in this weather but I don't have a tumble dryer.
He just can't be bothered to go and would happily play in wet pants all day.
I am so sick of it.

soupmaker Tue 04-Oct-11 14:16:54

Hello ladies. My DD is 3.8 yo and we're only just getting there, and she has been 'trained' for 10 months! IMHO this is the worst bit of being a parent.

With my DD making her clean up and put on dry pants and trousers herself, without an audience, definately helped. She mastered poos in the spring, but after a spell of being dry most of the time regressed horribly and was constantly wet for weeks in the summer, and I put her in pull-ups for a couple of weeks just to preserve my own sanity.

She attends nursery 3 days a week and they have been great as the manager has appointed her as her 'helper' to show the younger kids how to master the toilet, and she gets a present if she is dry for those 3 days. She had 2 accidents one week and didn't get her present so that concentrated her mind a bit.

Colds definately don't help, nor does watching the TV when tired.

I have spent hours crying, wailing, shouting, cajouling, bribing, pleading and ignoring only to come to the conclusion that they just get there in the end in their own time - some do it over a long-weekend, some, like mine, over 10 months.

negligentmummy Wed 12-Oct-11 13:44:42

I am so glad that this isn't just me. DD2 (3.5) has regressed massively. She denies needing a wee when leaving places, then 5 mintues later has an accident on the way home/ to nursery etc.

We spend a lot of time to-ing and fro-ing and when we're going to be in the car for 40 minutes of so, I tell her to have a wee before we set off, which she does, but otherwise she doesn't seem to realise she needs a wee until a little bit has escaped, at which point there isn't long until the floodgates open!

She knows exactly what is going on. Yesterday she said, "tomorrow is ballet day, I won't do a wee in my knickers tomorrow cos I like my ballet skirt" Then I picked her up from ballet, and she promptly did a wee in her skirt cos she won't be wearing it for the rest of the day anyway. Then she says calm as you like, "oh dear, that means i don't get get my dry knicker treat today". TBH I can't remember the last time she did!

She was potty trained at 2 and was brilliant for ages. There have been no major changes in her routine/ what we expect of her. She just couldn't give 2 hoots about staying dry and being a big girl.

I'm fed up of waiting for it to end- I can't go back to nappies (her nursery doesn't allow them). Also, if she is pantless, she makes it to the loo in time everytime- so she can do it! Comando child might to be very politically correct though.

negligentmummy Wed 12-Oct-11 13:45:09

(might NOT be PC rather!!)

GreenOlives Thu 13-Oct-11 21:28:24

Hello ladies, same problem for me with DS (3.4), have been training for a few months and he was pretty good with wees as long as we constantly reminded him but poos were a different story - he started withholding them and has ended up taking Movicol to stop him from being able to hold them in!! He has never managed to do a poo without first starting it in his pants! Anyhow he has massively regressed with wees too, mainly because he automatically says "no" anytime we ask him if he needs to go. DH and I both think its a power struggle thing and after extensive research (mostly on Mumsnet!) I found this link on another thread We started with it today and although there were still lots of accidents he did take himself to the toilet independently for the first time ever and pull his own pants/trousers up and down which is a major breakthrough! I actually feel that this method might just work for my stubborn little man! Just thought it may be of use to some of you too. Good luck!

Byeckersliiiiiiiiiiiiiike Thu 13-Oct-11 21:42:47

Oh my word, this thread has made me realise im not a terrible mum, lots of children do it!

Ds1 does this but his is poo, wees are not a problem and never have been, but i cant remember the last time he did an entire poo on the potty/toilet.
He would either hold it n and poo in his pants when he got home (after nursery) or do it on the toilet at nursery or at gps, he would only have accidents for me. But he had an accident at nursery on tues so im afraid we are back to pull ups sad

I asked him if he wanted a poo yesterday as he was trumping, he said no, which he always does, i said, come on we will go and have a try, he started screaming and crying hysterically, i calmed him down and asked him if he didnt like having a poo and what it was he didnt like and he just kept saying 'i dont want a poo' so i left it in the end.

It's so hard, thanks greenolives for the link, im off for a read of it

GreenOlives Sat 15-Oct-11 13:24:32

Good luck byeckers, hope theres is light at the end of the toilet training tunnel for all of us soon!

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