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Is there ever a place/time for sanctions instead of rewards?

(11 Posts)
Caz10 Wed 08-Jun-11 22:02:37

Everything I've read says praise the successes, ignore the accidents etc. Dd has mastered wees pretty quickly but poos a whole other story. Tried stickers, prizes etc etc, had to have her on laxatives for a while as she was withholding v badly, getting constipated etc. This has dragged on for months and was really getting me down, scraping poo off pants several times a day every day...

A few weeks ago it just seemed to click, we kept on giving her loads of praise, little prizes etc and she was very pleased with herself. Now she seems to have totally regressed and is back to hiding when she needs a poo, denying it, soiling several times a day etc. Have tried to be upbeat and not make too much of her accidents, but it is really wearing. Came home today to be told by dh that he'd "had a chat with her", basically saying (nicely) that we were sad about it, and she needed to do better, and the toys she'd previously had as rewards wound get taken away etc...

I'm pretty annoyed as it seems to go against all the advice to start "penalizing" accidents, but a little part of me thinks maybe this is what she needs?

She is 3.5 btw, been at this for a good few months now. Very bright (and stubborn), no SN. Would appreciate any opinions!

ConcernedMotherV13 Wed 08-Jun-11 22:42:44

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Caz10 Thu 09-Jun-11 13:05:17

Thank you MNHQ! would really appreciate any thoughts on this one?!

Mollymax Thu 09-Jun-11 13:17:44

I would never punish for accidents.
My 10 year old dd has only just managed to stop soiling. I never punished, always rewarded.

nannyl Thu 09-Jun-11 13:29:42

Unless they are doing it deliberately / malicously and on purpose just to annoy you (which is very very unusual and doesnt sound like your DD) then no i dont think its appropriate to punish / penalise. I doubt ANY 3 year old falls under that catagory either.

She is only 3... many many 3 year olds have issues with pooing in their pants not in the toilet.

what worked for us when at over 3 my ex charge was having issues, was no "special biscuits" at all until he poo'd in the toilets.

also perhaps a wrapped up present (maybe keep it in the toilet) for when she manages to poo, and then another for 3 poos etc.

Im sure once she gets it she will get it quite quickly

also have you been to Drs? If "soiling several times a day" it may be the she is constipated... and then poo is seeping out around it that she has no control over.

maximum1206 Thu 09-Jun-11 14:09:31

Really feel for you Caz10, our house is all about pooey pants at the moment too! We started potty training DS 4 weeks ago and it only took a couple of days to crack the wees but he started withholding poo and was quickly very constipated! Hes on laxatives now so is going again but still makes no effort to push so we end up with several soft poos in his pants every day (generally after every meal!) Myself and DH are trying desparately to stay calm about the whole situation but its so hard. I really don't know what the answer is, GP says just carry on as we are but part of me wants to go back to pull-ups to save the mess. My DS is 3 on Sunday and like your DD is very bright and extremely stubborn! Sorry I haven't got any answers, fingers crossed its a phase which will soon pass!

nannyl Thu 09-Jun-11 14:19:19

can i suggest going to asda / primark and buying multipacks of pants very cheap.

and then just BIN them. (they dont cost much more than a size 6 nappy or disposable pull up so look at it that way)

Mollymax Thu 09-Jun-11 16:31:13

That is what we have done nannyl. I shudder to think of how many pants i have thrown away over the years. It is less stressful though.

maximum1206 Fri 10-Jun-11 16:41:17

Good idea about the pants - Primark here I come!

Caz10 Sat 11-Jun-11 14:35:27

Thank you all, didn't mean to post and run!

We had quite a bit of success with little presents for every success but tbh I think she was starting to be under whelmed by them.

I think you are right re the constipation and soiling, esp as she is not visibly holding it in when she soils (am a master at reading the "poo face" now!). So we got a hold of a prescription for movicol and then literally as I was reading the box she ASKED to go to the loo and did an enormous poo! So thought we were on a winning streak, but back to poo in pants today, sigh.

Think we are on the borderline between her mastering it and giving herself a real problem with it. Am trying to be very non commital re the accidents...

fightinjustice Sat 11-Jun-11 22:33:44

My son was soiling interspersed with occasional big poos on the toilet etc and it went on for years before they finally xrayed and found huge faecal impaction.

He never strained or appeared constipated and the paed told us it was behavioural not medical!!!

Please assume it is medical especially in someone so young as you will feel so awful if you are cross with her and it it later turns out to be a medical condition as is normally the case.

Movicol is fantastic it has transformed our lives. The NICE guidelines to constipation explain the types of soiling that indicate impaction and this plus NHS map of medicine website explain the procedure that should be followed to check for this.

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