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I don't like my baby or being a mum

(55 Posts)
2020firsttimemum Mon 10-Aug-20 18:43:37

I already know that this will probably make me sound like a horrible person / mum but sometimes you need to vent

I had a pretty crappy pregnancy with backache and rib pain, stupidly swollen feet / hands and constant fatigue. I was also pretty big considering I'm only 5'2 with a petite frame normally.

The birth was traumatic. I wanted a peaceful as natural as I could birth but was open to things not going completely my way. However things went really wrong for me and I ended up having medication for blood pressure, being constantly monitored, a cannula in and and an epidural (which I really didn't want even at the time) a catheter fitted which took 3 people 4 attempts to get in, a clip placed on babies head via me, samples taken from babies head via me, at least 15 internal examinations in about 12 hours, my waters broken which had meconium and ultimately an emergency c section which was my worst fear / nightmare

It's really affected me I think. My boy is now 4 weeks old and I cannot shake this feeling of him not being mine and really disliking him a lot of the time. I can't bare it when he cries and for some reason it just makes me feel so angry at him (I would never hurt him obviously) I feel no form of motherly instinct, and I would have no concern for him staying the night elsewhere or someone else having him for the day. Like I wouldn't worry about him and I feel like that's not normal.

I have horrendous stretch marks which look hideous and purple, I'm still recovering from the section and obviously can't drive, nothing fits as maternity stuff is too big and my normal clothes are too small and I feel like I'm resenting my baby for all of these things.

I do love him, but I don't feel an overwhelming amount of love if that makes sense.

Please tell me it gets better or can anyone else share their experiences.

My boyfriend and I spoke about this tonight and it's really upset him with how I feel understandably and I just don't know how to fix it 😭

OP’s posts: |
Batshittery Mon 10-Aug-20 18:47:09

Do you think you might have post natal depression? Your body will return to something more normal for you. 4 weeks isn't long at all. I hope someone with more experience than me comes along. thanks

Batshittery Mon 10-Aug-20 18:48:13

I meant to say that it seems you've had a really tough time of it.

Basilandparsleyandmint Mon 10-Aug-20 18:51:40

Oh my lovely it will get better! You have been through a tough labour and it is hard especially with hormones and sleep deprivation thrown in.
It took me about 6 weeks with my first to feel a bit normal as the tiredness was a huge thing. Give yourself as much rest as you can and know what a brave and wonderful person you are to have birthed a lovely baby.
You can do this and please be kind to yourself. Can you talk to anyone else - sometimes another woman who has had a child and understands is easier than a dh who can’t get it.
Big hugs and it will get better!’xx

littlemissalwaystired Mon 10-Aug-20 18:51:48

I'm a midwife - it really sounds like you have pnd to me. This is actually quite common and you're definitely not alone. Please don't feel like a bad mum as that's definitely not the case. I would recommend an appointment with your GP as soon as possible and if you're in touch with your health visitor then let her know too. There is support available and you won't feel like this forever.

LizzieMacQueen Mon 10-Aug-20 18:52:20

It sounds like you have PND which is all perfectly normal. I think there's far too much emphasis on how blissful being a mother can be. The reality is milk stained clothes and little sleep, and all the rest of it ..... and that's without a health pandemic.

Be kind to yourself and get yourself a gp appointment.

nicknamehelp Mon 10-Aug-20 18:58:29

You've physically had a tough time a csec is major surgery so give your body time to heal. Stretch marks will fade in time.
Mentally you've also been through a lot so again give yourself time. I had a tougb labour and felt a failure etc and it took me a long time to realise the only thing that mattered was I had a pfb.
Talk to your GP or health visitor Im sure they can help you figure your feelings out.

PearlHeart3 Mon 10-Aug-20 19:00:53

I didn't want to read and run @2020firsttimemum and although I'm not an expert, all I can say is that I had the same feelings after having my own baby. For me, I didn't get professional help which in hindsight I regret as I feel like I could have felt better, sooner. It was soon after my baby turned 6 months old that something clicked one day and I no longer resented him.

Keep talking to your boyfriend and make an appointment to see your GP or midwife if you feel like you can't face your doctor yet.

sunset900 Mon 10-Aug-20 19:20:37

I remember feeling like this after my DC2 due to needing a planned CS after planning for a natural water birth, and suffering with SPD from 4 months. It was horrendous, literally going through the motions of being a mum and the guilt was unbearable. I can't remember a lot of the first year.

However, it did pass and the bond we now have is equal to my other DC. It won't last, just keep talking to people and getting support and I'm sure it'll work out.

Ihaveoflate Tue 11-Aug-20 09:01:00

I honestly felt no love for my baby for many months. I cared for her and felt protective, but no love. I think it’s more normal than people talk about openly. The love will come eventually, just don’t put any pressure on yourself to feel a certain way.

Keep talking and get support in real life, even if it’s a chat with the GP. Mine was very supportive and I did end up having quite severe PND, but things did improve and one year on I feel really good. There is hope, but it’s still very early days for you.

2020firsttimemum Tue 11-Aug-20 12:10:43

Thank you all for your kind words and offers of support

It's very hard to admit when something is wrong and makes me feel like a bigger failure that I'm unable to cope.

The baby has gone to MILs today as my boyfriend is working away and I think he thinks I won't be able to cope (he says it's to give me a break and I know he means well but that's not the reason at all)

I need to book our 6-8 week check so I'll ask the Doctors if they can book it on the 6 week side of things so I can hopefully get some help as well.

What a rubbish feeling 😢

OP’s posts: |
LizzieMacQueen Tue 11-Aug-20 15:54:18

It will get better, honestly. Try to relax while you can. Any chance your partner can try to be at home a bit more?

2020firsttimemum Tue 11-Aug-20 20:12:03

@LizzieMacQueen my boyfriend does work from home usually 4 days a week but he's so busy on phone calls etc. Plus I don't want him to have to look after me and the baby during the day when he's meant to be working sad

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EvieFryer Tue 11-Aug-20 20:31:40

Oh OP thanks please do be kind to yourself.

You've just went through a traumatic event only four weeks ago. I write this as somebody who wrote a similar post around a year ago (I change user names every now and then) I can assure you it does get easier. My DD is 16 months now and reading your post just brought back memories.

I did get counselling for my traumatic birth and pregnancy. You could either self refer / speak to your GP who may be able to refer you. I can honestly say this alone helped me massively as I really struggled to come to terms with it. I actually had PTSD which I thought initially was PND. So I would really recommend looking into this route.

Another thing I'd recommend what probably sounds silly, when baby was asleep (for the night or some of the night!) try and take that time as "you time" obviously when they are asleep. I did things like sequin art, colouring in, a bubble bath etc to help take my mind off things. I'd never heard of sequin art until last year and I'm not gunna lie I still love it now wink

And lastly I can relate to you saying this to your partner and him being upset. Please don't worry about this. You are both new to this parenting thing and it does take time to adapt. You literally have this tiny human you now have to look after 24/7. I don't think anything can prepare you for it if I'm honest. Do be open with him and do take care of yourself thanks

EvieFryer Tue 11-Aug-20 20:32:33

Sorry I didn't realise you'd already mentioned about speaking to the GP! 🤦🏻‍♀️ note to self to read all posts beforehand!

Cherry83 Tue 11-Aug-20 22:16:04

Phone your health visitor first thing tomorrow. You don't need to wait for the 6-8 week check to start the ball rolling. It sounds like you are carrying quite a burden but by opening up on here you are seeking help which shows you are a great mum! Take the next step and find help in RL tomorrow. You don't need to do this alone, help is out there. Sending hugsthanks

Helloyouthere Tue 11-Aug-20 22:28:56

I felt the same with my first. It was a traumatic birth, ended in a emergency section and a large blood transfusion. I remember looking at my first at 6 weeks and thinking I do love you, up until that point I wasn't even sure.

Birth didn't go as you thought and you are still recovering. Please speak to your GP or midwife. They see it all the time, they wont think bad of you and will help.

You will get there xxx

SlB09 Tue 11-Aug-20 22:34:50

I felt exactly the same, in fact I didn't really want to be anywhere near my baby and was relieved when someone else would take him. Again traumatic birth (for baby, he needed resuscitating, I was fine but actually think I definitely had/have PTSD from the birth) but that delay in skin to skin plus the psychological affect that had, also problems feeding and reflux plus zero sleep all together was awful! I ended up ringing my health visitor one day around 12weeks and just blurting it out and honestly that was the absolute best thing I did, I wish I hadn't waited that long. She arranged for me to speak to my GP, my family and husband tried to allow me alot more rest and proper sleep (which made a huge difference) and some talking therapy and within a few weeks I felt alot better and more able to cope. I also joined a FB group called ?Pandas which is local support groups for pre and post natal mental health problems and that was wonderful too.
Don't beat yourself up you've been through a hard time, speak to your HV tomorrow.
It does get better and the love does come just at different points for different people xx

LewishamLass Tue 11-Aug-20 22:45:59

Please don't think you're a failure, you had a traumatic birth only 4 weeks ago. As a PP said you're also no doubt suffering from sleep deprivation and I can't imagine how difficult it must be having a new baby in these socially distanced times. flowers
Along with contacting your GP and health visitor you could ask if your hospital offers a birth 'debrief' - someone to go through your notes with you and listen to you and any lingering questions you have about what happened. Also there are some peer support groups for PND which might be helpful flowers

2020firsttimemum Wed 12-Aug-20 16:51:44

Well, I did it. I called them and I'm now in the waiting room of the GPS waiting to see someone.

Wish me luck😬

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LittleBrownBaby Wed 12-Aug-20 16:57:11

Well done for booking to see the GP. Be completely honest about exactly how you feel, how often you feel like it and how it impacts you day to day. Don't hold back. They will be able to help you and things will get much, much easier. You are only 4 weeks in.

For the csection recover they sell amazing wraps on amazon that help with your core muscles and helped me to be able to get back into my normal clothes.

Please be kind to you, you're so much better than you think x

Batshittery Wed 12-Aug-20 17:33:11

Well done OP. I hope it goes well for you thanks

Jesskir89 Wed 12-Aug-20 17:35:27

Baby inhaled soapy bath water

Jesskir89 Wed 12-Aug-20 17:36:04

Please ignore that post I was trying to create a thread and accidently clicked on this one

2020firsttimemum Thu 13-Aug-20 10:53:48

So I went and the lady was lovely bless her (albeit maybe a bit patronising, probably not intentional)

I had the option of either group therapy basically, counselling but it's all online or medication. She thinks medication is best for now and we can review in 2 weeks.

I feel relieved partially, but also sad still that I need help to look after my baby properly. But I'm more positive that this will pass, and it will get easier.

Thank you for all your kind words.

OP’s posts: |

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