Is this PND?

[Theprimroseswereover]

I can’t cope anymore. DD1 is almost 3 and DD2 is one almost. I’m finding it so hard. Dd1 has only just started a preschool for 2 mornings a week. I’ve had both of them just me for almost a year. I find dd2 such a hard baby. She sleeps badly and seems to be like a toddler already. She whinges at me if I don’t give her something quickly enough. dd1 is almost 3 but her speech is poor (I’ve had a referral to child development) so it’s impossible to say have a conversation with dd1. Dd1 is so needy - I feel I can barely look after the baby as dd1 constantly wants holding or something. I feel like I’ve not bonded with dd2. I was waiting for it to happen but she’s almost 1 now. I have feelings of love for her but I feel so irritated by her sometimes.
I’m so tired and I barely get a break - I get a couple of hours a week to myself. My husband is supportive but out of the house 12 hours a day.
I don’t know if what I feel is just cos everything is shit Or if I do have PND. I get out of the house everyday and none of my friends would think anything was wrong.
I’ve not had a chunk of more than 3 hours sleep in over a year.
I quit my job when had dd2 as hours and commute would have meant they’d be i. Nursery for so long every day. I’m
Happy that they’re not in nursery but I feel so lost.
I’m embarrassed to go to the gp. I feel a failure for not coping. I’m so ashamed. I have had cbt before. I don’t want it again. I think I would have to take pills and I’m so scared of this.
I wish I could get this situation to end but I’m so trapped. I feel so sorry for dd2. She deserves better than a mum like this.

[jolenejolenejolenejolene]

Bumping this for you.

Firstly, you are not a bad mum. It sounds like you do everything you can for your DC and they are lucky to have you.
PND is very serious and you should speak to your GP and not be embarrassed at all. Anybody can get PND and it is not a poor reflection on you.

It does sound like sleep / constant reliance on you is a major factor here. I know you gave up work to look after them, but could they go into nursery for a day or two a week, or even an afternoon here or there, so allow you to rest/get your sanity back? It's going to be ok.