I want to disappear

[Blue2309]

I don't know if this is the right forum so please tell me if I would be better in another one.
I am getting really worried about my mental health. I have always been anxious and self critical but since giving birth it's become really bad. Ds is 7 months old and I love him more than anything. However I keep replaying his birth in my head - induction, drip, epidural, after a long time fully dilated then forceps. I keep beating myself up and telling myself I was weak for having the epidural - even though I would never ever judge anybody else for having one - plenty of my friends have had them. I cry about the birth most days and how crap I was. I know that's stupid.
I have become addicted to the internet. I look at these positive birth Instagram feeds and feel so bitter and angry.
I hate myself for being like this and I have started to really hate myself and think I'm a crap mum. I find myself grinding my teeth all the time and talking to myself. My neck and shoulders are so tense.
I have had a debrief which was helpful and I know intellectually I've done nothing wrong but there is this horrible voice in my head telling me I'm weak and pathetic. The midwife said I wasn't coping with the pain - I keep hearing her say that even though I don't think she meant it unkindly. I was in utter agony at only 3 cm I feel I don't deserve my baby.
I hate myself and want to disappear. Please help.

[xtinak]

The midwife at my antenatal group told us if we were induced she'd recommend proceeding immediately to epidural because it's much more painful! Something to do with your body not having a chance to produce it's own pain-relieving endorphins. Also Instagram is basically just a place where people present pretty half truths and
complete alternate realities. But all of that is beside the point because obviously you know that you are being overly self-critical and that there is no real reason you should be making yourself feel bad. Why not go to your gp and ask for some support? I was referred to counselling and that has helped a lot. Maybe that would help you unpick why the birth has become such a focal point and help you rewrite your story a bit to see that you actually got through something that's difficult and delivered a wonderful baby. I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. I hope it gets better. I'm sure it will in the fullness of time.

[YoooHoo]

Didn't want to read and run OP so giving this a bump have you spoken to your health visitor about how you're feeling?

[Littleraindrop15]

You don't get a badge for being in more pain than you need to.

I wanted to breastfeed but couldn't.. In 5years down the line all this will be a distant memory and it won't matter

[xtinak]

Also I realise saying that it will be better in time can be a bit unhelpful when you are experiencing a lot of distress now. I know you can't really use that information to feel better. If the debrief was helpful then I think that's good and maybe counselling could give your more opportunities to work through what happened and feel better about it in retrospect. Where I am we are lucky to have an organisation that does specifically pre/postnatal counselling. I hope you might have that option too. I'm sure there are other options your gp or health visitor could suggest. Help is out there.

[KittyMcTitty]

No one would have their leg chopped off without pain relief??? Bollocks to a perfect birth - a live birth is a perfect birth x

[Tmnmpa1]

I think you sounds like an amazingly strong person. I'm pregnant at the minute and have so much admiration for every woman bringing their baby into the world......no matter how it plays out. Feel proud that you created and carried a whole person to life.

I do think you would benefit from speaking with a professional though, and not sure who that should be but health visitor sounds like a good place to start.

[Ticklingcheese]

Hope you feel a little better op.

Stop looking at instagram it is not reality posted there. People will say they had the perfect birth, life, house you name it. Most is a lie or seen through rose tinted glasses, to make posters look like super humans and supermums - they aren't. Lots of people are struggling, they don't post.

Instead of obsessing over your birth experience, I recommend you talk to either your health visitor or your gp, this could be pnd. They are there to help you.

Best of luck, I'm sure you have a beautiful dc, try and enjoy.

[Tortoise22]

Hi Blue I just wanted to say that you've taken a really important and brave step to post about your feelings.

I can really relate to your feelings and it sounds to me like you would really benefit from some mental health support. You could talk to your GP or health visitor, or you may be able to self refer for NHS counselling or similar, if you search for IAPT services in your local area. You should be prioritised for an appointment because it's less than a year since your baby was born.

It can be such a tough time having a new baby and trying to get your head around everything that happened during the birth. It's not easy to just stop social media habits etc even though you know that isn't helping. Having people to talk to who understand and can support you to work through your experiences could make a big difference. I really hope you are able to find help and remember that you have been through an incredibly difficult experience and it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of raising your little one despite going through such a hard time.

[Blue2309]

Thank you all for your kind comments. I think writing the post and just admitting how I feel has been a good step. I spoke to my dh after I wrote it and he was very kind but also explained that he feels I need to start taking a bit more responsibility for my own mental health.
So I have made an appointment to see my HV as many of you have suggested. I am also going to move to a flip phone for a while...a bit scary but I think I need to break this internet habit (says she while on the internet). Thank you all again