Short fuse and it frightens me

[SamJTony]

Hi all

Sorry for the mind dump that’s about to follow but I just need to get it out.

I have a 5 month old son who was a very much wanted baby. We had a relatively traumatic birth and both of us have had a few health issues post partum and
as a result of all of this, I have had difficulties bonding with my son. Things are much better on that front now although I do still wonder why I haven’t had that all consuming rush of love for him. I do love him and worry about him constantly (is he healthy, is he meeting his milestones etc) but I do feel like something is holding me back from feeling the way I’m supposed to.

The main reason I’m writing though is because I have become so irritable, short tempered and easily frustrated since he arrived. I’ve always had a bit of a short fuse and get frustrated easily but with my son, the frustration goes off the scale when he is being difficult. He is usually an incredibly easy baby, he sleeps well so I can’t blame this feeling on sleep deprivation. He is easy going and happy 99% of the time but on the odd occasion he can be really tricky. As in nothing works. He wants food but then doesn’t want it. Spits it out everywhere, writhes around. Cries when I take the bottle away. Same happens when I give it back to him. This goes on and on. Won’t sleep despite my best efforts to get him to sleep. I pick him up and cuddle him as I think he just wants comfort but he screams and claws at my neck. When he gets like this, I can feel my fuse shortening until I get to the stage where I literally feel like to want to scream at him and shake him. This terrifies me. I have never done anything to hurt him but it scares me that when that red mist comes over me, I really feel like I could, and what’s worse, I want to. As soon as that feeling subsides, which is usually only seconds later, I am overwhelmed with shame and guilt and feel like a monster. I feel like I don’t deserve to have such a wonderful son if that’s the way I respond to him. I should be able to understand that sometimes he is going to be difficult but I just get overwhelmed with the frustration until it consumes me. I have shouted at him a couple of times and called him names (like you’re being a nob) which is awful, I know. I’m just so frightened that one day I will overstep the line. Believe me that the last thing I want to do is hurt my son but in the moment, I just can’t see clearly. Please can someone tell me that I’m not alone in feeling like this and if anyone could offer any words of advice, I would be forever grateful. I’m totally at the end of my tether with it and feel dreadful.

[sar302]

You're not the only one who reaches the end of your tether. I can remember feeling similarly frustrated up until about 8 months post partum.

I didn't seek support, but looking back I probably should have done. I also had a traumatic birth, leading to ongoing treatment for both me and my son. Perhaps it's worth chatting to a HV, booking in to see your GP, or paying for some counselling, so that you can access something immediately. I would also recommend a birth debrief if your hospital offer it.

Practically, make sure you're taking care of yourself, and if you find yourself feeling this frustrated, put the baby down somewhere safe - crib or bouncy chair. Walk away, shut the door, and breathe.

It does get better x

[SamJTony]

Thanks for your message, it’s good to know I’m not alone. I just don’t understand why I cannot seem to cope. Some people have babies that are like that 24/7 and they seem to cope so why can’t I on those odd occasions that this happens? His cries get to me like fingernails on a blackboard and I just can’t stand being around him. I did see a post natal mental health person in the early days but this seems to have developed since then. I’m so frightened of what might happen. I do try and walk away leaving him in a safe place but as soon as I go back in it all starts again. I don’t feel particularly depressed or anything like that, the problems seems to be the relationship with my son.

[RolaColaAllTheWay]

Babies test us at the best of times. When it gets too much, remove yourself from the situation, as long as he is safe. Take a breath, make yourself a cup of tea and count to 10. I found actually going out with DC easier than being indoors. Have you opened up to a HV about how you feel? Trust me, they will have heard it all before, you will not be judged. I hope this will make you smile: when my DD was about 2, she refused let me put on her tights. She wasn't having any of it. I shouted "fine!!! I will go out on my OWN!" I actually left the living room, went outside and slammed the door. Thankfully I was smart enough to grab my keys. When I had cooled down (I could see her through the window), I couldn't get it as she had parked herself behind the door as a massive 2-fingered salute to me! I managed to push her gently out of the way though. We made up after that. Only last week I was peed off when my DD said "Bye then!" when I said "I'm going out!". When I slammed the door, my coat got stuck in the door. I was literally not going anywhere. DD and DH weren't bothered though.
I hope I made you chuckle

[ilikemethewayiam]

It sounds like post Partum depression to me. This is exactly how I felt! I would break down I tears that I could feel that way about him! One minute I would look at him in awe and wonderment, then the next I felt totally overwhelmed and couldn’t cope. I got more and more irritated, short tempered and angry, I thought I was going to do something serious to him or me. I felt so alone! I had a difficult birth too. I felt I couldn’t talk to anyone about how I felt for fear they would take him away from me. Eventually I went to the doctors and broke down, they immediately gave me anti depressants and some help from the community nurses who were lovely. Within about 6-8 weeks I began to feel more normal again and able to cope. I still found him hard work but I didn’t feel the uncontrollable anger. I suggest you get to the doctors ASAP, help is out there.

[sar302]

I think you get used to a certain baseline of behaviour, and anything that deviates from that feels frustrating, on top of the general awfulness of whatever the behaviour might be.

My little boy slept through from 6 months, whereas it took my friend a year for her son to sleep. When my son occasionally - and I mean very occasionally - woke in the night, I used to feel personally affronted. Like he was doing it DELIBERATELY. Because I KNOW YOU KNOW HOW TO SLEEP. Whereas my friend was totally chilled about 3 wake ups a night.

Babies are bloody irritating, but the fact that you think your relationship might be the main fault, does make me think it's bordering on PND x