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Loneliness

(50 Posts)
FrozenMargarita17 Sun 14-Jan-18 00:24:50

Hi everyone,

First timer here. I’ve been a member of other parenting sites before but I’ve never really found it helpful. I’ve seen some really nice replies here to other posters so I really hope you can help me.

I have a 6m old baby girl. I love her more than anything and I wouldn’t ever wish her away.

I have pnd and I have had counselling but I found it did not help one bit. Whenever I talked about something the counsellor’s reply would be a variant of ‘oh all parents feel the same as you’. Thanks, but that isn’t really helpful.

I am so lonely, my husband doesn’t want to hear me say anything negative at all - as far as he’s concerned if he says ‘no you’re a good mum and wife’ occasionally that’s all he needs to say. He says that I’m very negative and yesterday made a weird comment about liking being around ambitious motivated people. Sometimes I need to just say ‘oh god I feel like such a shit mum’, ‘why is everyone else able to get their baby to sleep and not me?’, ‘I wasn’t made for this’. If I cry (which does happen a lot but mostly during the day when he isn’t here) he pretty much ignores it. I feel like I have to just sit there with a smile all evening and not talk because he doesn’t want to hear it. I have nothing else to talk about. If I say I’m having a bad day or I’m tired or I’m struggling he will say ‘take her to my mums’ as in, ‘take her to someone who can actually do this’

I have one friend who I meet up with (mostly) weekly but she doesn’t share my struggle at all and I can’t talk to her about it.

My mother is not helpful in these sorts of situations and neither is my MIL. My SIL is a great friend but is getting divorced and has her own set of things to talk about.

I love my daughter but I am so low in confidence and I am so worried I’m doing it all wrong. Daytime naps are my daily torture. I feel like everyone would be better off without me - my husband can’t be bothered to try and lift me up a bit or listen to me so why would anyone else either? My baby would be much better off with a competent person but then I don’t ever want to give her up because I love her so much.

I once said about disappearing (it was a bad day) and he said ‘well she will either be raised by my mum (which he knows I’d hate) or be in care’ which just hurts for 2 reasons - one, he wouldn’t even bother looking after his own baby girl himself and two, Even though I am not planning to ‘go anywhere’ it was frustrating in that moment of time that I couldn’t.

I think this post might be coming across a bit mad. I think I am a bit mad actually.

I don’t think anyone likes me any more, I don’t think anyone has confidence in me at all and I think everyone thinks I’m a bit of an idiot who doesn’t know what she’s doing. And they are right.

What do I do? I can’t do bloody baby groups I’ve been to ones in my area and honestly was so sick of hearing ‘oh it’s hard but I wouldn’t change it for the world’ or ‘it’s the most wonderful job in the world isn’t it!’

We go to swimming once a week which is nice.

I’m not sure what I’m writing anymore so I’ll just post.. please be kind

domesticslattern Sun 14-Jan-18 00:38:43

I want to reach out to you through the screen because I had PND and would have typed a lot of the same things, especially about loving my DD so much that I wanted her to have a competent mother ie. someone else. Also it is quite normal for partners to react like yours.sad
I did get better but it took a while so I will say some of the things which helped me- 1) mental health support 2) social interaction.
I am sorry that the counselling didn't work for you. How was it left at the end, is there any chance to go back and maybe see someone different? Are you getting any support from your health visitor?
Also, it really helped me to think about the things I enjoyed doing before I had my DD and to try to do those. In my case, museums and walking in parks. I also hated baby groups BUT if you persevere then if you meet enough people you will meet someone you click with. And can you hook up with any of your pre-baby friends? It was quite important for me to get out every day- I seriously lost the plot if I stayed in all day.
Keep on - it does get better honest flowers

SombreroDancing Sun 14-Jan-18 00:39:51

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. If it helps, I'm 8m pp, first time mum, also with pnd and I recognize many of the feelings you have although I think I have been luckier with the support available to me.
I think you need to go back to your doctor to ask about antidepressants, which have a great success rate with pnd. It is also worth asking if there is any other counselling available as a different counsellor could possibly help you. I'm having CBT with a counsellor I like and it is really helpful.
I can't advise on your husband - it sounds like he is being awful but he may also be struggling with being a new parent.
Come over to the sleep board to post about naps, we can try and offer some practical help. Naps are hard to crack, much harder than nighttime sleep.
You sound like a wonderful, caring mum. Your daughter is lucky to have you.

BrokenBattleDroid Sun 14-Jan-18 00:48:15

I think some of these are normal thoughts and feelings experienced by most new mums, but that most people have a partner (or mum or friend, someone) who they can share this with without being made to feel worse.

I think you are doing great at being a mum by the sound of it. It's hard, especially all things pertaining to sleep (well, lack of it), and your husband needs to acknowledge that and sort himself out. He sounds like the problem here to be honest - he is making you doubt yourself and completely devaluing you. No wonder you feel awful. Has he always been like this about other things pre-baby?

I'm not surprised that counselling etc didn't work. You may well have pnd but it's very hard to get better when part of the cause isn't actually going away.

I would try other baby groups though. I found some awful and others Ok. If you really can't, maybe soft plays, library story times - anything where that you run the chance of meeting someone friendly, but is also a good time passer if you don't.

This can get better, please don't feel like you are mad flowers

FrozenMargarita17 Sun 14-Jan-18 08:24:50

It's taken me this long to figure out how to reply..I don't know if this is going to work properly.

I spoke to my health visitor early on and she said 'you don't seem that bad' and also did the 'everyone feels this way' thing. Then I went to the GP and the woman there was emotionless even when I was in front of her. She didn't even offer me a tissue. She said I should refer myself to IAPT so I did. I didn't go to what was supposed to be my last session because my daughter was ill but she never contacted me again and I couldn't be bothered because it didn't help anyway and was a pain to get to.

I don't know who else to ask for help. I actually work for the main mental health teams in the area and this makes things worse.

I've always been a bit low on numbers with friends but am still in touch with most people but they have their own children so it's hard to see them.

I can't remember any of the other replies so I'll post..

FrozenMargarita17 Sun 14-Jan-18 08:29:09

With regards to my husband, we never came across anything like this before. Before I had my girl I was able to manage (mostly) my anxiety and I wasn't depressed at all.

I also think he's just so impatient with me because he doesn't know what to do. He's very 'get over it'. He keeps telling me to 'be happy' which is obviously solving everything haha.

I sent him some pictures once with my exact thoughts in by an illustrator and he just replied with 'I don't think I can help you with these things, I don't have the right way of thinking'

So what do you do if you have nobody to lean on? If my husband doesn't want to talk to me then no one else does, that's for sure!!

FrozenMargarita17 Sun 14-Jan-18 22:50:58

Well, I've just found a pnd group near me that is on a Monday so if I can get the courage up I'll go to it tomorrow...

user1497997754 Sun 14-Jan-18 22:53:31

Yes def go hope all goes well for you

BrokenBattleDroid Mon 15-Jan-18 01:12:01

PND group sounds ideal - I would definitely go if you can. Also, GPs are not all created equal. Try a different one.

Does your husband understand at all about mental health and/or postnatal depression?
If he's never been unpleasant before and hasn't got a clue about these sort of things then I suppose it's not out of the realms of possibility that he just doesn't understand. A cartoon with your thoughts may be a bit too abstract and out of nowhere if that's the case. It's no excuse though. This is what you're experiencing and struggling with at the moment and he has a responsibility as your partner to be supportive, even if he can't quite get his head round it. Could you show him some of the nhs webpages about pnd?

So what do you do if you have nobody to lean on? If my husband doesn't want to talk to me then no one else does, that's for sure!!

Can totally see why you feel like that^ , but NO! You've rather unfortunately slipped through the net of the healthcare professionals at several points but that's not to say that people don't care about talking to you - lots do. That why there are women who set up these pnd groups etc. I do wonder if you have an outward appearance of coping wonderfully and therefore nobody really believes you when you say it's too hard. Perhaps you need to stagger into the gp bawling your eyes out and wearing pjs crusted in baby sick, unwashed hair and looking as haggard as possible! Obviously kidding, but it's not uncommon for women who appear to be coping well to be missed when it comes to pnd - plenty do care though flowers

It's a testament to your resilience and shows you are doing a good job with your lovely baby though - despite everything going on inside, and all the demotivating comments making it worse, the gp and midwives can see you are being a fantastic mum.

BrokenBattleDroid Mon 15-Jan-18 15:20:56

Did you make it to the pnd group Frozen?

FrozenMargarita17 Mon 15-Jan-18 15:53:06

No sad I fell asleep with baby and missed it. It started at 10 and I woke up at 10:30. I guess I'll try next week

BrokenBattleDroid Mon 15-Jan-18 15:55:10

That's a shame but sleep is important too! As you say, next week.

Keep talking here if it helps flowers

FrozenMargarita17 Mon 15-Jan-18 16:54:28

Thank you. I've struggled today. It's been raining so couldn't take her out until late. She's been whingey and trying to put her down to sleep is just the worst.

BrokenBattleDroid Mon 15-Jan-18 20:56:30

Sorry to hear it's been a struggle. Tomorrow is a new day though.

I remember that rug-pulled-out-from-under-you overwhelming exhaustion with a first baby. It takes over everything if you are finding it hard - a trip to pick up milk from the shops feels like a ridiculous expectation!

How is night time sleep going?

Foggymist Mon 15-Jan-18 21:07:10

What happens when you try to get her to nap?

FrozenMargarita17 Mon 15-Jan-18 21:23:47

I try to go out every day because otherwise we both go mad. She gets bored in the house so I take her to coffee shops or just to the shops. Not even to do anything, just walk around. Sometimes I think that's a bit sad haha.

At night she isn't too bad - she can either sleep 9-8:30 which is wonderful or she's up a few times (12:30,3:30,5:30) but I haven't found a link between daytime and nighttime yet.

Daytime naps she struggles with. She fights sleep with all of her might and will go 4-5 hours sometimes without a nap (and not without me trying!) but will be extremely grumpy. She also won't sleep during the day for proper amounts of time (more than 30 minutes) without white noise on. I'm lucky if I get more than an hour at a time. She sometimes has 2 30 minute naps in a day because that's all I've been able get her down for. It's so hit and miss and sometimes I really just want a little bit of time to have a tea and grab something to eat!!

littlecabbage Mon 15-Jan-18 21:32:08

Hi Frozen,

Just came across this thread - so sorry to hear you're struggling. I agree with others that you come across as a dedicated and loving Mum, who is just having a hard time.

Babies can be very difficult at the best of times, but especially if they won't sleep well, and especially if you have PND. I bet no-one dislikes you or thinks you are an idiot - your perspective is just being skewed by the PND and the lack of decent sleep/rest.

Ignore any "smug mums" you meet at groups who give the impression that it's all easy - it may well be very easy for them - some babies do just sleep well and are easy going, and others are incredibly fussy and poor at sleeping. If you have the latter, it's not the baby's fault and nothing you have done wrong. Just luck of the draw.

I agree that you need to see a different GP and a different counsellor. That GP sounds like she has a real lack of empathy. Can you ask to see a different one? And then ask to be considered for antidepressants and to be referred to an alternative counsellor? Could you afford to find a private counsellor and refer yourself?

Your husband is being so unsupportive, making it much harder for you than it should be. I agree that giving him something to read which explains PND may help. Is it worth having an honest chat with your SIL and making it clear to her how much you are struggling? Perhaps she could spare an hour once or twice a week to just meet up with you and talk?

I also agree that getting out the house every day is helpful. I used to aim to do one thing in the morning (group or walk or visit to shops) and found that the stimulation would help tire the baby and they were more likely to sleep later in the day. Even if that was in the car on the way home, I could usually creep in with the car seat and at least get a short rest myself. But even if not helping napping, getting out does improve mental health and reduce isolation.

Would you consider a "Buggy Fit" type group in there is one nearby? The exercise may help to give you a mental lift, and it can be easier to chat to strangers when you have a task to do at the same time.

Above all, be kind to yourself, and do not beat yourself up. PND is not your fault, you deserve more support than you are getting, and things WILL get better. Stay on here and let us know how you are getting on xx

FrozenMargarita17 Mon 15-Jan-18 21:54:31

I'll see if I can get the courage to go to the GP again.

To make matters worse I have white coat syndrome so I panic in medical situations - I had a home birth !

When I'm having an ok day I can see it for what it is, but some days are so dark all I can think is how bad a job I'm doing.

I know that she's happy and I try so hard with her. I put all my effort in to keeping her happy.

That's why I sent him the pictures. He won't read things - I think he's trying to avoid it all. (he sounds like an absolute ogre but he is a good man, he's just not dealing with this very well but I need him to deal better). He just wants me to get over it and 'be happy'

I tried to attach them but it wouldn't let me.

FrozenMargarita17 Mon 15-Jan-18 21:57:31

Oh and I do see my SIL most weeks - she has two kids and my husband uses her as an example all the time which makes it difficult. I do talk to her but I feel like I can't burden her too much because she has her own things to deal with (husband walked out, now has new girlfriend, kids struggling with this, she's living with my MIL/FIL)

sourpatchkid Mon 15-Jan-18 22:54:26

Honestly you sound like you are doing a wonderful job! And it's clear how much you love your little girl. The mums who make it look easy just have very easy kids (I know, I have one- sorry I'm not rubbing it in, I'm just saying he naps because he's a napper, it's nothing at all to do with what I do for him - it just honestly isn't, babies have different personalities)

She isn't napping in the day because she is fighting naps, not because you're doing anything wrong. No one else will be able to get her to sleep either

It's so so hard being a mum. I'm driven to offer practical solutions which may not actually help but .. have you tried the mush app for meeting mum friends? I just notice it has a PND 'tag' so you could look for other mums who've also had a difficult time?
Also the hoop app is good for finding activities in your area if you did want to other activities.

Would it help to tell your husband how you need him to react if you think he honestly just doesn't know? (Like .. "whatever I say just give me a cuddle, tell me you love me and it'll all be ok in the end" let him
Know he doesn't have to fix it or make it go away?)

Sending you much love and kindness thanks

FrozenMargarita17 Mon 15-Jan-18 23:34:55

Thank you for replying. I did have the mush app but I deleted it for two reasons - 1. I met a lady on there that I then met with for coffee and she was so 'it's the best job in the world' and 'I love being a mum don't you?' And my favourite 'I don't understand how people say this is hard!' And there was I, hair scraped back, sick all over my top which was white so I thought it was alright to go out in and sick all over my jeans but I thought whatever. I'd had no sleep and I felt awful and I couldn't wait to get out of there.

2. The app killed my battery so I got rid of it.

I did start speaking to another lady on there who is very nice but we've never met so far.

I will download the hoop app again. I hadn't used it so I got rid of it but I'll try again.

I really try so hard to not let how I feel affect my baby. I'm sure some days I'm so much less patient than I should be and I feel so terrible about it but she really isn't that easy sometimes, especially when both of us need sleep and she just won't go!

FrozenMargarita17 Mon 15-Jan-18 23:35:56

Sorry I'm terrible at replying I wish it had an actual 'reply' feature where you could see the comment - I forget what's been said halfway through a reply back!

I will try and say that to my husband, I definitely have done before but he loses patience with me very quickly which makes me so sad.

sourpatchkid Mon 15-Jan-18 23:44:01

I loose my patience sometimes too, we all do. Please be kinder to yourself, you honestly sound great to me (and I love a mum friend with sick on her top - I immediately know she's one of mine when I see itsmile)

Ignore those perfect mums, I honestly think some people just aren't brave enough to say "good god this is exhausting!!" Because it is.

Oh love, big big cuddles to you. It's gonna be ok thanksthanks

HeelsHurt Mon 15-Jan-18 23:47:31

You really sound like you are doing a lovely job in difficult circumstances with your daughter. It sounds very hard especially when she doesn’t have a routine that you can rely on to catch a bit of a break . Motherhood is stressful/ tiring and bloody difficult even when you don’t have some shitty mental health issues thrown in.
I don’t have much advice other than keep doing what your doing and take from others that loads of people find it just as difficult as you are . The PND group sounds like it might be a good outlet though.
I have had 3 kids all very different and all at different stages of my life .
I really hope it gets easier and that your partner gets it a bit more . I have terrible anxiety sometimes and funnily enough like you work in mental health . When you know loads of folk in the area you work it makes it even more difficult to get support strangely enough .
My husband has never experienced anxiety , he just seems to go about life with no fear or worry , oh I wish that was me !
He does though just hold my hand if I say I’m feeling really anxious , as really he doesn’t need to say anything just show that he is physically and emotionally there. I think I must have asked him at some point to do that if I said that was how I was feeling so that’s what he does . It helps , even if no words are said cause he is the type of bloke that finds it difficult to find the right words!
Not sure if that would help you two but it might .

FrozenMargarita17 Mon 15-Jan-18 23:53:59

Really I just need him to be patient and just reassure me whenever I say anything but he just doesn't want to hear it which makes me sadder because I feel so isolated in the first place.

I'll try and suggest to him. I'm frightened of being irritating because he says I talk about it all the time. It's been two days since the last time he got annoyed at me and I've answered that I'm fine whenever he's asked if I'm ok. I suppose at least he's asking. Sunday I was walking around in a daze - I couldn't sleep the night before and I was just really sad. He kept asking me all day if I was ok so he does care he just doesn't know what to do. I'll try and talk to him.

I really do try my best. I wish there were more people like me about - I think I'm too sweary sometimes and I talk about how rubbish things are sometimes and I think some people don't want to hear it..

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