Hi
First time poster. Not sure if this is the right place to post but was a bit desperate to 'talk' to someone. Don't really want to let my family or friends know how strange things are so thought maybe some random strangers online could offer advice!
The background:
Beautiful child arrived prematurely and birth was traumatic (aren't they all?!) husband is on his busiest time of work. He didn't really get chance to get everything sorted due to taking emergency paternity leave so he's stressed. He had 3 weeks off but you know what it's like with a newborn. It was just about surviving with a baby. We didn't really get out much and both struggled with lack of sleep.
Since he's gone back to work I've slowly started to get to grips with being a mummy. Ten weeks on and I'm loving the dream! The weather is nice and I'm able to get out and about with my baby - enjoying every second of my precious maternity leave - with the mindset that I need to make the most of this as I'll never get this time again. I have wonderful days then - BANG - I have to come home to stressy rubbish.
My husband is so highly strung st the moment. Every tiny thing I say ends up in an argument. If I ask him to do anything I get a huff or a hesitation or a comment.
I put this down to stress so I can understand how hard it must be for him. Men don't really get father support do they. I've had midwives and health visitors checking up on me but he's had nobody. He doesn't really confide in his family.
I've also wonders if it's jealousy or anxiety. Who knows...
Anyway, when he finally gets time from work he choses to play golf rather than have family time which makes me really sad. This is a frequent pattern. I feel like we're living separate lives.
We're in separate rooms, hardly talk and at the 4am feed I thought I'd catch up on some tv to keep me awake and turned on the TV to find some sex channel on! I saw his work phone on the table and thought if he's watching those sorts of channels who is he texting so I went through his phone. In doing so I have just accidentally called someone in his phone book so I'll get rumbled. Now I feel an idiot or a teenager for doing that as it just makes me look stupid if I get caught.
We're going away on a couple of weeks with his family. Im hoping we will be able to do things together but he's already started saying 'there are some nice little golf courses round there so I will take my clubs'. I feel like shouting 'what about spending time with your child?' He just doesn't seem to get that life has changed. The sad thing is that I hoped he'd want to spend time with me and the baby but he chooses himself instead. I can see why - he says it relaxes him (which is good as I don't want him to be stressed) but st the same time it's selfish.
Loads of other things have happened but I won't go into it. Just felt stupid and guilty for hint through his phone and it set alarm bells off for me thinking I'm rather paranoid or coming to the end of a relationship.
Id say we had a happy marriage before but now u feel the same as I have done when I've broken up with boyfriends in the past. I feel it's going to be a real struggle to keep things going.
Any advice??
I know this is complete waffle but it is past 5am!
Thank you xxxx
As with all health-related issues, please seek advice from a RL health professional if you're worried about anything.
Postnatal health
Help! Our beautiful baby arrived but our marriage has crumbled????
Zigzag22 · 18/09/2016 05:24
A lot of men really struggle at this time - mine did! Both of your lives have changed and, as you said, no one really checks on the dad. He has a stressful job, as does mine. His wife has suddenly turned into a mummy. His wife is still there but at the moment you will be very much focused on the baby (as you should be!) so the dynamic has changed. He will feel a very sudden sense of responsibility to you both - he's a family man now. I threw myself into motherhood too, went to lots of classes, enjoyed mat leave fully. DH had 2 weeks off. The first week was spent in hospital and the second we were zombies. He then went back to piles of work on his desk.
I wouldn't worry about the sex channels. Men have a physiological need to ejaculate and, if he doesn't do it himself, it'll happen in his sleep. It'll help relieve stress too. I certainly wasn't offering my services at 10 weeks so DH's browsing history was probably pretty colourful.
Snooping isn't the best idea but hormones make us do silly things. Apologise.
The next few months will be difficult for you both. The first year is bloody hard on a marriage IME. The golf would really bug me too but it must be what he needs to unwind from work. My DH would go running or piss about on his phone.
Try not to worry as it really is early days 
Crikey. Sounds v stressful. I agree with PP that I think that "society" casts a new fathers in the role of "provider" and this sort of compounds any work-related pressure he is already under. So he comes home from work stressed and then you have changed and he has a new person to contend with in the house as well. If he unwinds by playing golf, do you also get the chance to unwind too? Being alone with baby is not the same as unwinding. If you don't want that at the moment, maybe suggest to him instead of him going to play golf you could eg go for a walk together with baby, at least, some of the time?
When he talks about golf courses for the upcoming holiday, have you tried asking him "but what about your new child?" You wrote that you feel like shouting it; you could shout it but I think if you are able to say it calmly it might help him to come to a compromise. I think it's fair enough to need a break from pressure but he is also responsible as a parent now so maybe some compromising could be done?
it sounds hard. Do you get on with your in-laws? They will have been through having a first baby and might be more understanding than you think even if their ideas are a generation behind yours, IYSWIM.
Honestly, he just sounds like a bit of a dick to me. And you sound far too lovely for your own good. Sorry I haven't got any better advice
Thank you!
I feel he's being a bit of a dick too!!! I've pointed out some of his friends do family things as they post pictures on Facebook. (I share all baby pics on the icloud for family as don't want to post a million pics on FB!)
I asked him two weeks ago to come back into the marital bed as i feed downstairs and it's more established now. He did one night. That was it.
He asked at about 4 weeks when we could start having sex again. I admit I gave him both barrels and said something along the lines of 'that's unreasonable. I've just given birth. We could have sex but I'm still bleeding! Would you want to now?' To which he got the message!!!! I mean do men not get the fact that having a baby does actually wreck your body & your body confidence!
And now I'm healed etc I am not in the mood for that as I just felt tense when he's around me.
I've tried running baths for him, cooking nice meals and so much to de stress him.the other day he told me to 'F. Off!' I said I wouldn't be treated like that in my own home and that I did not want the baby to hear that sort of language. His response was 'can I be dismissed now, teacher.' 
I'm frustrated & sad. I talked to my health visitor about this. She did say it's common as men need to get more back from babies and they become more involved as time goes on.
I was hoping a week away would make him realise that parenting is full on but so rewarding. I was thinking he wouldn't have work to stress about but then he thinks he's packing his golf clubs! I'm going to sabotage this idea anyway by packing everything but the kitchen sink - the baby bath, the bouncer chair, a suitcase etc! 
Men do NOT "need" to ejaculate - that is simply physiologically incorrect.
If they wish to ejaculate, there's always masturbation.
ZigZag, you and your DH need to find a way to talk and listen to each other - if it gets too fraught to quickly when it's just the two of you at home consider doing it with a counsellor in the room - it keeps things civil and gives both of your the space to say what needs saying.
From what you are writing he sounds like a selfish, immature person who thinks that his life will continue as it was after the arrival of his child - he needs to be put right.
Both of your lives have changed, for ever. It will never be exactly the same as it was before - you are now a family, no longer a couple. Things are more complex and more focussed on the new arrival.
Things will improve, your attention won't forever be so much on a tiny baby, they do grow up and become less dependent.
It took me 15 years of marriage to understand that apparently part of my role as a wife was to be my DH's 'fluffed', booster of his self-esteem and general cheerleader to His Wonderfulness.
Well, as PP have said, fuck that.
You two need to speak and listen to each other.
Set out your stall, let him voice his expectations. And then see if the two of you can live with each others expectations.
Good luck. And big congratulations! 
And yes, this 'men need to adapt' to having a new baby - yes, sure they do, but so do women! While they are having the physical recovery from birth to deal with. AND they usually are doing the majority of baby care.
What is HE doing to make things nice for you? Running you baths? Taking you for nice meals? Being specially nice to you?
No?
Thought not.
Prick.
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