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As with all health-related issues, please seek advice from a RL health professional if you're worried about anything.

I feel like a bad Mother.

(13 Posts)
MrsMxo Mon 15-Aug-16 11:30:57

My baby is 3 weeks old, he is my first child.. And my last.

I never thought i would be writing this, but i feel like the worst Mother in the world. My Husband works away too provide for our family, so i am limited to help. I dread the thought of being alone with my baby, i am constantly watching the clock counting down the hours until i will see a member of my family or a friend.

I feel like i am going insane, i find myself just staring into space and completely drowning out all other sounds around me, usually my babies cries.

I have not, and never will hurt my baby. But i'd be lying if i said i had never thought about it. When i come to the realisation of what thought has just gone through my mind i burst out crying and feel worthless, i feel so selfish. Why have i been blessed with such an amazing child when there are people out there who would give there life for what i have. Which is why i feel so awful about the way i'm feeling.

I never ever thought i would feel this way, i thought motherhood would come naturally too me, i was wrong.

My boy deserves someone so much better than me as a Mother, and it kills me to say that.

cwtchesandcheese Mon 15-Aug-16 15:54:35

Hey sweetheart,
Congrats on your little one. I'm a first time and new mum too- our little ones are the same age too smile Honestly, I'm being told I'm doing a great job and I still feel overwhelmed at times and I do have my hubby and family about. Give yourself a break, being a mum is the hardest job in the world. But it's the nice bits inbetween that make it all worth it! Your three weeks postpartum, hormones crashing, sleep deprived, and recovering from childbirth. I think your doing a great job! flowers Your boys three weeks old, obviously your doing something right. wink If you really feel like your completely and utterly struggling that's okay, that doesn't make you a bad mum neither does reaching out for some help. Do you have a health visitor that may be able to provide some support or mum and baby groups locally to you. Big big hugs. I know exactly how you feel. When I'm having those moments, I stare at my little ones face and think wow I made that! You are a good mum, no one else can replace you! sending genuine first time mum hugs, your doing great smile xx

MrsMxo Mon 15-Aug-16 17:16:18

Thank-you, it feels amazing to know i am not alone. I knew being a Mother was never going to be an easy job but i never once thought it would be this hard both mentally and physically.

I find myself having a good day where i go all day and night without being stressed or having bad thoughts, and then i completely go and let myself down. sad I have never suffered with any kind of depression, so i don't know if its my hormones or if i have PND.

One of the main things i hate is just not having 2 minuted too myself, the minute i settle him down he is awake again and i'm back in the same old routine.

Everybody is telling me that this is the best stage, and that petrifies me... If this is the best and i'm like this, what the hell am i going to be like when he gets older?!

cwtchesandcheese Tue 16-Aug-16 06:30:09

It is hard work, you are definitely not alone. Right now I am quite anxiously watching my daughter just off for a nap after six hours of my husband trying to settle her. It is a bit of a shock to the system, and it doesn't make you a bad mum at all admitting how hard it is. Yesterday I managed to go out to McDonald's for a cuppa and a muffin all by myself with my daughter, (that felt like a massive achievement!!!) On the really hard days/times, I bite my lip and I get on with it. At the moment my baby is a bit sick, she keeps vomiting in her hair etc The other morning was a nightmare. I have dyspraxia (poor hand eye co-ordination) and I can't wash her by myself, I struggle practically holding her over the bath/sink. So I decided to do her a baby bath on our bathroom floor. It leaked!! And flooded our dining room at 6AM blush my husband was not happy!! She threw up on herself during all of this, etc. No-ones underestimating how hard it is Hun, I'm a very positive person and in those moments that make me want to rip my hair out, Just peservere.
Not having time to yourself is equally frustrating, however, on that one, I think one day I will be old enough to be a grandmother and I'm sure then I will have all the time to myself in the world. Right now? It's one step at a time, take each day in your stride. Babies are hard, but you can do it 😘 Xx

cwtchesandcheese Tue 16-Aug-16 06:38:24

But these are my favourite things my daughter does, she pulls hilarious faces especially when she's doing a number two, the way she's starting to stare at everything in utter amazement and she smiled at me for the first time the other morning!!! (that filled my heart) It's all worth it babe, don't fret it you're doing really good. stay positive and don't beat yourself up xxx

Minkybinkyboo Tue 16-Aug-16 06:47:41

I honestly believe the first few months are an endurance test. After my first baby I was in shock for weeks and it felt like a never ending circle of feeding and nappies! It will get easier though and you will find your way. I'm not sure that anything can actually prepare you for the huge change to your life. Having my second was actually easier as I knew what to expect! As previously suggested speaking to your HV is probably a good idea - but it's ok not to feel everything is perfect ( they are bloody hard work!)X

icklekid Tue 16-Aug-16 06:51:14

Your post really resonated with me. I was clock watching until dh got home so can not imagine not having that each day- you are doing a fantastic job! this is not the best stage or for me it most certainly was not! Far better from 6 months on when start to actually interact and become a proper little person. Now ds is 2 and makes me properly smile and laugh and is just amazing- and I've started again with another newborn but anyway...

Make sure you have plans to see friends or family every day. Getting out of the house and having adult conversation saved me! Get some good box sets/netflix/prime so you can rest with baby and watch tv. Make sure you have snacks/ drink before you sit down. I found a sling amazing as had 2 hands to make a drink whilst ds was still content.

If you are concerned about pnd talk to your health visitor or gp. Better to speak to them and be honest and get the help you need than be worrying and feeling so down.

You can get a routine back, eventually they nap regularly for hours at a time (sounds blissful doesn't it?!) And you get some you time each day. Would any of your friends/family take him for a walk so you can rest. Right now the lack of sleep will make everything seem 100x worse. You will get there.

pocketsized Tue 16-Aug-16 06:53:43

I didn't like the newborn stage at all. I felt miserable, isolated and exhausted. My daughter is not 17 months, and I love this stage, shes walking and starting to talk and properly play and have a clear personality. I never understood how anyone could suggest that the first couple of months were anything other than totrute that just had to be survived. I really recommend reaching out to your GP or health visitor though, I wish I had done this much earlier than I did. They were very supportive and I think I may well have found the first few months much more bareable if I'd reached out sooner. It does get better, and you are not an awful mother. Babies are hard.

SnakeWitch Tue 16-Aug-16 07:34:06

It really is hard and you're not the only one who feels like this. Everyone feels different in the various stages, I will freely admit I thoroughly disliked the newborn stage - and that's fine. You may find you love 6-12 months as you will have a vastly different child by then, they really change so fast. There will be bits you like, honestly, don't worry that you're not like a fakey advert mum with a newborn as that really isn't reality (the one who is all smiley and smuggy in a pristine white kitchen and picks up a sleeping baby without waking it - WTF?!)

If you are at all worried about PND please go see your GP. They tend to be very understanding. You may just be tired and readjusting, or you might need a referral to a support group, or you might need some medication (totally fine). They are there to help and want to support you to feel you're doing OK.

You are probably doing a great job. Babyhood is tough, go easy on yourself.

littleladybird14 Tue 16-Aug-16 08:01:57

Ahh OP congratulations on the birth of your DC flowers. I have a 4 week old, my second DC, who has been awake most of the night so feeling tired to say the least! I'd forgotten about these early days and just how testing they are!
Honestly these first few weeks are hard, you're settling into some sort of routine, figuring things out.
I went through similar anxieties with my first DC and resounded myself as being a terrible mother. I begged DH not to go back to work and leave me alone as I was so worried I couldn't handle things myself. I self criticised everything I did and got myself into quite a hole! Eventually I broke down at a visit to my GP when DC was 2. I ended up having CBT therapy to help with depression and I discussed my theory on being a bad mum. In response the activity we did was to plot on a line of being a 'bad mum', at first she asked me on the scale to plot where I thought I would fall, I of course chose the far end of 'worst mum'. She then asked me to describe what I considered the very worst of mums to be like - so I discussed abusive, not feeding child, drug addict, Jeremy Kyle type, you get what I mean. She then asked a simple question, am I anywhere close to this? The answer, no! Whatever you think of yourself as being a 'bad mum' you really aren't in the grand scheme of things! You're 3 weeks in to a life changing situation and adjusting as best you can. I've had some moments where I look back and think I I shouldn't have done that, I should have dealt with that differently etc but that's all part of the experience, learning and knowing that you're doing your very best at each stage. This early stage is very testing! You're tired, emotionally and physically drained and yet looking after this tiny baby who wants feeding every few hours and you're thinking this isn't easy like everyone says! It does get better, you'll get into a rhythm and before you know it you won't even think twice about things your doing, they just become norm - it's like learning to drive! You stall a few times to begin with but before you know it you're changing gears without even realising you're doing it!
I'd definitely recommend planning days out / going to classes. Getting out of the house and meeting other mums was one of my only reliefs during those testing times, you'll be chatting about the same anxieties with other mums and realising how everyone is going through the same thing - even that super mum who looks so relaxed and natural!!
Try to not criticise yourself and what you are doing, to your baby you are perfect in every way - you don't make mistakes, you feed her, bathe her, clothe her, she loves you - don't forget that xxx

MrsMxo Tue 16-Aug-16 14:21:25

Wow, thank-you everyone for your kind words.

I am feeling so much better and positive today! I have managed to get out of the house and go for a long walk and its made me feel amazing.

Motherhood is definitly not what it says on the tin! I think what my problem is, is that i can't get used too my life not being about just me anymore.. i suddenly have this amazing little boy, and his needs come way before mine.

Husband is amazing although working away, he tries too support me the best he can. We knew this would be the situation before i became pregnant, but didn't realise how hard it was going too be.

I don't think i have PND now i have had time too think, i believe its my hormones and the fact that i was stuck in the house ALL day with no adult conversation.

You're all absolutely amazing and so supportive, its amazing to know that other people felt like me at one stage.

I know im not a bad Mother, i'm not perfect but im certainly trying my best just as we all are. smile

Savannah13nbump Sun 21-Aug-16 16:32:10

Hi, I felt exactly the same with dd1 I actually felt like it for five months, everyday of those clock watching until oh got home, it was an awful time and I felt the same as you, my dd1 is now almost three and the past two years have been the best, you will forget how you felt, so much so I know have a 11 day old ds and the same feelings are back, the only way I'm currently getting through is knowing I will not feel like this forever and soon i will have the little boy running around I imagined, everyone else is right newborn babies is not what it's cracked up to be, but soon you will feel completely different and even miss some parts!

samks Fri 26-Aug-16 18:25:50

My little boy is nearly 12 weeks old and I'm starting to feel like I've got control now, the first few weeks were AWFUL, I also didn't enjoy it at all and felt terrible for feeling like I wasn't coping. It is so hard,don't beat yourself up. I kept saying to people no one talks about how hard this bit is, all anyone ever says is how you forget about the birth and the early weeks. I didn't believe them but I'm starting to understand that now.
You're doing amazingly, the fact you're worried shows what a lovely mum you are. Take any help you can.
Look after yourself.

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