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As with all health-related issues, please seek advice from a RL health professional if you're worried about anything.

Worried about my relationship with my son

(6 Posts)
Veuve1999 Mon 25-Apr-16 08:52:06

This is my first post.

I went through a lot to have my son who is now 8 months old. I have a successful career which was always my driving force but like many mums, I'm struggling now to understand where I fit in to everything. I have now been offered the job of my dreams, but accepting it would mean re-locating, and it would be a very demanding (and full time) post, so obviously I'm worried about accepting it for all the usual reasons. My current employer is offering me a part time contract in my existing location so I suspect I will end up staying where I am. As I'm sure you know, these are difficult decisions and I feel a bit like "I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't" because either way there is major sacrifice, And I'm sure I'll have regrets from both decisions.

The main issue I'm worrying about, though, is how I feel about my relationship with my son. I'm on the verge of Turning down the biggest (and most rare) job opportunity I'll probably ever have On the basis that, 'surely I'll never really regret prioritising my son' kind of thing - but the thing that's suddenly struck me is how under-confident I feel as a mother. I am confident and successful at work but as a mum I feel doubtful and as though my son prefers everyone else to me. My husband has worked away ever since I had him so it has been me who has had to deal with all the 'crap' on my own. All the hard bits have been down to me. But now my husband has found a job nearby and is home more, my son absolutely adores him and I no longer feature. I feel like I do all the crap bits and then my husband swoops in and gets all the glory (and smiles!). It's like I've become invisible or something. My son lights up with my husband and my dad, but doesn't seem to notice me, and it has broken my confidence completely. I feel so selfish for thinking about it all from my own point of view but it's making me want to keep my distance and just hand him over to my husband all the time. But at the same time I worry that I'll damage him psychologically by not being all 'mumsy' with him. I no longer feel natural (not that I ever did completely) - I just feel tense and rubbish. My husband is cery supportive generally but just things I'm being silly and is getting protective towards my son, lik I'm being the horror or something. I just want to get out for a while so I don't damage him emotionally or something by seeming cold. Of course I love my son and all that but I never saw this comining in a million years. I didn't have the best time post natally but I thought I was getting the hang of it - this has blown me out of the water - I never ever thought I would feel so awkward and unnatural supposedly doing the most natural job in the world. I do think there is a touch of depression but I don't think that's what this is about - I just thought the one thing I could count on is building a relationship with my child, but it's not happening and I'm really scared. It sounds so awful but I would have accepted losing out on the new job to concentrate on my son if It was all more 'happy' but now I fear that I'll resent him for it based on the fact that he doesn't really seem to like me 😔😔😔😔
my husband has had a promotion which obviously I'm really proud of him for but now the topic of conversation with any one we meet is all about my husband's exciting new career prospects and my husband s glowing relationship with my son now that he is home more . No one even notices me and as the mum I feel like all criticisms are directed at me, whilst my husband gets all the "oh he takes after his daddy being so smiley/sweet/handsome blah blah" - I'm told that my son "looks nothing like me" and is completely different to me in natur because he is sweet, and I apparently I was a pain in the ass as a toddler etc etc. I can honestly say that no one has said anything nice to me at all recently - generally people just seem to want to tell me what I'm doing wrong.
Anyway I'm sorry I'm rambling now and I'm sure this is the longest post ever,
I'm just so upset.

Thanks for any help. Xxxxx

Flamingo1980 Tue 26-Apr-16 06:16:14

I completely understand this. It was at 8 months that I started to feel my child reject me and I went into a deep and long lasting depression. It was no coincidence that this was when she learned to crawl, so she could and would quite literally escape away from me. The most painful experience I have ever felt and I wouldn't wish it on anyone so I really feel for you.
Take the job. Take the job take the job. If it doesn't work out then you can quit but then you won't spend your life wondering and also resenting your son and potentially your husband.
Ask your health visitor if there is a PND support group in your area. This was the one thing that saved my sanity. I spoke to the mums with problems and it made me feel like I wasn't the only one and really understood.
Also if you take a full time job and see your son less, then YOU will be the novelty that he smiles at when you come home - not just your husband. Just a thought!
Where abouts in the country are you?

Veuve1999 Tue 26-Apr-16 15:40:06

Dear Flamingo1980,

Im sorry that you had a rough time. Do you mind me asking how things are between you and your daughter now? Obviously, I don't like to hear you had a hard time too, but I can't tell you how good it was to hear from someone who understands, so thank you. My husband is generally helpful/understanding but I think it's hard for the guys to really understand what it's like, and what a big change it is - he just can't get his head round why I feel like this.

It was lovely having someone tell me to take the job, too. I have been looking in to how to make the move/job work.. But, again, I'm tackling it on my own because my husband is miserable at the thought of moving, so isn't being particularly helpful/positive. He just keeps talking about what a difficult decision it must be for 'me'. Anyway, you have re-invigorated me to keep looking in to it to see if I can make it work! I definitely will look in to PND support too. I contacted pandas this morning.

Again, I'm sorry that you had a lengthy depression - I hope things are better now? I actually suffered from it twice when I was a teenager, so I recognise how horrible it can be. I really hope you and your daughter are well now.

Lots of love X

Flamingo1980 Tue 26-Apr-16 21:40:14

Things got better when I started to feel more satisfied and happy in my life and not so dependant on my child for happiness. They can feel it and they feel suffocated. When I got a career and a house I liked things instantly improved and she actually came to me for cuddles and said she loved me. It took two years and boy was I unhappy but it was also I just wasn't happy in my life generally. That's why I urge you to rethink your career change!

whattodoforthebest2 Tue 26-Apr-16 21:58:13

I think if you have a good career going on, it's easy to think that you could or should be able to 'nail' being a mum too. But, of course, it isn't easy and it doesn't come naturally to many women. You being happy and fulfilled in your job will make your home-life better I expect and it'll take time and patience and gradually things will improve with your son when his mum's enjoying her job. In time, motherhood won't seem such a minefield either. flowers

Flamingo1980 Wed 01-Jun-16 07:38:38

How are you getting on vueve?

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