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PND or just lack of sleep?(7 Posts)
I have a 2 year old DS and a 7 month old DS. DS1 is an absolute angel, was an easy baby, and is an easy going toddler. DS2 is the complete opposite, he can wake up to 4 times a night (though this has got better recently, normally wakes twice now) he cries every time he is put down, and even whines alot when I'm holding him, doesn't seem to do this with DH, he will sit quite happily on his lap.
I've been feeling really low for a while now, and it has got bad recently, so bad that I'm struggling to hide it, and have broken down in tears on DH almost every day this week. We were talking the other night and I suggested the possibilty of me having PND, but he shrugged it off saying it's just sleep deprivation and he knows that DS2 is hard work, but that it will get better soon.
However, I can't see an end, I don't feel like it is going to get better, I feel so low about everything, I don't want to get up in the morning, sometimes DS2 is crying to get up in the morning, and I cover my head up for 5-10mins until I can drag myself out of bed, I know that sounds awful, I also feel like I haven't got the great bond with DS2 that I have got with DS1, and I feel so much guilt about it. Sometimes when I get to breaking point I tell him that I wish I had never had him, please don't judge me, I feel awful enough about it, and I know he is only a baby and can't help the crying, but I just feel like an awful mum when I can't make him stop, and I don't know what is wrong with him. Some days I fantasise about just taking my toddler and running away, I cry all the time, I feel like my life was better before I had DS2, but then I feel like the worst mum in the world for thinking that, I know I love him because I fear that things will happen to him, silly things that are unlikely to happen, like a truck crashing into our house and killing him, or a dog running over and mauling him. I go back to work in two months, and I'm dreading that, I also have very bad anxiety about my toddler starting preschool in Sept when he is 3.
Will this pass? Will I feel better with more sleep? DH does help, but works 12 hour shifts 6 days a week, I have family near, and my sisters and parents are great, so I'm not on my own, I don't understand why I feel like this...
Oh I feel like I could have written this!!
Small children are hard work. It's exhausting. The first year is the hardest.
I tell friends that are expecting that this feeling is totally normal. Having babies is not all sunshine and flowers, it's really bloody tough!
You do it the first time, it's totally overwhelming, but somehow you struggle through and just when you can see daylight, you do it all again!
It's not necessarily easier the second time either! Each child has different needs and personalities - and you never feel exactly the same about each baby because each time is different to the last.
You are not alone. Everyone I speak to feels the same as you. We all love our babies dearly and equally. It's still hard work! Don't feel guilty.
Speak to a good, sympathetic gp. Mine was amazing and helped me to get Cbt for my severe insomnia after what I believe was PND.
Only you know how you feel, if you are struggling then ask for help. Don't let it snowball into something seemingly impossible.
I say this with kindness, but your DH will never completely understand. Men, no matter how involved they are, do not experience this in the same way we do. You need to take care of you and remember that what is good for the goose is good for the gander.
Make the most of family and friends. Have some child free time. Try to get a bit of a lie in occasionally when DH can help (spare room? Stay at your mums?)
Treat sleep as if it is your main priority. I don't mean before the kids , but any household chores, errands, jobs should come second place if there is an opportunity to have a lie down. You will function better after a bit of rest and be more efficient. If you are exhausted and starting to flag, take a break. Be strict about this.
Happy mum - happy family.
I could also have written your post, I've been where you are. DS is now 3 and DD just 1, it's been the hardest year of my life.
Like you, DC1 was a dream, DC2 has been awful. No sleep, frequent waking, distress, whining and nothing like the happy baby I knew of dc1. To be honest I think this was one of my problems, I felt conned and almost betrayed by people who had convinced me that "second babies are always easier" because I was so ill prepared for what really lay ahead. My expectations of myself and the situation were far too high and as such I felt like a complete failure as a mother to either child and as a wife to DH.
I remember walking round in a daze, unable to think, remember, process.. I felt like I spent ten months desperately trying to get DD to sleep.
At 7 months I took myself to the GP convinced I had pnd. I am still sure I did but never furthered it, my GP offered some good advice though which was that if I did not change something, the situation would stay the same. It was true.
We went away for a few days and she started napping properly in the day. A month later I stopped BF and she started sleeping st night. Three months on I am like a new person but I won't forget those very dark and difficult times.
So you need to change something, break the cycle. Is there anything you can think of that you'd like to try? Small changes are ok, don't expect the world.
Lastly, you're very lucky to have supportive family. Please lean on them. I had no one to help me at all, despite having two brothers and one set of parents round the corner. Not once did anyone offer to help me despite my please, in their mind I'd done it before, second child is always easy right?
Good luck op, you're not on your own. Your babies adore you. Break the cycle I whatever way you can.
How are you feeling now op?
I feel similar to you. I actually have a 7 year old. He was a dream baby. Ds2 (8 months), not so much. I love him and bonded with him instantly but he's so demanding. He still wakes at night and he screams really loudly over everything. I can't even change his nappy or babygro without him fighting and arching his back and trying to crawl away.
I'm sick of everything at times, I feel like ds2 has taken everything from ds1. I'm sick of cleaning the house for it to be like a bomb has gone off the next day.
I've been so tearful this week.
I'm under loads of pressure too. We might be moving house to a new town and I'm really conflicted about it. My team at work are relocating so I don't even know where I'll be working when I go back.
Dh does his share but is out of the house 12 hours at work.
I also imagine taking ds1 and running away.
I've been considering going to the doctors but I don't want to end up dosed up on pills.
Oh you poor thing OP. It sounds so stressful for you. I only have one and I feel like I'm drowning some days! My 8 month DD doesn't sleep, has never slept well. Nights are currently awful. She wakes up so many times I've stopped counting.
When I told my health visitor how bad it was, she referred me to counselling. We don't think I have pnd, but I'm definitely struggling. I'm hoping it will help at least with my anxiety. Can you access a counselling service?
We're keen to have a second baby but if this one isn't a sleeper either, I might just run far away....
I also have 2 DS's - DS1 was and is the most smiley and lovable little boy - he's 21 months now and has his nursery keyworkers wrapped around his little finger as they all adore him! DS2 is only 2 months old and so far couldn't be more different - very colicky, slow to gain weight, and rarely smiles. I know it's early days but I'm filled with fear that I will never bond with DS2 as well as I did with DS1 (although I love him so so much). I'm not getting much sleep which is definitely hindering the situation. It all feels so overwhelming at the moment and I'm terrified that things aren't going to get any better.
Thankyou for replies, seems that the feeling is quite common, I guess alot of parents feel this way and put on a brave face for the rest of the world?! I know I do, I don't like to admit that I'm struggling, took weeks to even tell my husband how I feel.
Pyjama- I'm having up and down days, more down than up, now that my husband realises how hard I'm finding DS2 he has stepped up even more, he did help before, but now he will come in from work and take him from me to give me a break. I also feel bad for DS1 as DS2 takes up so much of my time, poor DS1 will just sit there and wait bless him, while I try and settle/work out what the hell is wrong with DS2. Thankfully on DH's days off he has been entertaining DS2, so that DS1 can have some Mummy time and viceversa. I haven't had a complete breakdown in tears for a few days now!
DS2 screamed for almost 2 hours straight this afternoon, which made him sick up all of his dinner, I have never known a baby cry and scream so much.
He actually slept through the night on mothers day!!! But hasn't since, on average he now wakes around 10, then again at a random time between 2 and 5, then up at 6ish. So slowly improving in the sleep department (I think, touch wood) though wake ups can be anything from half an hour to two hours :/
Hope you all start feeling a bit better soon X
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