Could this be PND?

[PregnantAndEngaged]

I have an 8 month old.

Backstory: The start was bad, couldnn't establish breastfeeding which made me feel a failure at the time, I didn't really get out much or have much of a social life, sleep was bad, I had to cuddle him to sleep all day which meant I got no time to myself. I did find it hard to establish a real bond because I just felt such a burden of responsibility, it felt like a job rather than something I was doing because I loved him.

Things then improved. At 5.5 months I started to really really feel a strong love to the point I'd look at him and just think how beautiful he is and how lucky I am. I sleep trained him at the beginning of January and he started sleeping in his cot, I started to feel like a half decent mum, playtime was good fun, and we got a good routine going. Moved him to his own room recently and his sleep went up in the air again, barely napping and waking loads in the night, however the last couple of nights he has gone through the night so can;t really complain, although his daytime naps are still a bit rubbish. But point is, I am not sleep deprived anymore.

However, lately I am just feeling regularly down, probably for the last 3 weeks or so. I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach about returnign to work; I feel I am going to miss him so much, plus I am just dreading going back to normality - I don't really like the job, and plus my manager is only giving me 4 days training even though I'm going back to different work. I feel really agitated and irritable when my son won't nap, or if he works too son, and his crying just really irritates me and I feel like I;m being so cold hearted saying that. I do really adore him and can't believe how cute and lovable he is, but I still sometimes feel almost resentment when he won't nap, or if he's crying etc. I sometimes just feel like I need to not be a parent for a while. But then I get the conflicting thing that I do love him and don't want to be apart from him really (which is probably another reason I don't want to go back to work).

I don't cry regularly. But I feel very low spirited, can't really be bothered to do anything least of all be a parent (however I'd never neglect him so I am doing so but under the feeling of being forced into it rather than out of genuinely wanting to do it :( ), feelings of dread about returning to work from maternity leave, feeling lonely and just generally fed up. However this has only really started in the past few weeks. I don't breastfeed so can't put it down to hormonal changes from stopping/reducing feeding from weaning. Am I just a selfish bitch :(

[PregnantAndEngaged]

*if he wakes too soon, not works too son!

[BoyGirlBoy3]

Sounds pretty normal reaction to me. Starting a new job would be stressful enough, and things always seem worse until you do them. In my family we always say give it 2 weeks, and in reality it never takes that long, to get used to the new circumstances. It is not all fun looking after babies, it is proper work, look forward to the time you will have in an adult setting, and look forward to collecting him, and going home. I think it is really important to remember something you like, i used to like really nice toiletries, they gave me lift, my sister's friend used to like meeting up with her girlfriends to smoke a cigarette. Only you know what raises your happiness. It is another world when they are 18 months, and they potter around on their own a bit.

[glowfrog]

You don't mention the dad - are you doing this on your own? Sometimes you just need to share your anxieties as that stops the guilt - honestly, I sometimes feel like I spend half my waking day feeling guilty about stuff - that turns into anger if I can't share it. So in many ways everything you're describing sounds normal, if you see what I mean. I can't help on the PND front as I'm having my own issues on the matter but maybe you should see a GP if you're really concerned.

In any case you're dealing with a lot, try to give yourself some kind of break, even if you can't have a literal one.