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Post natal depression worries with second pregnancy(1 Post)
I just wanted some advice from other ladies and mums here as there is only so much I can discuss this with my husband.
I have never had a good or close relationship with my mum. Growing up she was very critical and would constantly compare me to others- her friends kids, my cousins, and so on. Our relationship hit rock bottom in my teens and has really never improved. Nothing I did was good enough, and she let me know that. If I got a B in my a levels she expressed her disappointment it wasn't an A- when I got into a great university to study media and journalism then that was 'not a proper subject' and why was I not doing law like my cousin or languages like my mother wanted me to do. When I got my first apartment after university she complained it wasn't big enough/the bathroom was too small even though I was incredibly proud of this beautiful apartment in a really nice part of London. She's never really had anything good to say, only criticisms.
When I met my now husband things got a lot worse quickly. She became distant, picked faults at the wedding, and when i told her of my struggles with Ivf (we had been trying for over 2 years with no success with no obvious issues other than pcos) she simply said 'yes a friend from work did ivf you just have to get on with it'. No support, no love and certainly no understanding. We stopped speaking during my entire first pregnancy. She didn't make any effort to try to resolve that before my son was born and afterwards went crazy that she wasn't at the birth and that she only found out through a friend I had given birth (I had wrote her letters and emails with my set c section date yet she point blank refuses to admit that and says she was never told the date) Anyway, she eventually turned up to see our son when he was 5 weeks old. Gave me a brief kiss and said hello then within seconds started going on that our apartment was too cold, that the baby wasn't dressed correctly, that she would 'show us how to bath a baby' taking the baby into the bathroom to do a full on bath! As if after bathing him daily we still after 5 weeks were not getting to grips with bathing him 'correctly'?!?!
After she left I broke down. I don't know what I was expecting maybe a miracle and this idea of a loving mother I so badly want but have never had. My son was perfect but I struggled from day 1. It was a combination of a few things. My son was born with a slight hand defect that was never picked up on any scans I had done. Even though he is perfectly heathy the shock of his hand really shook me. With that came guilt, and blame, what had I done to cause this and wracking my mind for months thinking what I ate, or did that could have caused this. I was in total shock, extremely emotional from the lack of sleep, horrid recovery from the c section including an infection of the scar, emotional I didn't have my mother, and of course my husband could do no right and I'd snap at him over the silliest smallest things. I was crying all day long, sometimes I knew why other times I didn't. It was a horrible horrible time. But that visit from my mum just sent me completely over the edge, a 3 hour visit. I so badly wanted her to say how proud she was, how well I was doing as a mother, the usual things- instead it was just your doing this wrong or that wrong.
I had 5 months of counselling weekly and managed to avoid anti depressants and I started to enjoy life again. Over the next year I kept my mum at a distance, short texts to see how she was and from her how the baby was doing, but if she occasionally wanted to meet I'd find excuses not to, if I did see her for the odd afternoon I usually regretted it and would be upset on my way home.
Fast forward 2 years and I am so happy to be pregnant with our second child. I couldn't be more happier even though this pregnancy itself has been really hard. With my son I had a big appetite, ate what I wanted, went to the gym, did pregnancy massages and really had an easy lovely pregnancy! I'm now 5 months pregnant with a baby girl, and I don't know if it's that it's a girl this time but I've had awful nausea and sickness up until the 4th month. And in the last few weeks an awful virus I picked up from my toddler! And certainly have not had the time or energy to step foot in a gym or a massage (what is a massage lol?!!) I've been feeling quite 'blah' even though I'm so happy to be pregnant. But it's just not so easy to enjoy when you already have a 2 year old very active toddler to chase and who's just getting into the terrible 2s!
Since I told my mum I was pregnant again she seems to have made more effort to come and see me rather than just text. It's always ackward and I sometimes feel I'm sat with a stranger, for a moment somewhere I may catch a glimmer of a real mother/daughter moment but this is soon gone. My son is now 2, and as he grows up she's just finding different things to criticise. She now will regularly ask me in a patronising way if he has enough educational toys, or that he shouldn't be in nursery yet, or her newest one- why is he not potty trained yet and that I was using the potty at 1! (He has literally just turned 2) I have explained that I was waiting until he was 2 and for his language skills to improve as nursery won't get involved with it unless he can communicate to them he needs to wee/ poo/ potty. Plus I've had a horrible first trimester, sat over the loo most days with barely enough energy to get up let alone think about potty training at that time. I told her only 1 girl in his class uses the potty so he's hardly so different. But she goes on and on. It's got to the point where anything I say she will find the opposite. So silly but I was talking about packing for our upcoming holiday how I had a full suitcase for my son, and how I was bringing all his nice shirts and clothes to dress up for dinner in and to this she said 'he only needs 3 t shirts 3 shorts and a jumper that's it let him be a kid not dress up'?! I'm just thinking what...?? He's in his trackies and t shirts every day at home so he can get muddy in the park/ messy at nursery, this is his only opportunity to wear his nice clothes when we go out for dinner etc ... She then proceeded to tell me that I should give him to her for a week and that 'she will sort him out' including his tantrums as she 'worries they are not normal there is something wrong with him?!' And potty train him as he should be by now. I take all this from her regularly but tonight I just said to her calmly (I am trying to not fall out again) that he simply doesn't know her, he's met her a few times in 2 years for a few hours here and there how can I take him to get house and just leave him there for a week?! (She lives 4 hours away!) I said this is his home, he has his bed here, his toys, his mum and dad, his cats... ''Oh he needs to try new environments don't be so silly he can sleep anywhere!' She just doesn't KNOW him at all. And by saying that its basically her saying I am not doing well enough, I'm not good enough that she will 'sort him out and teach him'.
He's a normal full on 2 year old toddler boy of course he's going to have tantrums! Of course he will get frustrated! all his friends are exactly the same! I am so confident in being his mother. I am SO lucky to have the most amazing parents in law who tell me all the time, and a living supportive husband who is reassuring me every day. My son and I have an amazing bond we cuddle and kiss all day long, he's happy he's healthy, and he loves nursery, he thrives there (he goes part time) I have a lovely life and love my son and husband to bits yet there's always this black cloud hanging over us- my mother.
I SO badly want this good relationship with her but I feel it may never happen. She's just the same as always. I thought with my new pregnancy this would be a fresh start but it seems not.
I'm giving birth in 4 months and with already starting to feel down (and I really hope/ think that's all it is) I don't want to get full blown PND again. I don't even remember my sons newborn days anymore as they are just replaced by this thick fog. I feel I missed out on so much with him I'm determined not to go through it again. Of course, I still may, but I'd like to do everything I can this time around for it not to happen.
My parents in law have offered to come to stay with us for the first few weeks to help and take my son to nursery while I recover from the c section properly etc. However my mother is saying she would like to come too after they have left but on one hand I'm thinking I'd really appreciate the help and finally I may get this wonderful mother by my side I've dreamt of my whole life but on the other... Sets in reality. She is one person that can make me so insecure, doubt myself and worst of all doubt myself as a mother.
I think that this time the baby is a girl I am SO determined to have the relationship I never had with my mum, anything she tells me to do automatically in my head I want to do the opposite just to spite her. How can she think she can give me all this ''advice'' when she got it SO wrong?!
My husband has lived with this situation for years. At the beginning he tried to help, to encourage me to call her but he's now said enough is enough and I have to put my health and my babies first and that this relationship is just too toxic. My mum will never agree with me on anything, and will always deny things she has said/ done in the past including my childhood/ teen years. She claims she was a great mother and I'm just too sensitive. And I am sensitive- so we do agree on that- but WHY am I, wouldn't anyone be.
My mother in law (who I love to bits and we call each other at least every other day/ go on holidays etc) had never once said any of the things my mum has. I feel so constantly let down by her.
But I also don't want to fall out I don't think that's good either. If I tell her she can't come I need to think of a good reason why not.
I so badly want to bond with my little girl right away and just be happy. I don't want to waste the first half of her year in a thick fog like my son. I also would like a normal relationship with my mother and I can't seem to let that need go.
If anyone can offer any advice I would appreciate it very much x
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