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Anyone else felt like this? Any Advice Welcome(9 Posts)
This is my first post on here so please bear with me.
I had an elective section 17 weeks ago and have struggled since the birth of my baby girl. It took us 3 years to finally conceive and I think I had put parenthood on a pedestal but it just hasn't come naturally to me.
My section went slightly array and my LO ended up in NICU for awhile due to being born with pneumonia, this has made me overly wary of her breathing as they had to resuscitate her. (the nurse took my LO away and didn't let me know what was wrong for over 2.5 hours)
Since then I have been overly anxious, I deal with this by scratching, cleaning, crying haha!! I am under a councillor who is doing cognitive behaviour training but I just don't feel I am dealing with what happened when she was born.
I don't feel any maternal bond with her and feel like someone has given me their child and they will come and take her at some point. I know some people may think that I am a horrid mother but I provide for my daughter and do love her I just cant seem to let myself fall for her as I am worried something will happen and she will be taken from me.
Has anyone else felt like this and if they have please can you give me advice on how to get out of this... its also hindering my relationship with my husband as he feels he needs to stay in with me as I don't like to be left on myself with the LO, he has had a lot of time off work and losing his job is now a big worry.
Please help xx
Bumping this up for anyone who could offer better advice.
Well done on recognising that something isn't right. You might want to contact the labour ward, ask if you could discuss your birth with them to get a better idea of what happened and why. Do know that you're not the only person who has felt this way. No matter how much you think you're prepared for being a parent, it's a shock. You're tired, hormonal, you have a whole tiny person to look after as well as yourself!
it took me ages to get my head around motherhood, I didn't feel the instant bond everyone goes on about, it's taken ages to feel happy and close to my child but I truly love him now (he is 2), whereas before it all felt a bit unreal and I was in a real state for a long time. The love has grown as he has.
i had bad PND and it sounds as though you might have this too. Especially after a difficult birth, I also had a hard birth, which may affect things as well.
Having a baby and the postnatal period is hard work and I really feel it's mythologised by people gushing about the wonders of motherhood etc. This makes new mothers who don't feel that way feel awful or like a bad parent. It's hard work and don't feel guilty for feeling this way. But do know that it will get easier with every month and the love will grow as your child does. The child's personality and your attachment will develop together.
It does sound as though you have post natal depression and may need treatment for it. Have you discussed it with your GP?
As the poster above mentioned I think you can get counselling through your hospital to go through your birth etc. This is well worth doing.
It will get easier and you will feel more human in time.
Also I think there are usually post natal depression groups you can join via your local children's centre. This is well worth doing if you do think you have PND. Have a chat with your health visitor about it.
also it's worth noting what constitutes PND, the anxiety etc is classic. this will pass in time so don't stress. maybe google PND symptoms for more of an idea. I don't think I even realised I had PND until I had come out the other side. I thought it was something other people got.
your gp may be able to give you some anti anxiety meds which might help make things a bit easier.
another thing about early motherhood is that it all feels as though it will be like this forever but take heart that it will change and get easier and easier. one day you will feel like your old self again, trust me! it might take a while but each month a bit more of you will come back...and eventually you'll be able to do things like take a shower on your own, brush your hair etc without baby crying, find time to put on makeup again, sleep through the night, have a conversation with your child. it will happen!
sorry for multiple posts...i also did hear you can get PTSD from a traumatic birth, the stuff that happened to your daughter after she was born and them not keeping you informed sounds so traumatic. So maybe it's worth looking into that with a health professional.
Sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
Those early days are bloody hard work, throw into that sleep deprivation and for many people it's a killer.
Your story is pretty much how my birth and early days were.
My dd was born via ELCS, however shortly after birth was taken to scbu as the medics believed she had meningitis, she was there for 8 days and pumped with anti b's and anti virals every 4 hours, she had to undergo a lumbar puncture at 4 hours old. It's horrific seeing your new baby in an incubator with tubes everywhere.
Upon returning home I was so so anxious and also like you I didn't want to be left alone with her. My dp took 6 weeks off work as I was a mess.
I too felt no bond whatsoever, absolutely none and I hated being a mum, I found it suffocating, draining and missed my easy pre baby life so so much. Those early days when they give so little back are pretty boring and the days and nights seem so long.
At 6 months I knew I wasn't feeling as I should and went to the doctors where I was given anti D's. For me I found they didn't work. The only thing that helped was time! Time to get my head around the fact my old life had gone and I had new responsibilities. Time was as they say a great healer.
At 9 months old something changed and I started enjoying motherhood a little more and dd got a bit easier. Fast forward and she's now 22 months and she's bloody adorable and I love being her mum. Saying that I don't want anymore children as I couldn't put myself through those first 6-9 months again. It's still hardworking being a parent, but not anywhere near as hard as those early days.
I promise you it does get easier and much more enjoyable as they get bigger and start sleeping through, crawling then walking and talking.
Many of my friends have felt this way too, but pnd is still a bit of a taboo subject and when I said to certain people I felt no bond they looked at me like I had 2 heads!
Keep talking, surround yourself with as much support as possible. I wouldn't have got through it without my dear mum and ex dp (yes sadly we broke up, but are still very good friends and he's a fantastic dad) get out even though you don't feel like it, so many days I just wanted to stay in the house but my mum forced me out of the door and it does help.
Good Luck and I hope things improve for you very soon. It's a tough thing you're going through now but it will get better I promise.
I personally think it's nonsense when people talk about not remembering what life was before their children. I remember exactly: I drank lots of lovely wine, slept well, woke up in the morning and then went back to sleep for a couple of hours, went out the house without a bag full of nappies! No matter how much you want children and think you are prepared it is still a total shock when they are actually awake in a basket next to your bed. I didn't feel any love for my daughter to begin with. I felt enormously protective of her and adored her as a tiny newborn who was complwtly new but the love took a while and at six months its still developling. I didnt have anything like pnd but part of what your describing I think is a very common feeling. Going by your photo your dd she is clearly healthy, well cared for, happy and loved.
Sorry to hear how you feel. Lots of good advice above. Have you discussed your thoughts about the birth with your counsellor - I think it would be a good idea to find someone who is experienced in working through traumatic births / neonatal periods. Your health visitor could make some enquiries. Mine got me contact details for the labour ward supervisor who offered a debrief service - I foolishly did not take this up in time, became pregnant again then it all came flooding back when I had an appointment to discuss how my second baby would be delivered after my previous emergency section.
As someone else mentioned, your children's centre may run a group for mums with PND-type issues.
Your daughter looks absolutely gorgeous, congratulations.
First time parenthood is overwhelming, but it does get easier.
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