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As with all health-related issues, please seek advice from a RL health professional if you're worried about anything.

Bonding with new baby

(5 Posts)
Sandwich84 Wed 22-Oct-14 15:54:55

It has been three weeks since my wife gave birth and she is still having difficulty feeling any attachment to our little girl. She has told me she feels very guilty about this but there is nothing she can do, she just cant force herself to feel anything. What's worse is that she is even beginning to feel resentment towards our baby for restricting her freedom, costing so much and taking up all my time (I am totally smitten). She feels terrible about it but she feels like her worst fears are coming true and she is not really cut out to be a mum as she is too selfish.

I am at a loss to understand what is going on. We are married (been together eleven years now), financially secure and we chose to have this baby. I have never had any reason to believe she might be a bad mother, in fact I thought she would be amazing. All I can tell her is that this is just a phase/possibly hormones/possibly post partum depression as I am sure with only 3 weeks since the birth her body is still adjusting. However, she tells me she can't imagine loving or wanting the baby and has begun to have very guilty fantasies about walking out and never coming back. She has made it clear she would never hurt the child but the thought of her dreaming about walking out on us both breaks my heart.

I don't know what to do. I had three weeks paternity leave but need to go back to work soon. My wife is dreading me going back as she doesn't want to look after the baby. Do any of you have similar experiences that might help me to understand what is going on.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie Wed 22-Oct-14 15:58:03

I think you need to try and get your wife to see a GP, or talk to the midwife/health visitor. She sounds like she is struggling and may be suffering with pnd.

It took me a while to feel a proper bond with my son but I would be worried about the feeling that she wants to walk out. I hope you both get the help you need soon. smile

Sandwich84 Wed 22-Oct-14 16:19:58

She insists it isn't PND as she says she feels fine when she spends time with her friends or at the livery yard (her hobby is horses).

Also she doesn't really believe a psychologist/GP/antidepressants could make her love our baby.

chocolatesolveseverything Mon 03-Nov-14 07:03:56

I'm sorry I don't have time to post properly, but your wife isn't alone. I too took a long time to bond with my baby boy. It was the most distressing aspect of my pnd. There are no magic solutions, but time will make a difference. Please please encourage her to talk to her health visitor as I found discussing and being honest about my feelings really helped. Also things like baby massage and getting out and about with the baby so they became my 'sidekick' helped to ease my resentment. Could she wear the baby in a sling and go down to stroke, feed, talk to the horses for example?

SellMySoulForSomeSleep Sun 09-Nov-14 23:54:33

It took me until my DD smiled to bond and love her. So almost two months.
I just muddled through till then.
I thought there was something wrong with me but the more of my friends/family I talked to admitted they took a while to bond and had thoughts of disappearing as well.
Its just overwhelming. The massive physical and emotional changes.
Just carry on loving your wife and supporting her like you are and it will all be fine.

i think i worried so much because i didn't feel that massive rush of love at first. My DD was a slow burner but after 5 months i cant imagine life without her.
(Although i wouldn't mind nipping off for a few hours!)

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