Guilty for feeling angry

[jadey24]

I have a 3 month old dd who i love dearly.
She is the most wonderful thing in my life and i feel greatful to be her mum.
She is my only child so this is just completly new to me and still adjusting.

Motherhood kinda came natural to me and i just got stuck right in..i felt so nervous when i was pregnant with her worrying if id know how to look after her and what to do but it just came to me and i feel confident looking after her now.

Im usually a very placid person. I hate negative feelings and feel uneasy around people who are angry because it upsets me and scares me. I dont like those kind of emotions.
I never got angry untill i became pregnant..hormones. Normal it will pass. I hated it and got really upset and felt guilty all time for taking it out on people. When i was pregnant there was a lot of stress going on at the time that didnt help and this continued after the birth too.

Thing that upsets me is i still anger easily.
I dont know if its my hormones or what.
My periods have returned to normal ok.
And i feel anger and resentment for my dd which makes me feel like a really bad mother.
Id never hurt her i dont feel like hurting her but i feel angry at her.
Its more when she cries and ive done evrything i can to calm and sooth her and cant figure out why she is crying i get angry out of frustration with myself and her.
I shout at her and i try so hard not to and know this will make her worst but it just flows out my mouth i have no control. I dont want my child to be surrounded by that kind of stuff. I never imagined id be like this.
I not told my friends and family because i dont want then to think im not coping. I feel i am in every other way just not with my anger. When she cries for short periods im fine its just when it goes on and on for most the day. When she isnt crying we have lots of fun and laughter..well i do she is still learning to laugh.

I dont know what to do. Im scared to go docs incase they think im unfit mother. I have had history of depression in past and had a major breakdown 6 years ago ( been ok since tho) but worried they may think i wont be able to cope and intervene with my dd.

[ThePenguinProject]

Oh Jadey you poor thing. I don't want your post to go unanwsered, but it may not be seen by lots of people here, so please don't think people are ignoring you.

I have no experience of (diagnosed) depression but my firstborn was 4 months yesterday, so I completely understand your post.

Everything you have described is completely normal. When babies cry, it is bloody frustrating. I also find myself getting intensely irritated at not being able to do "normal" things without huge amounts of planning - a quick shower for example.

You are being incredibly hard on yourself when it sounds like you're a great Mum who is doing brilliantly. I don't know how I'd have managed the last 4 months without ranting on MN and to RL friends. Have a read of the antenatal thread for your month or come and join us on the June one if you wish. You will see that you are completely normal and hopefully that will give you the confidence to speak to someone in RL about this too.

Now go give that darling daughter of yours a cuddle and repeat to self "I am a fantastic Mum".