Talk

Advanced search

Is it supposed to be this hard?! :(

(17 Posts)
charlieschoc Wed 12-Aug-20 15:24:52

I need a break. If that makes me the worst mum in the world, then I will accept that.

DD is coming up to 6 months.
Mentally I’m struggling with a lot of things.
I’m getting 2/3 hours sleep on a night as she isn't sleeping very well. She's constantly waking up and being unsettled.
She's not sleeping during the day unless she's attached to my boob using me as a dummy (I've tried a dummy and she isn't interested)

I get absolutely zero time to do anything around the house during the day as she won't let me put her down to nap so I have to sit whilst she suckles on me and sleeps and then when she's awake I'm spending time entertaining her.

I don’t get chance to eat lunch without rushing and feeling sick because she wants me to pick her up or doesn't like it if I leave the room.

I don’t feel like I get anytime away from being mummy to just refresh to be the best mummy I can be!

My husband is at work all day, he gets home at 4.30 and I start the bedtime routine at 6pm so I only have an hour and half with him, and that time is spent one of us cooking tea and us sitting down to eat.

Once we put her to bed around 7 I stay up with her so that I can get some sleep as she's waking every 45/50 minutes during the night.

My husband has tried to do the bedtime routine to give me that extra time to myself, but it's impossible as she won't settle without boob and she gets really upset with him, she's even started grabbing her face and scratching herself because she gets that upset looking for me.

I can't really ask family to help me out as we're socially distancing and haven't yet had family around to hold her (since March)

I love my baby so much, but I feel like it's just non stop and the days are all just rolling into one.
I feel like we're lacking any sort of routine and I don't know how to establish one or even if we can at this stage.

I don't want time away from her, I just need short break each day to refresh, because right now all day is spent taking care of her right up until her bed time and at that point I go to bed too.

I want to be the best mummy I can be but I don't feel like I can do that if I'm not getting some down time.

Please tell me how we can improve things.

OP’s posts: |
charlieschoc Wed 12-Aug-20 15:28:38

I feel so incredibly guilty even writing this post. I'm sat looking at her and I'm in tears feeling so bad for how I feel.😞

OP’s posts: |
msflibble Wed 12-Aug-20 15:42:21

Oh OP, you poor thing. Early motherhood is isolating, exhausting, and frequently boring - and we're often plagued by guilt too, when we aren't overjoyed by how incredibly taxing it all is. You aren't the first mum to feel like this and you certainly won't be the last. I remember I couldn't even take a shit without having DD in the room, sometimes she'd even cry until I put her on my lap and fed her.

However if you feel she's really much too clingy you could ask the HV to come by and see if they think everything is normal. A child I know had an undiagnosed inner ear condition for the first 6 months of his life which obviously made him very difficult and therefore it could be an idea to get someone in for a second opinion if you feel things aren't quite right.

However, it does unfortunately all sound quite normal to me. You could try night weaning so you can get some sleep - it didn't work that well for us but lots of friends had success with it. Let your DH sleep with the baby for a couple of weeks with you in another room. He can comfort her if she is upset that you are not available - but I wouldn't recommend that he lets her cry it out. Once she gets used to sleeping without feeds, you can move back into the bedroom again. It didn't stop DS waking up at night for us but did reduce wakings.
There is more info available online about various ways to do night weaning and other posters might be able to offer other methods. With a bit more sleep you'll feel more human and better able to care for your wee one!

Having to go through early motherhood against the backdrop of coronavirus too is likely to be taking its toll, so don't forget that and please don't beat yourself up for having an entirely normal reaction to a very stressful situation!

charlieschoc Wed 12-Aug-20 15:45:18

msflibble

Oh OP, you poor thing. Early motherhood is isolating, exhausting, and frequently boring - and we're often plagued by guilt too, when we aren't overjoyed by how incredibly taxing it all is. You aren't the first mum to feel like this and you certainly won't be the last. I remember I couldn't even take a shit without having DD in the room, sometimes she'd even cry until I put her on my lap and fed her.

However if you feel she's really much too clingy you could ask the HV to come by and see if they think everything is normal. A child I know had an undiagnosed inner ear condition for the first 6 months of his life which obviously made him very difficult and therefore it could be an idea to get someone in for a second opinion if you feel things aren't quite right.

However, it does unfortunately all sound quite normal to me. You could try night weaning so you can get some sleep - it didn't work that well for us but lots of friends had success with it. Let your DH sleep with the baby for a couple of weeks with you in another room. He can comfort her if she is upset that you are not available - but I wouldn't recommend that he lets her cry it out. Once she gets used to sleeping without feeds, you can move back into the bedroom again. It didn't stop DS waking up at night for us but did reduce wakings.
There is more info available online about various ways to do night weaning and other posters might be able to offer other methods. With a bit more sleep you'll feel more human and better able to care for your wee one!

Having to go through early motherhood against the backdrop of coronavirus too is likely to be taking its toll, so don't forget that and please don't beat yourself up for having an entirely normal reaction to a very stressful situation!


@msflibble thank you so so much!! daffodil

I'm finding the lack of support so hard.

I don't really have mum friends and haven't had much opportunity to make them because of lockdown.

I don't have many people to discuss things with so never know if what I'm experiencing or feeling is normal.

OP’s posts: |
icantremembermylastusername Wed 12-Aug-20 15:45:51

Oh @charlieschoc, I wish I could put my arms around you and give you a squeeze. It is so, so bloody hard!

First of all, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Everyone needs a break; even if it's just a little time each day. You sound like a bloody amazing mum.

Do you have the wonder weeks app? Could your little one be going through a "leap"? I know it's not a solution, but it always makes me feel a bit better knowing there's a reason for the fussing.

I can't offer any advice on her needing the boob to settle (as we don't breastfeed), but generally speaking things do seem to get easier.

In terms of bedtime, my little girl hated her dad at bedtime! We had to introduce him to it slowly (if that makes sense). To start he'd just sit in the room with us, then I sat in the room whilst he did everything and finally he can do it solo. We had ( and sometimes we still have) tears, but as long as she's not getting into a mess, I try and leave them.

I know it's not ideal, but in the immediate term could your partner take your little one for a walk or just play for an hour as soon as he gets home. Get some microwave / ready meals so that your not spending that time cooking so you can have at least a bit of a break.

I'm sure someone more knowledgeable than me will be along soon. What I do know from your post is your little one has an amazing mummy. Please be kind to yourself (I know this is easier said than done) xxx

msflibble Wed 12-Aug-20 15:47:04

oh I forgot to mention a good fix for not being able to do stuff during the day - can you get a sling and put her on your back? A manduca or an ergobaby or something. I used to put DD in one and she'd sleep instantly. then I could do a bit of cleaning or cooking. It's not a perfect solution but better than sitting down all day...

Katao Wed 12-Aug-20 15:47:12

I'm sorry I probably don't have anything hugely helpful to say so hopefully someone else will but I just want to say you sound like a great mum. It sounds very hard, it's totally understandable to feel how you do. it won't last forever. You say she is 6 months, have you started weaning? That might help when some if her appetite/ focus goes to solids and not just breastfeeding. Can daddy take her for a walk or give hera bath or something distracting while you get a break here and there?

msflibble Wed 12-Aug-20 15:53:16

OP it's all normal! And no need to thank me - as a new mum I came here full of similar questions and was comforted in similar ways by other women so I'm paying the favour back I suppose smile
New motherhood is really bloody tough. I think if society was honest about how hard it actually was it might discourage a lot of women from going through with it! But it does get a LOT easier. Once your LO starts being able to move around things won't be so intense. These early months are only temporary and one day you'll wake up having forgotten things were ever this hard. Hang in there, you're doing great flowers

charlieschoc Wed 12-Aug-20 15:54:05

icantremembermylastusername

Oh *@charlieschoc*, I wish I could put my arms around you and give you a squeeze. It is so, so bloody hard!

First of all, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Everyone needs a break; even if it's just a little time each day. You sound like a bloody amazing mum.

Do you have the wonder weeks app? Could your little one be going through a "leap"? I know it's not a solution, but it always makes me feel a bit better knowing there's a reason for the fussing.

I can't offer any advice on her needing the boob to settle (as we don't breastfeed), but generally speaking things do seem to get easier.

In terms of bedtime, my little girl hated her dad at bedtime! We had to introduce him to it slowly (if that makes sense). To start he'd just sit in the room with us, then I sat in the room whilst he did everything and finally he can do it solo. We had ( and sometimes we still have) tears, but as long as she's not getting into a mess, I try and leave them.

I know it's not ideal, but in the immediate term could your partner take your little one for a walk or just play for an hour as soon as he gets home. Get some microwave / ready meals so that your not spending that time cooking so you can have at least a bit of a break.

I'm sure someone more knowledgeable than me will be along soon. What I do know from your post is your little one has an amazing mummy. Please be kind to yourself (I know this is easier said than done) xxx


@icantremembermylastusername

Thank you!! 💕

Yes I do have the Wonder Weeks app and she is actually in a leap, for the next 21 days.shock

I do have a carrier and a wrap sling I've got an online support meeting with our local sling library as I'm not really confident in suing them, but hopefully they will help with that.

OP’s posts: |
charlieschoc Wed 12-Aug-20 15:59:14

@Katao

I have started weaning but we're doing baby led and she's not really having much at the minute.

OP’s posts: |
Mylittlepony374 Wed 12-Aug-20 17:43:00

My first baby was similar.
You have my sympathies. It is such a difficult, isolating time.
My first suggestion & I know it's not ideal, would your little one go to sleep for your husband if he took her for a drive? My husband used to do this, drive her around for half an hour in the evening (she was also breastfed & refused to go to sleep without it) while I had a shower/ stared at a wall/ contemplated my life choices. He could then lift her in to bed. It was precious time I got to myself.
We also had a battery operated swing chair that have me 15 mins peace at times.
It's tough but you get through it and now they are super cute toddlers who are easy (mostly). .

Purpleartichoke Wed 12-Aug-20 18:12:52

I had a high-touch baby and it was absolutely exhausting. I couldn’t step away from her without her screaming. My DH ended up having to do all the housework and cooking after he came home from work because all I could manage was to take care of her.

Around 9 months we got her to start taking a sippy cup and that really helped. Once that happened I could leave the house for an hour and she wouldn’t spend the entire time I was gone crying.

She is now 11 and is still a person who has some intense emotional needs, but she is smart, independent, and creative. When I am sick she offers to bring me drinks.

I know this time is hard, but it will pass eventually and you will know that you gave your child what she needed to flourish. In the meantime, sleep whenever you can, get out of the house alone even if it is for 15 minutes, and outsource or shift whatever chores you can off of you.

RunningAroundAgain Thu 13-Aug-20 14:06:45

I'm so sorry... I read an article the other day and it basically said "you're not doing it wrong, it's just that hard", so please don't doubt yourself or get consumed with guilt, and most importantly don't compare yourself with social media

Caspianberg Thu 13-Aug-20 15:58:45

Could you shift bedtime back. If it’s was more like 8pm, then you would have help from dh 4.30-8pm and a bit more time for him to help entertain her.

Otherwise can you try and get her napping in pram? My almost 4 month old has been napping better since in pram and not always on me, and gives me a breather from holding him even if he is parked up next to the sofa. A walk around the garden often sends him off

Alison18031 Thu 13-Aug-20 16:13:36

Our first was like that and I would just accept the fact that all babies are different. I was jealous of the mums who can pop their babies in a bouncy chair at playgroups and go for a tea and a chat with other mums and babies would just sit their happily playing with their feet. Mine always needed lots of interaction, carrying around, change of scenery, toys. But now this child is at a highly selective school, reading and doing mental maths at a level 3.5 years above current age. My other baby is much more chilled, no beep at all all day, just plays, eats, sleeps by the clock, so much easier, just a different baby;)

Alison18031 Thu 13-Aug-20 16:15:40

So my advice is just keep up with the great job you are going and it will pass and you’ll be surprised how quickly it passes

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear Thu 13-Aug-20 16:20:36

I had a baby who woke every 45 mins and who wasn't happy unless being held. It also had no support network and it almost killed me.

However it does get so much better! I found sleep improved when he started nursery at 9 months and the clinginess disappeared as soon as he could walk at 10.5 months.

He is now 4.5 and an utter joy and I love parenting. Give it another few months OP and I really do think things will improve.

When I was really struggling people told me challenging babies become easy toddlers, I don't know if it is true but it certainly was for us. No issues with tantrums etc. This will get better I promise.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in