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Childbirth experience behaviour of babies father- cold

(13 Posts)
Kimora81 Thu 21-May-20 00:30:15

Just wanted to share my story and see what others think or if they experienced the same.

My pregnancy was back to back and so apparently the worst pain you can experience for childbirth.

My pain killers had worn off and it was too late for anything else, so I felt everything, it was so unbelievable the pain I'm not sure how I did it but what hurt me mentally more was the fact that he offered me no comfort. The midwives told him to hold my gas and air but apart from that he juts stood there like a potato !
No holding my hand, no kisses and he never once said he was proud of me.
Even a year on it still hurts me I can't seem to get over how emotionally cold he was to me. I have spoken about it but he juts says I was imagining it but I wasn't I remember very well thinking how cold he was. It was like bizarre. Like he had a stone heart.

Any thoughts x x

OP’s posts: |
Ilovecats14 Thu 21-May-20 00:43:02

You felt it all but you had gas and air? I was high as a kite on gas and air couldn't have told you if my ex was in the room tbh.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend Thu 21-May-20 00:45:35

If you had gas and air you probably weren’t as aware of what he was/wasn’t doing as you think you were.

Ragwort Thu 21-May-20 00:54:11

What is his behaviour like since then? Is he kind and loving towards you and the baby?
I honestly can’t remember much about my DH during our DS’s birth, I do think hospitals can be very unsettling places to be in when you’re not the patient- you really don’t know what to do & don’t want to get in anyone’s way.

But surely there is more to thiS if you are still worrying about it a year later?

Ilovecats14 Thu 21-May-20 00:54:55

I only had gas and air, what other painkillers do you even mean? Gas and air was amazing I full on hollucinated that everyone had rabbit ears. I had the mask and was taking full advantage of it abit to much.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend Thu 21-May-20 00:58:27

I full on hollucinated that everyone had rabbit ears.

grin

titnomatani Thu 21-May-20 01:07:24

Gas and air didn't do anything for me- I was told it'd be all I needed- bloody lies.

Anyway, if it makes you feel any better, my husband decided to go through my handbag and reorganise it by getting rid of old receipts, arranging the coins in order of size in the coins compartment and sorting the notes from highest to lowest denomination. He also asked me if my three lipsticks in there were absolutely necessary for me to carry around and why I had loads of used tissues in my bag. This while I was vomiting from the pain of contractions. Fucking shit. I realise he wasn't just being an arse but he didn't know how to help me and was scared/lost (sadly a recurring theme in our marriage). I'd tell your partner you're disappointed in him for his reactions/responses and then leave it at that if he's otherwise a decent human being/dad. If not, perhaps there're other things you can do- such as LTB.

onetiredmummy13 Thu 21-May-20 01:10:29

Was he maybe just in shock and didn't really know what to do ? Maybe he couldn't handle seeing you in that amount of pain and didn't know how he could help you ?

Walnutwhipster Thu 21-May-20 01:14:41

DS2 was back to back and also a precipitous labour (45 minutes from first twinge) and I can vouch for the pain. I didn't have any pain relief because there was no time but have had gas and air many times since due to a medical condition and your memory may not be as reliable as you think it is.

emptyplinth Thu 21-May-20 01:17:22

Gas and air was completely ineffective for me.
It sounds like he was overwhelmed.
I wouldn't hold that against him but I would be concerned that he's dismissive of your feelings about it.

RubaiyatOfAnyone Thu 21-May-20 01:25:48

I’m afraid you have to actually set out and consider the options you have available to you:
1) forget about it (Possibly with the help of counselling) and concentrate on the present and future;
2) talk to him about it and try to get a positive resolution (eg an apology, an acknowledgment of how it made you feel, or a plan for what he should do differently if you have another);
3) talk to him get no apology/ acknowledgement but forgive him for making a stupid and hurtful mistake because he has other good aspects;
4) talk to him, get hurtful answers. have a blazing row about it and end up splitting up;
5) do nothing and seethe resentfully for years to the detriment of your own mental health;

I’m not saying which is better, just that there probably isn’t much else on offer, so you have to work out which would be deal breakers for you.

Fwiw, to those saying they were out of it on G&A, it affects everyone very differently - i’ve had it for birth and a colonoscopy and it barely touched the pain and definitely didn’t make me high/hallucinate. I wanted to snog the anaesthetist when she arrived with my epidural...

AmICrazyorWhat2 Thu 21-May-20 01:42:37

He was probably scared shitless and thought it best to just stand there and let the professionals help you.

My DH wasn't much help during childbirth, he's squeamish and made sad faces every time I winced at a contraction - I asked him to leave at one point because I wanted to hit him, his "understanding" face was so irritating! grin

Honestly, OP, your DP was out of his depth and clueless. At least he didn't faint.

WingingIt101 Thu 21-May-20 02:03:54

Dd was back to back so I empathise fully. I did manage to have an epidural though so well done you for managing without!
I can’t remember where dh was during the birth - I can’t picture where he was stood, I can’t hear what he was saying when I cast my mind back etc. I’m 7 weeks post partum.

I told him the other nig I couldn’t remember where he was or what he was saying and asked him to talk me through labour from his perspective and emotions With no judgement for anything he might say. It was fascinating. He told me things I couldn’t remember and about how scared he was seeing me in so much pain. How useless he felt because there was nothing he could do - he was told my midwives to stand in a certain place where ultimately I couldn’t see him but he was out of the way as things became more urgent, he was talking and encouraging me throughout but at the end I was so focussed on what I needed to do I can’t hear him. It helped fill some gaps but importantly recognise that - to use your post - at times he felt like a potato, and a potato that was also scared and overwhelmed beyond anything he could have mentally prepared himself for. But that he couldn’t say anything because it was supposed to be me being supported etc. He talked about having more respect for me and my body than he realised was possible and that in the moment dd was born he felt overwhelmed with pride at what I had done.

He just hadn’t known to say it, or how to say it and me asking and giving him time and space to talk through his experience of the birth was really important and special for us both.

Maybe just ask him without leading him

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