Mums that have recovered from Pnd do u still reflect on past?

(12 Posts)
Chikito Sat 24-Nov-12 22:19:11

Hi. I had my ds 5 years ago and suffered from Pnd which got diagnosed when he was < 1 yr. It was a really difficult time and I ended on AD until DS was 2 and a half. My dh was very supportive but my mum and close family were absoloutely not. It was a case of, what have u you to be depressed about! I did see a psychologist during my Pnd And the major conclusion that we came to is, I had been critisised so much as a child and growing up that I was putting huge amounts of pressure on myself to be a perfect mum.( my parents have critisised me constantly and still do) I have fully recovered but find myself now reflecting on the difficult years with guilt. I am a newbie to mumsnet and just wondered how other mums have been.

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IDismyname Sat 24-Nov-12 22:23:51

I had ds 14 years ago, and I still remember my PND.... however, it was during a part of my life that has changed, now. I accept that it happened, and that I've now got over it.
I guess I've moved on, but have the utmost sympathy for those who suffer from it. When I volunteered for Homestart, it was my 'specialist subject'!

Chikito Sat 24-Nov-12 22:28:49

Blue2. Did u go on on to have any more children? We decided not to but Dp has changed his mind although he's not putting pressure on me.

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frankie4 Sat 24-Nov-12 22:40:28

My period of pnd has really affected me although it was over 10 years ago. I think that although you can recover from it, it never really leaves you totally. I went on to have another dc and did not suffer from pnd , and I really enjoyed having my second dc as I felt so normal compared to the first time. I do sometimes think about how hard it was, and can now be prone to down days, but I have never been as bad as I was.

I also had no support from my dp's as they have no understanding of depression and kept telling me to think about how lucky I was. And I was not really diagnosed with pnd as I hid it as I wanted to show I was coping so didn't really get diagnosed til 2 years later.

Don't look back on the years with guilt as it really isn't worth it. It can only get better for you over time, and if you have another dc there is no reason why you would get pnd again, and if you did at least you would be more aware of it and where to get help.

didireallysaythat Sat 24-Nov-12 22:43:27

I had PND with my first, started AD after 6 months for around 2 years (CBT not offered). I don't think I enjoyed or became a confident mother until around 4 years. When I was pregnant with my second I was so convinced I was going to have a bad time again (although I knew I would seek help sooner) that I ended up seeing a doctor at 38 weeks and being diagnosed with anti-natal depression.

And touch wood, two years on from my second, I'm doing ok. I haven't moved onto AD although I am not as happy as I was pre-children, but I think that's just the stress of the responsibility - I'm a naturally pessmistic person I think.

I'm not saying that we had a second child so I could prove to myself that I was capable of being a natural mother, but my confidence is a lot higher (as you would expect second time around). I was however so relieved when I found out I was expecting a boy the second time around - if I had had a girl I'm convinced I would have spent the rest of my life trying to have a better/different relationship with my daughter than I have with my mother. One day she will smile and congratulate me (college, getting married, getting pregnant etc etc) but until that day I really can't waste time on her.

Chikito Sat 24-Nov-12 22:51:05

Im absoloutely fine now but don't understand why I think about it now and again. I definitly don't want anymore children. I love my son to bits and feel I'm a good mum. I sometimes resent the way I was treated after having ds by my mum. I give him loads affection, love and new experiences that I never got as a child. I still have to see my mum a few times a week do I can be a' good daughter' but feel my anxiety builds up just standing outside her house.

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frankie4 Sat 24-Nov-12 23:01:13

Why do you have to see your mum a few times a week? My mum stresses me out sometimes too, but I chose when I want to see her and sometimes leave it a few weeks. I feel that I now have to put my own dc's first.

Chikito Sat 24-Nov-12 23:48:19

I have my father who works away and dh constantly saying I have to see her because she is lonely and it's the daughterly duty to help out any way I can. It stresses me out, before during and after lol!! Its awful speaking about a parent like this but she critisizies me in ever ever aspect if my life. Her answer to my Pnd was to go and do her housework do it would get my mind off things. These r her exact words !!

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frankie4 Sun 25-Nov-12 22:37:50

Chikito - my df said to me that I enjoy being miserable! So you have my sympathy.

I think that you have to move on from your parents, even if you do have to visit them. I try to only talk to my dp's about happy superficial things which makes it easier as there is less that they can say to me that would be hurtful. I think my dps are from a different generation, when they did go through hardship at times and did not complain. They think that any form of depression is the fault of the person for not being happy enough.

Please do not let your mum make you feel anxious. Maybe you should try to see her a little less often, and maybe when you do see her go out with her to the shops etc so that there are less opportunities to sit and talk and listen to her.

Chikito Mon 26-Nov-12 17:30:46

Thanks frankie. I will take ur comments on board. I've even though of moving away but dh thinks I'm ridiculous! Due to my cultural background I'm expected to always be on hand, if she needs me etc, ' coz families stick together' and ' friends are not important compared to family.' it's taken me years to realise that she doesn't like me having a life apart from her and the immediate family. If I met up with friends, there would be constant critisism, now I just don't tell her. I hate feeling so bitter towards her, but if I don't call even for one day, it's a case of' oh, so ure still still in town r u' .

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Chikito Mon 26-Nov-12 17:33:37

Think, I'm jst looking for an outlet for my anxieties and grievances, don't think mn is it though. Or can ppl discuss things here Of this nature?

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frankie4 Mon 26-Nov-12 22:57:36

Mn is normally a great place to discuss anything like this, but this thread is a bit empty! Maybe you can also keep a watch out for other similar threads to join in with. Being on mn has made me see that loads of other women have suffered pnd, and that we also do not have to accept negative behaviour from parents.

I understand how difficult it can be if you feel you have to speak to your mum a lot. I would try to scale back a bit if you can on your phone calls and visits and say to your dh that her negative attitude is bringing you down, and that will impact on your relationship with him and your dc. When you see your dm just try to rise above it, and come back into mn!

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