Hi ladies,
can you help? I am married to a Muslim (I am Catholic but not practising). We have three children - 12, 10 and 7. Two years ago my husband stopped them attending all after school activities and started them attending madrasa at a local mosque. I was stunned as this was done without discussion but didn't fly off the handle, managed the situation and over time we revised it so the girls attend madrasa on a Saturday morning and our son attends three times a week. He has swimming lessons/football training on the other weekdays.
Recently, we have been called into the school twice because our son is not concentrating/telling lies and being disruptive. I attribute this in part to him not getting any time to simply free play with friends after school so he is doing that during school time. I requested to my husband that we reinstate one play date a week in lieu of swimming lessons (he has achieved a great level in swimming ASA level 9 and I am happy for him to stop the lessons). Husband agreed. I told our son who was ecstatic. Then husband told me today that he is going to take son to madrasa four days a week in future now that swimming has stopped and if I want a play date then son has to stop football (which he knows I won't stop as son loves football).
I feel like I have no input to how our children are being raised. They have to come straight home from school to say their prayers. They cannot go to friends houses to play as they have to be home to say prayers. I tried to negotiate one day where they could do a play date and for girls it is not so much of an issue but for son it is - not allowed and no discussion.
My husband can't engage in talking about this. He is decreeing and I accept or... well, I don't know what the or is... I have tried hard to be rational, non emotional and accepting. I am not religious and feel that if he wishes to give them instruction in his religion then I should let that happen. I have not prevented them going to madrasa (driving them there when he is unavailable etc). I have reminded them to say their prayers when he is not home etc.
I have emphasised how important I think it is for a 10 year old boy to have the opportunity to play and have lived with this situation of no play dates since Oct 2008 but increasingly I am finding this difficult and unfair to the children. My son goes to school, comes home, says his prayers, has about one hour relaxation (if his father doesn't ask him to revise his koran), then leaves at 5.30 for madrasa, returns at 7.30 (30 mins commute each way) and then has to have a bath, do his reading for school and go to sleep. That is his life Mon-Fri. I have suggested one day a week he would be allowed to invite a friend home or visit a friend and the invite home is okay as long as I organise it, they leave by 5.30 and he can say his prayers. The visit a friend is not an option according to my husband as he has to do his madrasa and this will be increased to four days if he stops swimming.
Today I said I can't take it anymore. I wish to separate and now I am typing this and I am crying. I believed we could work this out and in my heart I want my children to be raised in a happy family but I feel lost and unheard in my house. My kids know I have no say and they ask me things and know that I no longer can say yea or nay. That we will have to run it by dad cos if he says nay then thats a nay. If I dared to let son go on a play date then when he gets home his dad will give him a verbal lashing so the child will be too afraid to do it again even if I say it is okay to do it.
How did I get to here?
I think what I am asking is - is it unreasonable to ask for my son to be allowed one play date a week where he visits a friend after school (3.10pm) and comes home at 6.30pm? My friends are non Muslim so cannot advise me. My husbands friends are split into two camps - very religious who do not allow their children to mix with non Muslims or very relaxed whose children do not attend madrasa at all. Neither situation covers mine so they can't advise me either. We have no family in this country and actually chose the country as a neutral location for us both to work in.
Any support or advice that you can give me about this is truly appreciated. I want my children to have their mother and father their to support them. My husband has told me that I can do what I want to do. If I chose to leave then that is my choice but he is taking our son to madrasa four days a week when school resumes.
As you can see my moniker is lostandconfused2010 but really that could read lostandconfusedfortwoyears. I have to live with what he decides to inform me of or I can leave. Either way, he is making decisions and thats that.
I have asked to attend counselling - he has refused saying there is nothing counsellors can tell him that he doesn't know himself. I have asked him to have counselling within our group of friends - he can nominate whomever he wants, he even has attended similar style sessions for another couple we know where he was part of the group providing support to the couple. He has refused this request too.
I have not told my family about this as I feel that to open the genie bottle would mean it could never be closed but I am at a loss now where to go. I feel that since Oct 2008 when this whole process started that there is no longer discussion about how we raise the children. He decides and I find out through observation or the children telling me.
I know the play date is symptomatic of deeper issues but I am at a loss of how to get to these issues if I cannot get him to the discussion table. I have tried to mediate conversation but as I am so heavily involved it is difficult to mediate and be a party to the discussion. I end up becoming emotional and then he rises to that and the discussion falls apart.
Can anyone advise me where to go, what to do?