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Continuing Non-Denominational Support for StarnStripes in her new life

(520 Posts)
Portofino Sat 23-May-09 10:32:09

You can be strong!

clam Sat 23-May-09 10:48:55

I wish he didn't know where she is.

clam Sat 23-May-09 10:50:42

Sorry, stars, to be talking about you as if you're not in the room! But you've been up to your eyes recently, and dread has been filling us in.
Stay strong! You've done the hardest bit. Of course he's going to kick off. Better that you don't have to listen to/witness it, surely?

Meglet Sat 23-May-09 10:56:31

Please don't even think about seeing him today, one day away from him won't hurt the dc's. He can spend the day on his own while the reality of what a pig he is dawns on him. If you got back together his abuse would escalate and you + the dc's would be in a worse situation. He isn't suddenly going to change, even if he has had the shock of his life now you've gone.

theDreadPirateRoberts Sat 23-May-09 11:05:59


BarnMummy Sat 23-May-09 11:06:52

Stars - I agree with what other people have said about not letting him manipulate you any more, but also wanted to add that whatever you decide to do, we'll all still be here to support you. xxx

Portofino Sat 23-May-09 11:07:30

Sorry I haven't spelt your name right in the thread title! I have to pop out, but please, please don't let him come anywhere near you!

qwertpoiuy Sat 23-May-09 11:25:15

A big cheer, and big tears of emotion from Ireland. You did it, stars!

Defintely agree you must not talk to your H. I had a brother in a similar situation to you at the hands of a violent ex-gf and when he left, my mother and I did all the talking.

My brother has since met a lovely girl, married her and became a father recently. He is so happy, there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will see it stars, I can assure you.

puffling Sat 23-May-09 12:08:19

Don't look back! Well Done!!!!

kittykat765 Sat 23-May-09 12:20:21

I posted this on the old thread before I saw a new one had been started so here is my post again.

Bread and milk stars. Just remember what started all this off. He cant even do a bit of shopping without having a strop. He is going to be an awful lot worse when dealing with this situation. Remember the coke can being crushed near your head. The fact that he has on at least two occasions made your children cry from his disgusting attitude.

Please stay strong now stars. You have done so well to get this far already. You leaving may have shocked him enough to keep him away from the pub today but that won't last as i'm sure you know.

I am glad you at least have the support of your family to help you through this. Are they able to speak to H on your behalf?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 23-May-09 12:26:55

Stars please stay strong. He has conditioned you over so many years to put him first and yourself and the children last, that of course the pull you must feel to do as he is telling you now must be awful.

Please read back through your threads, not just these few since the 'bread and milk' post, but all the old threads - the years of abuse and disrespect that you have suffered. Take strength from them again and stick to your guns.

And please don't speak to him directly yourself, please allow your sister or your niece to shield you from his bullying.

I will be thinking of you and praying that you can stay strong.

dittany Sat 23-May-09 12:35:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stayingsunnygirl Sat 23-May-09 12:49:14

Thanks for this, Portofino - I'll be back later to see how stars is doing - she is a wonderful person and deserves the best life!

BradfordMum Sat 23-May-09 12:52:02

Stars, I echo what everyone is saying.


Much love.

Sally x x x

Beetroot Sat 23-May-09 12:53:42

has she left?
I have missed the update

helsbels4 Sat 23-May-09 13:08:51

Yes, she left yesterday smile

stars, I personally don't think that you should even consider seeing or talking to your h at this time. You need time to settle and to see if being apart from him is truly what you and your dc's need.

If you go back to him now, without having a chance to "find yourselves" then I believe that you will be in an even worse situation than you were before.

Your h didn't ring you in floods of tears declaring his undying love and devotion to you, he rang you to threaten you. If you see him now, he will manipulate you and ultimately, make your life hell. He would never allow you to leave him again, I'm sure.

If he loves you, he needs to know that you need time and space away from him and you and only you will make the decision for your future life and how that will be.

If he doesn't like that then it's tough! He hasn't put you or your dc's well-being at the top of his list so far, so why on earth should you consider putting his at the top of yours?

You've come so far, just give yourselves time to adjust before you go and make anymore life changing decisions smile

drlove8 Sat 23-May-09 13:11:23

hiya STARS grin , and so pleased you got out of there! your H sounds like my ex-h his reaction to me leaving was spookily similar to yours.... be prepared for all his desperate attenpts to get you back... what i did that was wrong was let him into my new home to visit the children,( he was attacked and beaten up badly and i felt sorry for him, and stupidly thought he's injured ,what harm can he do me now?)... he used that to get my injuction against him thrown out, and he got visiting rights to the kids that i did not agree with. Had i kept him out he would have had to have had supervised visits with the kids.... please dont let him in your new home.

Beetroot Sat 23-May-09 13:20:50

is there a link to another thread for an update

NotPlayingAnyMore Sat 23-May-09 13:36:24

"H has rung this morning and is asking me to go home and take the children with me to sort things out."

What does he want to do there that he can't do at your relative's home?
Oh yeah: to give you a bloody good hiding. Sorry, but it's true and you know it.

"I have told him he can come and see the children here but he wants them home."

I can't even type quickly enough to tell you to go back on your word on this one, Stars.
The only thing you have to discuss with him is contact with the DCs but - after all the shite he gave you last night, not to mention years of pain - not only are you more than justified in taking until after the weekend at the very least, if not all half term, but you're not obliged to provide a location for it to happen in.

So, for now, all you have to say is that you'll discuss the contact with him when it will be convenient for the DCs, don't pick up the phone until then and certainly don't answer the door to him at all. You owe him NOTHING.

Hope you are all alright this afternoon

drlove8 Sat 23-May-09 13:56:08

stars , please dont have contact with him directly... if he manages to get you back in his house or alone he will be out to "punish you for leaving him "....He is most likely ,furious at the whole world will know youve left and worried it will out as to why. Dont be surprised if you hear or rumour circulating that "youve ran off with gas man/been caught cheating on him so he out you out/what other fiction he can think up..ect".Just stay strong and keep to your own loving supportive family ad friends.go see a lawyer asap, and get info on benefits you may be entitled to , too help you get that new home ready! smile

Flibbertyjibbet Sat 23-May-09 14:02:01

Also just cutting and pasting my post from last thread;

wish I had logged on earlier - damn kids interfering with my mumsnetting!

Nitemare and the others are so so right.

Don't see him today. Take the children out so that you don't even know if he turned up. Let others be your voice to him as you are still in the mode of worrying about what his reactions will be.

He needs at least a week of no contact with you to a) realise that you are serious, b) realise what he has lost and c) realise that his threats and manipulation won't work any more.

You need to keep this in mind at all times over the next few weeks or months, and yes I'm going to shout it!


He wants you to go back home with the children today so that whatever is said or done is behind closed doors. On his own territory where he has got away with so much for so long and thinks he can just get away with some more.

The other thing you have to remember is that although you have left, you have 'only' (not an ONLY at all!!) done the 'leaving stage' its all in stages, and each one when you are dealing with it will feel like the straw that is about to break your camels back. So you come on mumnset or talk to your family and we will all get you through it.

I am bothered now and will be logging on all afternoon to see whether you went back to the house after only 24 hours.

On the positive side, have popcorn maker and given it a good scrub x

Flibbertyjibbet Sat 23-May-09 14:05:26

And a post for the new thread:

Some questions!

Did you leave him a shopping list?
Did you pour all his booze down the sink?
Did you put his tea on before you went wink
Did you pin up a list of takeaway places that deliver?

Now then you definitely need to get a new phone number, and give that out to people that you now know and trust and want to talk to. Otherwise every time your phone goes you will be frightened its him.

When you get your new phone please tell him that you now have a new phone number, and give him mine [evil emoticon]

I'd love to have a little chat with him!!!

girlandboy Sat 23-May-09 14:08:47

Please don't get involved with seeing him yet.

You know how awful he is to you when you still lived together. Do you think that going back to see him with the dc's is going to be a pleasant way to spend the afternoon. It will only be a million times worse than before. Because now, he will be even angrier and even more deranged.

Don't put yourselves at risk.

Let your relatives speak to him.

Tell the police that he's been threatening you.

Hope you stay safe.

drlove8 Sat 23-May-09 14:11:38

stars .... id also go and see your gp... as sometime once the elation of leaving abuse waers off, you might get a sort off "post tramatic stress" type thingy setting in....just in case, sometimes a wee bit off talking it over with the gp can strenghten your case if H tries the "your unfit" shite again...wink.You have done a fantastic thing, and dont you forget it, each and every MN poster is very very proud of you and what youve acheived in the last 9 weeks!smile

drlove8 Sat 23-May-09 14:14:46

..... and each and every MN poster is ptmsl at my terrible spelling blush blush blush... doh !

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