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arrgggh help me leave my housegroup.

(16 Posts)
beansmum Mon 25-Aug-08 21:03:31

I can't do it! It is so hard. I don't want to carry on going but I am good friends with the leaders and I don't know how to explain how I feel without hurting them or getting them all worried about me. Any ideas? I'm just going to have to be honest aren't I?

AMumInScotland Mon 25-Aug-08 21:25:08

I think honesty is the best thing, but if you really don't want to hurt them, could you wrap it up a bit sweeter? Like, "I'm in a place where I think I should be exploring my faith in different kinds of churches for a while." or even "The Lord is leading me to experience different kinds of churchmanship"? ie make sure it sounds like it's about you exploring your faith and growing in it, not just that you don't agree with them on important issues.

beansmum Tue 26-Aug-08 19:02:29

I am dreading this. The next one is next Tuesday, I will have to speak to the leader before then. I will try explaining that I want to see how people do things in other churches as this is the only church I have ever been a member of. She wont believe me though, she'll wonder why I can't wait the 4 months until I go to NZ. I don't know how people ever leave, it is so hard!

Romans8v30 Tue 26-Aug-08 20:10:44

AMIS- Is right you have to be honest, or at least twist the truth. Can I ask why your going to NZ? Hubby wants us to move there!!

beansmum Tue 26-Aug-08 20:14:58

I grew up there, I want ds to be a kiwi! And they will give me a student allowance, not a loan, when I go back to uni in Feb. Not a hugely generous one, but at least I don't have to pay it back!

I will be honest, I wont tell the whole truth, but I wont make anything up. I suppose I have to actually speak to them? I can't just email and then run away?

daizydoo Tue 26-Aug-08 20:51:46

Why do you want to leave? DH & I tried to leave our church awhile back and we sent an email and took it from there. We then had a chat with the leaders and actually cleared things up! Good luck tho - I hate doing anything like that!

beansmum Tue 26-Aug-08 21:10:37

I don't believe what everyone else believes and it makes it difficult to be honest with them. I don't think I can email, my housegroup leaders live about 3 doors up the road, it would be weird not to go round and see them.

AMumInScotland Wed 27-Aug-08 13:09:00

I think it would seem unfriendly not to speak to them in person when they are that near, so if you want to part on good terms then in person would be best.

I think it seems fair enough that you'd like to try other styles of churches, so that you're in a better position to choose between the NZ ones when you get there.

KayHarker Wed 27-Aug-08 16:43:26

yup. I think you'll need to be honest, and AMiS's advice is good.

Smithagain Sat 30-Aug-08 09:40:22

I've read some of your previous threads and it does seem quite clear that you need to explore some other styles of church. I think you're going to have to bite the bullet - ask them over for coffee, take a deep breath and tell them. I think AMuminScotland's phrases are great. A good mixture of honesty and evangelical jargon that will make them feel that you're not losing the plot entirely grin

And keep in mind that you are not doing anything wrong. IME heavily evangelical churches are very good at making people feel that they are in the wrong if they don't subscribe to exactly the same variety of Christianity. You know from coming on here that there are lots of other, perfectly legitimate flavours out there and one of them might let your faith flourish more than it is at the moment.

Thinking of you.

AnnVan Sat 30-Aug-08 11:09:56

You should not have to feel like this about leaving a house group! I haven't read your previous threads so I don't know your precise situation, but I know from experience how it feels. The fact is that there is nothing in the bible that says once you have joined one group you have to stay with them for life. I was in a church that was like that - when I decided to go away to university, I got all sorts of grief! It is difficult to deal with, but I agree that you need to be honest and matter of fact about it. But don't feel guilty, and pressured, that is not right! Good luck.

beansmum Sat 30-Aug-08 11:53:21

I told them yesterday, well only the woman leader, her husband wasn't in. I only had two minutes before I had to get ds from nursery so I just told her I wouldn't be there this week. Then I said that I am going to be trying out a few different churches over the next couple of months so I don't think there is much point in coming to housegroup (we always discuss the sermon from the previous sunday, so I wouldn't have a clue what they were talking about).

I really didn't have time to explain but said I would email and arrange to meet for coffee next week. It wasn't horrible, she said she was sad to hear that I wasn't happy at church and sorry if she hasn't been available to chat etc but hopes we can talk about it and work out what my issues are. So that'll be a fun conversation!

Thanks for your advice, I might steal the 'I'm in a place where I think I should be exploring my faith in different kinds of churches for a while' phrase for our chat next week!

AMumInScotland Sat 30-Aug-08 12:01:34

Well done for speaking to her - it's always tricky, but best got over with. Could be a tricky conversation next week, but there's no need for it to be horrible, hopefully she'll not make you feel too pressured to stay.

solidgoldbrass Sat 30-Aug-08 12:05:34

Say 'BYe' and run away. If you feel like this then they are not your mates they are the usual collection of brainwashing moneygrabbing control freak arseholes and you don't need them. You don;t owe them anything.

MuchLessTiredNow Sat 30-Aug-08 12:10:13

I think honesty is always better - if you can be direct about your issues without being accusatory, which I am sure you can, you might be higlighting issues that the church needs to address with other members too - and to do that they need to know properly.

justaboutagrownup Sat 30-Aug-08 21:04:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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