Losing faith - non judgemental advice please

[Paranoid1stTimer]

PLEASE DON'T READ THIS if you have recently lost someone as I promise I don't want to offend/upset anyone...

My mum died very suddenly earlier this year and I am having great difficulty coming to terms with things. I was brought up by a very traditionally Christian father and mother who went to a very soulless local church and dragged us along each Sunday then they would come home and my father would completely slate the minister until he eventually stopped going altogether but still said prayers and read the Daily Bread books every day.

I always thought I was a believer and was "saved" when I was around 11 yrs old at a Billy Graham crusade and went to baptist/evangelical churches for a while before the teenage years came along and led me astray. However, when I spoke to my very much loved mum on the phone on the tuesday night and was told on the wednesday she had a massive stroke during the night, I was incredibly shocked that she was dead by the end of the week. We all went to be with her in hospital on the Wednesday and went to see her each day (although she never came out of her coma) in the hope that she would somehow recover since she had been so fit and well and her collapse had been so sudden. She was young as well which was probably the biggest shock. When we were told she "didnt have long" we rushed to the hospital but were too late. The nurse said we could go and see her. When I saw her empty shell of a body, I felt all shreds of my faith disappear - although I am still terrified to admit to this out loud as I have had it hammered into me that you go to Hell if you don't believe but I am feeling it so hard to believe in any kind of afterlife or anything at all apart from how final death is and how horrific it is to see someone so full of life one second and literally gone the next.

Sorry to be so morbid but I really need some advice and it is too hard to talk to this in any kind of honest terms with people close to me.

Thanks for your time and I appreciate any helpful words.

[Mossy]

Hello Paranoid. I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum.

I am an ex-fundamentalist Christian, now atheist; took me a while to get my head around it but now I am a happy, fully functioning member of society. I too was terrified that I would be hell-bound but I know it isn't going to happen now.

It depends what you want. I'm sure on MN you will find lots of differing opinions, from those who lost their faith and feel so much happier for it, and those who suffered a huge loss but kept their faith, and those who suffered and it changed their faith.

I always feel uneasy discussing faith or rather lack of on these pages as I don't want to offend anyone iyswim. But if you want to talk to someone who walked away from fundimentalism do get in touch; my email address is msrlmoss @ hotmail . com (take out the spaces).

[ArmadilloDaMan]

Sorry about your mum.

I can't tell you much about this from a personal perspective, but I can tell you that alot of the most devout believers I know have go through a big period of doubt at some point in their life, often connected to a tragic event. They have come through eventually with their faith being all the stronger for it.

YOur mum has left an imprint on your life, in you and those she has known. She is still with you through these.

I can't tell you what to believe in, but when we are gone, purely through our actions and relations some part of us survives.

[ArmadilloDaMan]

I don't know if this will help, but it's a beautiful poem and has helped me through some very hard times.

One night I dreamed a dream.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.

When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand. There was only one set of footprints. I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life. This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.

"Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way. But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I just don't understand why, when I need You most, You leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."

[Niecie]

Hi Paranoid, Is this your first ever post?

I sorry about your mother. It must have been awful for you and a terrible shock as well. You must have had a horrible year.

I am new to all things do with faith, still a real beginner in fact. We have been going to church as a family for the past 2.5 years although I went as a child and my DH's father is a methodist minister so was brought up with a faith.

I don't really know what the right thing to say to you but I do know that you won't go to Hell because you don't believe. I don't think God would punish you that way and make things worse for you. He would rather you found your way back to Him and that isn't going to happen if you are in Hell.

Are you a member of a church at the moment? Do you have a friendly priest/curate/pastor/minister that you can talk this through with? They won't judge you for your lack of faith and will try to help, if you do indeed want your faith back.

The thing is that you can't on one hand believe you will go to Hell, if you then don't really believe in the afterlife at all. Maybe that means that there are some vestiges of faith left.

Sorry, I am probably not being very helpful but hopefully somebody more experienced and knowledgeable than me will come along shortly.

[SueBaroastingOnAnOpenFire]

First things first - I am really, truly sorry for your loss. I lost my mother in similar circumstances, and I can well understand how it has knocked you sideways.

Losing a parent is just enormous, and you're still really in the acute stage of things. I remember looking at my mum's dead body and just being overwhelmed by how much she clearly wasn't there any more. That feeling didn't go for ages.

Be kind to yourself - it's perfectly natural to be asking some big questions right now, and it's not all wrong to do so. Jesus Himself was deeply upset by death and the mess it makes.

[SenoraPostrophe]

This isn't advice as such, just a suggestion.
faith doesn't have to be religious faith

[Tortington]

my mum died earlier this year too. i am truly sorry for your loss.

if you have faith it is only right that you might be angry towards god - becuase you know that god loves you even if you want to deny it. and becuase god loves you - he wont mind i'm sure!

you dont have to go to church

you just have to talk to god - on your own terms in your own way for small amounts of time - say 2 minutes.

the other thing is - if you just want to scream " fuck it" to religeon - then fine. do that too. try it. and if you feel better - then good for you - but if you feel like you are missing something then you know!

[tomkitten]

Hi Paranoid,

coming from a slightly different direction I am a sceptical Christian -

• first - it is still early days if you had such an enormous shock. Give it time. I lost my parents in an accident and I can relate to a lot of what you say. It took a good couple of years to regain equilibrium.

• second - ask yourself do you want to believe. When I struggle with the concept of the afterlife I concentrate on the here and now of belief - of living a Christian life and following the gospel - and not worrying about the hereafter. Either it is or it isn't, and worrying won't change it. Usually with prayer and a spirit filled church community I get back on track... but it takes

a conscious decision that that its what I want to do.

Only you can decide.

[EmsMum]

paranoid - I am so sorry, losing your Mum so suddenly must have been an awful shock.

I'm sort of like Mossy (though never fundamentalist, and never really believed in Hell). It is hard to come out and say "I don't believe there is a God" ... its hard enough even to say it in your own head when for years you've believed 'He' is listening to your every thought.

Theres one line in the Bible I think is appropriate.

"Know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

It sounds like you are - in the most painful way possible - coming to accept the truth about the world. But part of that truth is that there is no Hell or divine judgement to be afraid of.

I hope that you will find peace with yourself soon, and will be able to remember your mother and all the good of her life with love.

[SueBaroastingOnAnOpenFire]

seconding the recommendation of A Grief Observed.

[Paranoid1stTimer]

Thank you all so much for your comments. I am moved to tears as I read. I am happy that no one was put out by what I said as I dont want to hurt any feelings but really needed some honest advice without being mollycoddled. Obviously people close to me are also affected by what has happened and it makes it almost impossible to discuss anything in "real" terms. I think I will have to have a read of A Grief Observed.

Thanks again - you really all have helped.

[serinsingingcarols]

I am very sorry about your mum, lost my dad to a sudden CVA too.

I had no faith at the time but remember staring at his "empty shell of a body" like you, and it struck me that he just wasn't there anymore, that his spirit was somewhere else.

I found this oddly comforting as I saw it as a possibility that he was with God.

Now is not the time to go beating yourself up about your faith or lack of it though. Why don't you contact the stroke association, they have trained counsellors to help bereaved relatives in a totally non judgemental way and they won't try to convert you to their own beliefs at a time when you are vulnerable.

My thoughts are with you.

[gall]

Hello Paranoid, I really feel for you. Why don't you give yourself time, don't just walk away from your faith maybe put it on hold for a while and if in the future you decide that you want to keep it I know God will be there for you. I've had a bad few months and don't know wht I would have done without my prayers. It can be hard though when bad things happen. Take care.

[Lauriefairycake]

I am so sorry about your mum - it's very hard coming up to Christmas with all the reminders of the birth of Jesus when you have so recently been confronted with death.

I'm a Christian but I don't believe in an afterlife the way some Christians do - I think the way we live is all important. So to me losing a belief in an afterlife does not mean losing faith/losing God but just a re examining/regrowth of faith.

I know this is an odd thing to say but the way your mum lived, the way she was with you, the way you carry her in your heart with you, the way you will love your children now are all part of the everlasting love/life.

Sending you lots of good thoughts

[Lauriefairycake]

oh yes and shouting 'fuck you, you fucker' at God really helped me believe more because I could feel him with me an being a big enough presence to hold my rage.

[PeachyHasAFiggyPudInTheOven]

I would agree with Armadillo that many poeple go through a phase of doubting their faith: I actually find this develops into a mature more mature accepting faith in many popple. I lost mine completely fro 3 years after my boys started to show signs of SN.

Morning and bereavement is a process that takes years and inevitably changes all of us. Don't be ahrd on yourself, just follow the process how it takes you and you come out the other side when you are ready.

[mother3]

i would say think of the good times with your mum.Think she wouldnt like you to be un happy.Your mum lives on in you and children.Treat your life how your mum gave you love and enjoy.not too sure about after life but i do believe your mum s looking down on you and would only like you to be happy.god bless xxx

[madmouse]

Hi Paranoid

I am a committed Christian, and if you would like me to pray for you please let me know and I will.

It is not surprising that you lost your faith after an event like this. You just need lots of time to work through what has happened and what you do and don't believe.

You came to faith at a Billy Graham crusade so you are familiar with the concept of a personal faith and relationship with God? God knows you well and He can take it if you doubt Him. If all Christians who doubt God or sometimes lose faith would go to hell heaven would be pretty empty...Don't worry so much, accept how you feel for now and given enough time things will get clearer again and you may or may not find your faith again.

Hugs and blessings

[Paranoid1stTimer]

Thanks for your words and understanding. I really do appreciate it

[joedar]

I too have experienced the death of 2 close family members 4 months apart about 3 years ago.

It did bring about alot of questions for me and did get me thinking alot about religion and the after life.

I too find it a very difficult concept to get my head around and can't bear the thought that we will not see each other again. But I do accept it even though it is slow acceptance through time. To be honest I would have to say after much thought I have become an atheist.

However I do believe the energy of my loved ones has not died as we cannot destroy energy, it just transfers whether that be into nature or the atmosphere in some form.

Everything you are going through is natural and time is definetly a healer.

Allow yourself the time and space to go through this without needing to many anwsers, when you are feeling less sad you will have more clarity to ponder theese things without it hurting so much.

Take care.

[cko08]

Im so sorry to hear about your loss. I thought maby I could help Im going through something simular in regards to the church. I had a verry godly grandfather when i was a little girl. My grandparents took me to church often as i was growing up. My grandfather is the reason i am a believer today when i was around him i could feel the tangable presance of the LORD. He had a problem trying to find a good bible based church and not one that preached money all the time. He was dissalusioned with the church, and quit going. He still had a geat relationship with the LORD. When i got saved i had and still have the same problem, my dissalusionment with the church. they are money focused and judgemental. Ive prayed and asked the Lord about this and i believe he told me he gave everyone a free will and he will not force anyone to love him or to act right we would all be robots if he did that. You can ask the LORD to show himself to you in a tangable way ask him to show you the truth, He says if any man lacks wisdom let him ask and GOD will give it to you liberally. You can be certain that there is a heaven and if your mother was close to the lord that is where she is. Just because you cant see or feel somehting doesnt mean its not there. Billions of other people exist in the world but just because you havent met all of them doesnt mean they dont exist. Others may condemn you for your doubt but be assured the LORD doesnt condemn you. He says in his word that he did not come into the world to condemn the world but that through him the world might be saved. It also says in the old testament that GOD remembers we are but dust. He can be touched with your feelings and your confusion. That stuff others are saying are them talking if you want to know what the LORD thinks first look in his word second ask him for yourself. Ask him to confirm his word to make himself tangable to you. If you know he is real and his word is true you can be assured heaven is real and you will be with your mother again forever. We all must pray the whole church will line up with Gods word and his love it is not for us to judge another mans servant(we are servants of the LORD)we are not called to judge oneanother but to love oneanother to reprove in love and not to condemn we are all in the same boat we are all prone to sin isnt that why Jesus came?