Some might say this thread belongs in Chat, possibly as an "Am I being Unreasonable?" thread. But I'm starting it here, because, as a Catholic, I see this as a Christian question. It's certainly a moral question anyway.
My db and sil are moving to Zimbabwe next year with their family. A couple of weeks ago I realized the school they were intending to send my 2 dns to was one I had heard of before. I asked them if they were aware that corporal punishment is used there, and they said they were, but didn't think it was something they'd have to worry about because they assumed it was only used for serious misbehaviour, the kind dns would never be involved in. My information was different, though I didn't say so at the time, because I thought I ought to check up first. But they had not said anything to my mother, who had been a campaigner for STOPP (Society of Teachers Opposed to Corporal Punishment) back in the 1970s. I warned them that she'd be bound to find out eventually, and would go ballistic. So they did tell her shortly after that, and her reaction was what I expected. She was furious, and there was (and is) quite a lot of bad feeling about it. She obviously felt betrayed, because when were growing up corporal punishment was still legal in Britain, but our parents made sure we went to schools where it wasn't used.
My sympathies were with my mum, because I'm opposed to all forms of corporal punishment. But I didn't feel entitled to get up on my high horse about it, because it could be very hard to find a school in Zimbabwe that didn't use it. It put db and sil in a dilemma. I thought I'd look into it, and see if I could find out more about that school - a boys-only school I'll call "Prince". If I could satisfy myself that it was used infrequently enough that the dns were unlikely ever to suffer it, my mum might accept the idea of them going there. Or else, if I found the opposite, I'd have to inform db and sil of that fact.
The attitude my db is taking is quite casual (which is one thing that makes my mum angry), and I can see that both he and sil are quite attracted to Prince, because of its high standing and "traditional" values. Many of the better schools in Zimbabwe were established by the British in colonial times, and tend to follow some very old traditions that are no longer even permitted in schools here. I don't think they quite realize that a lot of those traditions are unhealthy and dangerous. Even if most boys survive them apparently unscathed, there are bound to be many who do not.
I already had one informant who had taught at Prince for a couple of years, and the impression I got from her was that corporal punishment was an everyday thing, and was not reserved for serious misbehaviour. But I decided to look for some back-up. I found this on a "school memories" site:
"I remember when I was in Prince in '98. Got into trouble because I didn't do my homework, the teacher was Mrs Saich, my maths teacher. She was the scariest thing alive. I remember the prefect coming to collect us and told us to stand outside the classroom. There was 4 of us didn't do our homework, we were pretty nervous. The prefect finally escorted us to the vice headmaster's office, but to our unfortunate luck, his door was closed. We ended up goin to the headmasters office, his door was wide open. We waited for 20 minutes then he called us in "Barnes". He gave us a small speech on how we should behave and then told us to stand outside, he called us all one by one into his office, all i coud here was 3 loud "smack" sounds and then I was next, got into the office bent over and that pain from his stick still makes my butt sore today. but a week later i got over it and laughed about it. Good times."
Shortly after that I found myself on a forum where old boys of Prince exchange news and memories. Two responded to questions about how long they'd spent there and how many times they'd been "lashed". The first one says:
"6 years
5 times (i was a goodie goodie I suppose)
late
not doing homework
late
whole class got lashed for upsetting a teacher
late again"
And the second says:
"6 years and got lashed 3 times
- not having a hat
2.talking at assembly
3.some prefect wanting to get me lashed before i became a prefect (silly man!)
i was a goodie goodie for the most part and clever enough for the rest of it."
I tried to investigate some of those examples, thinking that some of them might have been "repeat offences", where they'd been warned two or three times before getting a lashing. But I probably asked too many questions, and I sensed some kind of defensive wall going up. The first poster didn't reply at all, and the second made a little speech about boys knowing what the boundaries were, and accepting lashing as "the price to pay for doing whatever we teenage boys decide we would rather be doing". He sums it up this way: "Prince operates by a set of principles and systems that every boy learns very quickly and you decide where in that system you will fit. There is a reason most of us talk fondly about lashings, war cries, straw bashers, etc with a lot of fondness....when we look back on our time at Prince they are all little things that help us remember some of the best years of our life. "
Now, I'm not questioning his sincerity, and maybe all the old boys on that forum take the same attitude (though two posters isn't a big sample). But a lot of it has a familiar ring. This stuff was almost history in this country when I first started going to school, but anyone who reads books knows something about those English public schools of the past where harsh treatment was considered part of every boy's education. Many seemed to survive it, or at least many became successful people, but we also know that many were screwed up by it. The literary critic Cyril Connolly once said that there were emotional reflexes hard-wired into his nervous system by his schooldays at Eton that he couldn't get rid of as a grown man. If someone said to him "So and so wants to see you in his office", it triggered an immediate surge of fear, because it evoked memories of school beatings. It must take quite a lot of courage to admit to something so ridiculous, and you have to wonder how many others there are who were emotionally damaged in ways that aren't visible, and who would never let anyone know. Are there any on that forum, for example? I'd like to hear from the casualties of the system, as well as from the tough guys, but I probably never will, because they'd never step forward. Maybe they'd stay away from forums like that altogether.
Anyway, by this time I was faced with the prospect of telling db and sil that it's unlikely the dns would get through their time at Prince without getting lashed. I gathered all the evidence together and emailed it to sil, because I believe I can get through to her in a way I might not be able to with db. There are times he can be amazingly thick, especially when things come up that run counter to his plans. But she's away at the moment, and probably won't read it till Wednesday. So I've still got some time to consider my own attitude.
What made all this quite difficult for me was trying to take a position that went against my beliefs. I had to recognize that telling them what I'd found out would cause them a big headache. So I had to take a practical approach myself. If it proved impossible to find a boys' school that didn't use corporal punishment (or at least one where they could afford the fees), there was no solution except to find the school where it was used the least. So I had to look into some alternative schools. But the feeling that I was compromising my convictions was quite unpleasant, I have to say. I questioned those former boys in a tone of voice that was like their own - i.e. light and jokey - but that wasn't what I felt. So I'm wondering what to say when I speak to db and sil face to face. Should I tell them what I think? Should I tell them how repellant the whole idea of beating boys actually is, or should I keep my mouth shut and just leave it to them? What do you think a Christian should do?