Healing from post partum depression journal

[Welikebeingcosy]

This is a creative space to work through feelings thoughts and emotions surrounding bonding with a child that maybe you wanted but then felt like you didn't.
No judgement or hate please. This isn't a place for wanting advice on doctors, therapy or medication. I've purposefully posted this under philosophy as a safe space to just explore feelings and share from the heart. I used to blog and it doesn't feel right to share these things there any more.
This is my story coming up of where I am at and feel free to add your own if it will help you...

"I feel like she's starting to know me. I feel like I'm starting to belong with someone. No-one in my world really understands what I'm going through or why I'm struggling so much at what should just be 'the most grateful time of my life' but at least I'm getting there day by day.

Today I'm feeling like the chaos of pre parenthood is finally coming to terms with the stability that having a child creates. The stillness is starting to be appreciated over craving the movement of before. I never realised a child would keep me so tied to myself. No more picking up new projects on a whim. No more spontaneous travel plans. No more random love affairs. I'm starting to explore the idea that perhaps my personal depression came from the unmet expectation that my life could carry on as before and that I could bring my DD into my world to know who I am. The confusion comes from looking into her face and thinking that she will never know who I am- because all I was was a life dictated by the freedom of being completely alone and detached from everything. Suddenly I am attached to her and it feels as though she is the one who knows more about this life of home and family than I do.
'Just do you' they said. But then the shock of realising that doing me wasn't child friendly when I was with child and in the midst of 'doing me'. Don't worry, I never did drugs or anything like that. I just travelled a lot and went from place to place on an idea or a new opportunity. Opportunities that turned out to be mirages which I always had to then try and survive out of, until a new one came along. Everyone I met asked me why I didn't just go home and I had to explain that I didn't have a home.
She gave me a home. And now I'm lost. Because all that was me is gone. And I have a home. And I have her. But I don't know how to explain to her who I am. I don't have anything to show her- because what there was before her isn't safe to go back to with her. Most people build a world to bring their child into. Mine brought mine tumbling down.
I don't hate her for it. I'm pleased. But I'm still getting my bearings and wondering if I'll ever settle into my new skin."