Christianity: forgiveness after being left

[Mambot]

Hi all,

I really wanted to hear some thoughts on this topic. The context is that nearly three months ago my long term partner upped and left me and our nearly two year old son. He did it in a very cruel way, literally ran away to his family and took all his stuff, and then proceeded to make out I'm this terrible monster to justify his actions. He did it a few months ago too, we were going to get married this year and all that was canceled and loads of money lost. I took him back after he did it the first time.

We had a very happy relationship, even after he came back the first time, barely argued and I was completely in love with him. I thought he was too.

Anyway, I have really struggled to keep faith since he left. Firstly, my ex maintains he believes in God and still goes to church. For some reason this makes what he did all the more painful. How can he think what he did was right in the eyes of God?

Secondly, I am just so hurt and angry at all the lies he has told I just cannot wish him well at all. Forgiveness is too hard here.

Sundays reading in church was from ecclesiasticies, about how you cannot expect your sins to be forgiven if you do not forgive others.

This made me feel a million times more pain. I just cannot forgive him. I really have tried. But now I feel like if I don't wish him well then I won't be forgiven.

Meanwhile, he who has just had a mid life crisis and run away from his responsibilities - just wants me to be happy with what he's done and therfore wishes no one any ill will, and so I feel like that's why he's been blessed with happiness, because he's not tormented by thoughts of another person's suffering.

I don't want him to go off with the other woman and get married and be happy. It's not right, and I'm really upset that that might happen and that that's fine in the eyes of God but I might be looked down on for being bitter about it all.

Please don't roast me for having a very immature interpretation of the word of God or for being unable to forgive him. I am laying bare the steps in my thought process. I just feel like the Bible is telling me that people who go about hurting others unintentionally by just doing whatever they want won't reap what they sow because they don't harbor ill will towards others. Whereas me being this hurt just wants him to suffer as much as I have and therefore I'm going to get doubly punished.

I haven't been able to really take comfort in the Bible since it happened - it all seems to be saying I somehow deserve what's happened to me.

[Mambot]

Sorry this post has lots of errors and missing words.

[Niminy]

Mambot this is a really terrible thing that has happened to you. His behaviour is awful, awful, and I am not surprised you are devastated. He has ripped your life apart and left you with a child to care for.

There is so much to say, but the most important thing is this: it is not your fault. You do not deserve what has happened to you. Please do not think the Bible is telling you that somehow you are to blame. One day you may be able to forgive him but that is far down the line. We can only forgive when we have our dignity back, and this is what he has taken away from you. You must look after yourself and your child first of all and rebuild your dignity and your life away from him. You can do it because you are worth so much more than the way he treated you.

If there is one thing to hold onto from your faith it is that you are utterly, completely loved just as you are by God, who knows you and loves you and walks with you whatever you are going through, through all the pain and anger. You can never do anything to lose that love, and you can never be less lovable, whatever this slimeball has done or said to you.

I would try posting in Relationships, where you will get lots of support and advice.

[BestZebbie]

Have you read C.S.Lewis on forgiveness? In particular I am thinking of the distinction between excusable behaviour and forgivable.

C.S. Lewis was on to this, this big mistake we make.
When I think I am asking God to forgive me, I am often in reality (unless I watch myself very carefully) asking Him to do something quite different. I am asking Him not to forgive me but to excuse me. But there is all the difference in the world between forgiven and excusing. Forgiveness says, 'Yes, you have done this thing, but I accept your apology, I will never hold it against you...But excusing says, 'I see that you couldn't help it or didn't mean it, you weren't really to blame.' If one was not really to blame then there is nothing to forgive. In that sense, forgiveness and excusing are almost opposites.
But the trouble is that what we call, 'asking God's forgiveness' very often really consists in asking God to accept our excuses. What leads to this mistake is the fact that there usually is some amount of excuse, some 'extenuating circumstances.' We are so very anxious to point these out to God (and to ourselves) that we are apt to forget the really important thing; that is, the bit left over, the bit which the excuses didn't cover, the bit which is inexcusable but not, thank God, unforgivable.

[Mambot]

Niminy, thank you for your response. I must admit it made me well up, I don't feel very loved at the moment by God. I feel like I'm constantly being pummeled by my ex's self righteousness and happiness.

I suppose what I can't deal with is that if God loves me no matter what, then the and is true for my ex. God loves him despite this and will continue to bless him. No reaping what he sows at all.

Hi best zebbie, I haven't read on forgiveness but I will. I'm trying to wrap my head around this though-are you saying that we mostly don't ask God for forgiveness so won't be forgiven? Or that his behavior is excusable because he didn't mean to hurt me?

I'm desperate for help with my faith. I feel like I've been cursed and he's been blessed. I cannot accept that he should have any happiness after all this.

[Mambot]

Thank you for your reply best zebbie as well x

[headinhands]

Hi Mam

It seems your religion is causing you pain more than anything else right now. If there is a loving god it wouldn't want you to be heaping extra grief on top of yourself.

It's entirely natural and healthy to find it hard to forgive. It can take years to reach a place of disinterest. It's healthy to feel angry because you know you deserved better and the anger will make sure you don't put up with crap from other people.

What support have you got in real life? Family and friends? And people outside of church who you can talk to about this without worrying about saying the 'right things'.

I'm sorry but your ex is an arse. And he's not the first religious person who feels that god is happy with what they're done. He won't be the last.

[ElizaDontlittle]

Mambot your pain radiates from your post and I am so sorry he has done this to you in the cruellest way.
What God sees is that pain and wants to be your comfort. He sees your confusion and weariness and wants to be your rest. And in time, He will take you to a place of peace and forgiveness.

Forgiving massive wrongs is a process not something we wake up one day and just "feel". Just now you need to grieve and be around people that uphold you as a beautiful child of God and sister in Christ

I found my husband had been cheating online and asked him to leave just before Christmas last year. So totally different circumstances but I want to say I know how it feels to be conscious of your new status in church and fell somehow bad and wrong and different. My H has continued to go to church, and some quite mature and sensible people in the church have continued to listen to his "poor me" conversation. He gets to be 'wronged' and I am the unreasonable one.

But God sees all things. Your partner (and my husband) are deceiving themselves and those around them. He sees the way you have been treated.
I think you need to stop listening to anything your ex says - it's not helpful. When it comes to mind, cast it very deliberately out. And forgiveness will come if you are willing to try, but it is too much just yet.

[Viviennemary]

It must be annoying to see the hypocrite still attending church and I don't blame you for not forgiving him. A priest said in a sermon once a long time ago that forgiving the unforgiveable is God's job. And I agree. You don't need to wish him well. Try not to wish him ill although even that's hard. Hope you are in a happier place soon.

[OutwiththeOutCrowd]

The first stage in the process of coming to terms with what has happened to you is forgiving yourself – not him!

The exacting standards you have for yourself are unrealistic. Of course you are going to feel hurt and angry. If a friend came to you and told you something similar had happened to her, would your immediate response be to tell her that she ought to be able to forgive her wrongdoer? Would you not instead tell her that her feelings are understandable and justified, put an arm round her shoulders and let her have a good cry?

And even the second stage of recovery wouldn't involve forgiving your ex partner, in my opinion.

Rather, I would say just try to be patient with yourself. Take whatever time you need to heal. Heal in order to forgive rather than vice versa. And the sort of forgiving I have in mind in the first instance is actually more attaining a sort of emotional detachment and freedom from the repetitive, resentful thoughts about him you are currently, quite naturally, experiencing.

Only then, when the whole business ceases to occupy your every waking thought, might you think of committing to forgiving him in the more traditional sense – and only if and when it feels doable and realistic and helpful to you as a final stage in your healing journey.