had a couple of bad experiences meditating - why?

[nearlythree]

Only been meditating for a while. Last week I got a very violent image of dh, and then yesterday 'heard' a voice saying that one of my dcs would be 'taken from me'. I strongly believe that this reflects my inner-most fears and came from within my own mind but it has left me badly shaken - I wanted to meditate to help me deal with anxiety, not make it worse. One thing is that I am always tired in the evenings which is the only chance I get to meditate - coudl this be the reason? Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

[nearlythree]

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[mule]

your mind is probably processing those thoughts and fears. it may depend on what type of meditation you are doing. i go to a weekly meditation group and find the group setting really supportive, though understand the evening thing as most of the time i go through this 'i'm too tired to go' but feel so much better for having made the effort. i guess this time of night is going to throw a lot of the days conversations, thoughts and feelings at you when you have the head space to deal with it. the mind doesn't stop chattering! last night someone talked about the feeling of feeling consumed by grief and couldn't get past this anxiety to the lightness she can sometimes feel when you have a 'good' meditation. she said her throat felt blocked and that she couldn't breathe properly. the teacher talked about just sitting with it, observing it and gently returning to the breath. there is a wonderful technique called the tranquilising breath which might help- do you know it?

[mule]

your thoughts are maybe reflecting on the biggest and most important point of the Buddhist teachings - the nature of impermanence.
because we can live in our heads so much instead of our hearts we find it hard to let go of our thoughts and cling to them or run with them endlessly. i find it incredibly hard during the day when i get like this to give myself 3 mindful breaths, by the second one i have usually got distracted. the idea of returning to the breath may help us notice how we get stuck in thought patterns and how it constricts the breath and therefore the rest of the body.
hope this is making sense - this isn't my most eloquent time of day
the idea is that you don't push the thought away otherwise the mediation becomes a battle. each breath is seen as a gift and the thoughts that may come up our teachers. the breath is all we truly have. my teacher talks about the quality of the breath, how it can shape us,
i've got 3 young children and i now only meditate in the traditional sense once a week with the group. the rest of the time i try and be mindful in everyday life, though this is so hard when i am so tired and at the mercy of 3 little people and their needs, thoughts and feelings. sometimes i might play a particular piece of music that reaches me above the noise, other times it might be just holding them, loving them, reading to them but most of the tiime it's just trying to keep up with them as life moves so incredibly fast - they say that having children is the ultimate retreat as they so fully live in the present

[nearlythree]

mule - thank you. I've just been doing a basic meditation with grounding. I don't know the tranquilising breath. Even though I'm very tired I do try to meditate, but what happens is I end up in a half-asleep state, and when I start to fall asleep I often get very vivid 'dreams' - maybe experiencing that in meditation isn't a good idea.

I have three young dcs too - it is so exhausting, in every way. And it goes sooooo fast, I really struggle to live in the moment and hang on to the preciousness of it.

[mule]

Hi Nearlythree - you've got 3 too, so different to having 2..... its the hardest thing i have ever ever done and the best; making me laugh one moment and cry the next. and of course i would be the perfect mummy if only i could get enough sleep
hope you don't get too disheartned with the meditation. one of the ex monks at the place i go to says there is no good or bad meditation, we just try to aim for equanimity. I can honestly say it's one of the best things i have ever done - (not just for me but for my family aswell!) if you can, it may help to join a meditation class or go on a retreat, but if not the following may help
The Tranquilising Breath
1.try for 20 mins am and pm to find a quiet space and sit/lie down and just let yourself get comfortable and 'come down' from the days events for the first couple of mins

2.then slowly focus on the warm air entering the tip of your nostrils, feeling it slowly go down the back of your throat (letting your jaw relax, drop and go soft) suffusing into your lungs and down permeating into your belly, (letting your belly go soft) feel the breath reaching all parts of your body, your arms, the tips of your fingers, your legs, even your eyelashes etc.

1. if your mind wanders back to thoughts then watch the thoughts pass through and gently return to the breath.

Try for 5 breaths. if you continue to get the feelings of anxiety you could try chanting the sound 'Ham' (yes weird I know) it may help open the throat.

another technique is related to mindfulness in everyday life, just trying to be present and watchful of your thoughts, feelings, sensations during the breathing, again focusing on the warm air entering the tip of your nose and just letting yourself feel, hear and see what is going on in your mind and body. this time the breath is the background rather than the object, after a while you may feel strange as your mind processes the day or memories and there may be constant chatter just watch it and allow it to come and go, it may proliferate and turn to sensation (for example you might start thinking of how someone was treating you that day and if it caused a stressful reaction, your mind may relive the sensation - tightness in the throat, chest, heart racing etc. this time as you are watching those thoughts, note the feelings as they come up so instead of thinking and therefore feeling 'i am angry' note 'anger' as the feeling of tightness starts to grip the throat or chest, observe the feeling 'tightness' really listen gently to your body and the tone of the feeling - is the tightness heavy? is there heat or a coolness to the sensations etc. you will hopefully begin to distance yourself from your emotions and feelings so by taking the 'i' away, you take away the ownership of the feeling (the feeling owning you) and therefore its power. each time a thought or feeling comes up just watch, observe and let yourself return to the breath.
its trying to help you not take everything so personally. i've found when i get the flash points especially when i'm trying to get all of my children to bed when they are overtired instead of becoming a screaming banshee, i start to reign in the feelings when they come up, even smiling at them like old familiar friends - here comes irritation, here is impatience, here is anger and it just slows everything down and has made me realise (most of the time) that its not them making me annoyed - i'm making myself annoyed, i've made myself feel like that.
"the thought manifests as the word
the word manifests as the deed
the deed develops into habit
and habit hardens into character
so watch the thought and its ways with care
and let it spring from love
born out of concern for all beings"
(buddha)